Oh My

The week before Christmas was pretty dismal, I was down a bit which happens to people around the holidays. I had friends that tried to lift me up and by Christmas day I was better. A friend left some gift cards, cash and cookies at my door Christmas eve, a friend of Kylie's came and brought us each a present because there was no tree and no presents, he even brought the dogs some toys. I did manage to buy 3 dog toys at the dollar store and two people brought them treats. Kylie had gone to a friends Christmas party and so she did get a couple of gifts for Christmas. My brother brought food for me to cook and gave Kylie a little cash.

Christmas isn't about gifts or money or even a tree, I didn't feel bad about those things but I worry about my little family. I am working but the job is commission and the real estate market is the slowest during this time of the year which equals barely enough to keep the lights on and partial payments on everything else.

My dad came to dinner and behaved, offered to help and when I called him up yesterday he told me what a looser I was basically and that was that. I didn't take it too hard as I have had to deal with him many years and I no longer take to heart his berating.  My other friend came to dinner and I had a good visit with him.

Kylie was sick Christmas day, her hard drive crashed on her computer the day after Christmas so I guess that was the worst thing, I can't replace it and I so she is very depressed. She doesn't have much and loosing the computer was a big deal especially when she needs it for school.

I talked to Kylie's father who's life is up side down right now, there is nothing he is willing to do really and you know I get mad thinking she is a good person and has gotten straight A's at school and it counts for nothing. I hate asking for help because really a parent either cares or they don't but I try to ask for Kylie's sake. It is pointless to explain that it should be asked for but given because that is being a parent but oh well.

The weather was nice for December and thank goodness not too cold as that would stress us even more, we have a small supply of wood and propane. The animals are all okay, it's hard to not think about having to give them up, I have managed to avoid it this long but can only pray that things will get better after the holidays.

Today I seem to have more fight and drive and that is good, I will start the week out tomorrow with working on ideas and ways to increase my income and go from there. 

Parenthood

I really never had a very good example of a parent in my life as a child, my biological parents had six children and didn't feel any responsibility to any of us. We did not bring ourselves into this world and we weren't born adults so we all needed the same any newborn to adulthood person needs from their parents. My parents decided to abandon us all, I was the youngest. God planted me into another person's life who tried to provide some care to me, unfortunately she had her own issues and three grown children that resented me until her death and I have not seen them since her funeral, I was 36 years old. The only stable, unconditional love I knew as a child was from an adopted grandfather. He was stable, strong, protective and very sweet, he gave me all he could to help me survive the life I was born into, when I was 10 years old he passed away at 92.

I never realized what a child should have and what a child needed until I had a baby. When I knew I was going to have a baby from that moment on I was a parent, every decision I made about my health and my life was made with that thought in mind. It is the same even to today.

I stopped living for myself and never looked back, my life became the sole caregiver, the provider, and protector of my daughter. I was determined not to be like my parents or the caregivers I had endured as a child. I read books, I talk to counselors, I let my natural nurturing instincts guide me. It was very hard to do it and her father didn't make it any easier, the reason why was he never once thought about her, whatever he did or has ever done has to benefit him in someway, he himself did not have great parents and unfortunately he never recovered from it. I think of him as a lost soul now that Kylie is older, he doesn't have any real idea of what a parent is or that children are not pawns, chattels, or tools to manipulate others.

Children are helpless when they are born, they are at the world's mercy, they are brought into this world by grownups and we are responsible for them, when someone truly loves their child then they do things for the sake of love. A child does not run up a bill with a parent for receiving the care a parent is obligated to give and we are obligated.  We as parents owe our children love, food, shelter and all basic primary needs at the very least and over and above that a chance in life, education, anything that can help them to grow up, be independent, successful and most importantly, good people with good hearts and character.

It has been a long hard road without an extended family, no grandparents or aunts and uncles except my step brother Greg to help all these years. I've been all these things to the best of my ability to Kylie, I have always felt sad that in that respect she couldn't have had more.

This past year Kylie has gone without many things, she is strong and accepts it, she knows that whatever happens we go through it together as we always had. She has a bright future for school and college now with her tuition pretty much guaranteed. She will need a car which I have no way of getting for her but hopefully that will come when she starts her internship. I had such worry and guilt over how I would get her through college but God has provided.

It has also been hard not being able to share with family or her dad her accomplishments. I have tried to share them but it seems not to matter to him very much, he does not share my pride in her. Over the years there have been many people and children Kylie's dad has given money to, bought things for because of horses, because he had an agenda and I feel he has been used and used others.

It saddens me to know that Kylie has been passed over by her dad, that she hasn't been loved for who she is and punished for not earning or doing things in order to receive what a parent should naturally do. In fact, Kylie has said many times, I wish I could have things but I don't feel right about using my dad. She knows she could do what he wants and go along with things as other people have and get things and money from him but in her heart she knows that is wrong.

The truly sad thing is that love, to be truly loved and cherished by her dad would mean more than anything to Kylie. She has been hurt and disappointed many times by him and so she is not willing to take another chance because she can't endure being hurt again. She also wants to be loved as she is for the sake of love, it is a tragedy when someone feels they must earn love instead of receiving it as a gift.

I will never fully understand parents who withhold their love, leave their children or fail to put them first. My own is included in that puzzle, it is like some people are born with something lacking or void in their souls that they can't capture and they never realize how they destroy children instead of completing the gift of life to them after they are physically born. Children who have suffered abandonment or are unwanted start dying inside from the moment they are born a little each day, some manage to press on and make the best of it like myself and some are consumed by it to point where they no longer want themselves.

If there is one thing that I feel I did to help Kylie it is that I wanted her, I wanted her from the very moment I knew of her. I love her very much as she is and what she has given me in return is her love which I needed very much. When Kylie was born and I held her for the first time she grabbed my finger and held it and looked right into my eyes and that was the first time I had a flesh and blood bond with another human being.

I'm tired tonight with worry about making it and keeping it all going but writing my feelings down and realizing how grateful I am for the privilege of being a mother it all feels better now.  

The Holidays

I have fallen behind on updating my blog, today is a good day to write about the past month or so. My job is a great job but I have not taken any loan applications. I have been busy networking and talking to people but it takes time to make the connections and this is the time of year when things slow down. With that said, my employer is very supportive and understanding of the situation, I was apprehensive at first going into sales but now I know I love it because I am out and about meeting different people and learning about them. I am the president of the Working Women's Connection in Montrose which I have never experienced before but the cool part of it is that I meet interesting and independent business women, I kind of feel at home. I also have made connections with the Medina County Chamber of Commerce and I also go to open houses and get to see amazing houses. I meet people at breakfasts and at lunch and evening meetings at different venues. Different situations arise where I can help people and they can help me. I am not tied down to a desk all day which I hate and has caused me health problems and extreme stress.

If I can continue what I am doing till spring, I should start getting referrals and things will look a lot better. I am paid a small salary so it's been very difficult but once I start earning commission we will be okay. It will be one year at the end of December since I was laid off and it has not been easy, I have fallen behind on everything and am still behind but am holding on.

This Thanksgiving was surprisingly pleasant. My brother bought the food for me to cook and although it was a simple meal it all turned out as I had planned. I invited my father to dinner because although he is very difficult to tolerate and has not been kind to me, he is very old now and I figured he'd spend it alone so I asked him and he came. I also asked a friend who had no place to live for the moment and has had a terrible year and was very depressed and he came as well. My friend is a little different but hilarious and very outgoing. Between my brother and my friend my father talked about many things that were all interesting and he wasn't able to say hurtful things to me. We all had a good meal and some laughter and most importantly peace and a couple of people ate well at least for one day.

Now comes Christmas, there will not be any presents under the tree this year but it is not troubling to myself or Kylie. The day has been ruined by materialism and commercialism anyway. The truly beautiful thing for this Christmas is that although we and the animals have suffered and done without this year we are all still together. I have managed to feed them all and keep a roof over out heads in spite of not having an income at all some months.

I have prayed and begged my way through the year, milked goats, helped worm sheep, tried grooming, worked on contract jobs, sold jewelry and anything else I could think of to keep us going. Uncle Gregg and my sister paid things that I couldn't or bought us food. Generous friends have given money through online sites that facilitate donations. I have fought with the county and the state for what benefits we qualified for all to survive. It all took its tole on me emotionally but I am trying to pull myself mentally out of it.

These past few weeks I have had nightmares about my childhood. The interesting thing is I had not thought about the things that happened to me that were very painful in years. I had pushed them down as far as blocking them from my memory all together. When I experienced each dream I felt the feelings I had experienced so long ago as if they had just happened. It was a good thing because I was unaware of their effect on me even now. I have been able to confront those feelings and experiences now as an adult instead of as a child and it has helped me release them. I feel I am beginning to heal and change my internal thoughts to see myself as I am and not how I learned to see myself through the people that abused me as a child. It feels good to be free from those things little by little.

I can't help thinking that God has lead me down this road for a reason, one of them is to free me from the thoughts and experiences that I have carried all of these years that have imprisoned me and kept me from liking myself or being free to be happy.

This winter will be tough for us, thankfully Kylie is doing well in school and has a great future. I am trying very hard to learn to value myself and somehow we've all managed to keep going. I have also learned some things about some of the people in my past that make me realize how fortunate I am and to pray more for them. So many people need prayers and it is good to pray for others and think of others regardless of your own trials.

Life changes

The past few weeks I obtained my Ohio Loan Officer's licenses, went to Indianapolis for training, got my own company webpage set up and have started marketing myself. It will not be easy starting into the slower months of the year for the mortgage business but I am excited to get my first loan application and start working with people again.

I met with Kylie's teachers last week and it was a wonderful experience. First, the teachers at the career center are the most up beat positive teachers I have ever met. Kylie made the honor roll with a 4.0 gpa and her precision machine teacher has already been approached by a company that wants to offer her an internship with the understanding that they would pay for her college, even sponsoring her for becoming an engineer. Kylie has been chosen by her teacher to learn the CNC programming that normally only the seniors would learn and he is expecting her to compete regionally, at state level and at national level.

Kylie's science teacher brought her in during the conference and told her that she should be in a higher science class and she will be taking physics next year. All of her teachers knew she was being considered for an internship and were so excited to speak to me about her. Kylie is the treasurer for the Key Club and she is also working with the teacher that heads up peer tutoring and is helping others in the school. Kylie has found the perfect place to blossom.

Sadly, many people look down on kids that go to the career center, not all students take advantage of what is available and there are some students that just want to as little as possible but the career center is a wonderful place where the teachers care about the students and will do everything they can to help them succeed. The kids get real life experience at the career center and I am so happy Kylie made the choice to go there. She will start her internship in the summer and then will work half days and go to school half days for her senior year, she will also get college credits while she is working.

I was so worried that I would not be able to help Kylie get through college, she loves her precision teacher, she loves learning and has taken to all that has been shown to her and it has all fallen into place. I have to thank God for watching over Kylie.

My new job is a challenge because I am not the typical sales person and it's an adjustment but I do love helping people and especially helping them buy a house or refinancing and easing the financial burden. Times have been extremely tough for me and I have great pleasure at the thought of making it easier for others.

I do hope to make connections in my own community and in the surrounding rural communities. There are many programs available to help people. 

A new career

Stonegate Webpage

An Exodus back home and current events

I got a job and it's amazing because it all started with a caring friend who I have met only once. It is amazing how God uses good people. I really think the job which is a change from what I have been doing is the right job and will be better for me for many reasons. I have a new boss and she has horses and has been through tough times but is successful and cares about people. Her boss is awesome and the company was willing to take a chance on me and that makes me feel great.

I decided that I wanted to take Kylie back to Charleston on a weekend trip. I wanted to be able to get a way for a day just me and her and to go back to a place I spent a lot of time when I was younger. I wrote my dad and told him I wanted to come down and to see him, he sent me enough money to make the trip and to pay for the hotel room for one night.

It was a good trip, we arrived before noon and met up with my dad, he's 82. He looked great and he bought us lunch and then I drove him around all over Charleston and listened to all of his stories about when  he was a boy. We visited graves of my grandparents and a few other places important to him. My dad has issues, he is very bitter and mean at times but we got though it.

Dad drove back to another area of WV Saturday evening leaving us a little bit of Sunday to go do some things I wanted to do. I wanted to visit the farm that had been in my family for years, it is the only place I had good childhood memories and as a young adult I loved. Dad hates the place because of his stepfather and old slights he perceived. The farm went outside the family after my step grandfather died and no one has gone back since. I felt from the time I arrived at Charleston this overwhelming pull to the farm. I felt a sort of beckoning. I resisted Sunday until I was on my way back on the highway about 10 miles from Charleston, tears started pouring down my cheeks and I knew I had to turn around.

As soon as I got back on the road headed towards the farm I felt a release and well being. I remembered the way although it has been years. The farm is over 60 acres with a big white approximately 150 year old home sitting in the middle of the acres and it sits on a rise about the pastures and looks majestic from the little country road as you come out of the turn in the road. I rounded that turn and there it was as it has always been. I meant only to drive by it and keep going but when my car came to the drive I stopped and turned in, I had too.

I drove down the winding dirt drive and stopped. The old house is in terrible disrepair, the flowers and beautiful old shrubs and bushes that were there form many years were gone. The buildings were equally in bad shape, someone is living there and renting but it is clear that everything is being used not cared for. My grandfather's old tractor sat out, left to the elements to reclaim it. Next to the barn there was always a shinny passenger car, the kind pulled by a train. My grandfather used it for the tack and it was such a cool place, I played in it when I was a child, it was gone.

I have a scar on my finger the one you put a wedding ring on, on the underside of my finger at the first joint, it is a in the shape of a Y, I got it on the gate that led to the back of the farm because it had bobbed wire on it and I got my finger caught. The gate was still hanging but had not been closed in many years or so it appeared.

I got in my car and drove through the gate and stopped at the foot of the hill where the road continues and got out and walked. Kylie and I walked up the hill which is steep to the top and we walked along the tree line till we found the graves. My grandfather is buried up there, others have been and it is a small graveyard that is part of the farm. I found his grave and then we walked around the top of the hill to the point that overlooks the entire farm. We came down after that and started the trip back home.

I did not see the inside of the house which was magnificent at one time with the original wood beams and built in book shelves and french doors, I knew that would be too much for me. The house was filled with beautiful things my grandmother had furnished it with but I knew that even instead of selling the antique items the new owners had burned or thrown out the items not even know there value.

I wasn't sad when I left the farm though because returning I had learned about land and farms and I looked at the farm with new eyes and I knew that the land was resting and the land will heal and someday someone will clear it again and restore the fencing and the buildings. The house has stood for many years and someday it will be restored by someone and loved.

I wanted to know if my heart was still there and if I felt tied to it still but when I got home I saw my animals and the joy they had and the land surrounding where I live now and I was content. I still have the best part of the farm with me, I have the words my grandfather shared with me on how he took an old broken down farm and made it beautiful like I remember as a child. I have followed his advise where ever I have lived and there is land and one day I will have my own farm again and there I will do the same.

I have two acorns and a chestnut Kylie found for me from the trees on the old farm, we will start them and plant them up here and they will be a little piece of that place for me. I will return to the farm to put flowers on a grave next year and perhaps from time to time. My dad called to see if we made it home and got very angry with me for going to the farm, there are very bitter feelings for him about it and he thought it was trespassing. Maybe it was but there are graves up there and when I would spend a few days at the farm when my grandfather was living it was understood that people came to the farm and cleaned up the area up there and brought flowers and no one ever had an issue with it. All I know is had to go and I did and know one said a word to me while I was there.

Getting home I did feel such happiness, the next morning I watched out the sunroom window while Micah our part Collie dog ran to the fence and barked at the ponies and Little Bit walked up and sniffed him through the fence, Micah started walking away and Bit started chasing him, Micah was miffed and I laughed and laughed.

I started the job that Monday and I loved the people and the place the first day, it all felt right. I am waiting for my state license to be approved through the state to take loan applications and will be going for a couple days training in a week. I will be out meeting people soon and getting involved in the community which takes me away from being chained to a desk which is something that is important for me.

I will have to go to thrift shops to improve my wardrobe which is just barn clothes and I will need to get my hair cut and start wearing makeup and fixing myself up. It is all good because I needed to get out of the barn clothes funk I have been in for years. I don't feel good about how I look and now I will be forced to make changes that are for the better.

I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet, my sister paid our rent this month and I am behind on board but I have talked to everyone and worked out a plan. I sold some small pieces of gold jewelry for a decent price and got paid for feeding the goats and some labor on a little farm and we've had money for gas and dog food. This past week it hasn't been as tough as it's been for so many months which is good because mentally I don't think I would have survived another month.

I hope to share more positive stories going forward. I ended up quieting the goat farm job because I couldn't make the mornings but the people haven't found anyone yet and I agreed to do the weeknights until they find someone. The buck goat ended up in the trashcan that holds the feed with his feet sticking up in the air the first night I went back. I turned the can on it's side and grabbed his behind and pulled him out farm enough to grab his horns and then pulled him the rest of the way out. He was not about to give up getting the food out of the can without a tussle. I got him out and got the can secured and grabbed him by his goat beard and told him that would be enough of that and he just looked at me like wanna bet and walked away.

It is all an adventure now I am hoping.    

Almost October

I know that most of the spring and summer was pleasant as well as the sunny days of fall but I have not enjoyed these three seasons. I am tired, there aren't many moments where our situation isn't heavily on my mind. There are better days than others of course and Kylie doing well in school is uplifting, the animals are all fine and I continue to try and maintain a productive life to the degree that I can.

I have been promised a job but have waited for several days for an offer letter, I am not sure this job will pull us back from the brink of collapse because it will be largely commission based, I will try my very best to make something of it. School for myself is going okay, programming is interesting but difficult for me mainly because of the amount of focus it takes, my mind is overwhelmed with our situation and I struggle with focusing on anything else.

My sister pledged to help me with the rent and so I know we will be able to stay through October, the horses board is behind and I don't know how I will cure it. We truly are teetering on the very edge of the precipice of becoming homeless.

I have contacted as many agencies as I can, received some help with groceries, my sister is on the second month of paying the utilities. The contract job has not provided any real income and I have taken a job on a hobby farm doing chores in the morning and evening.

I've applied for jobs outside of my recent work experience at all ranges of salaries within reason, I've had interviews in my line of work and have not been hired.

One bright spot is I made a long distance friend who is a wonderful person and has experienced many of the same things I have in my life. Other friends have also stepped up and sent money and provided recommendations for jobs, one of which I am still waiting to receive an official offer letter.

Another bright spot is doing farm chores again and caring for creatures like I used to on our little farm. It keeps me sane, grounded really. There is something within my very soul that needs to be a part of the land and the earth, without it I wither inside.

If I had one dream, one hope or perhaps I have always known that I should have lived a life on a farm or ranch of some kind. My childhood did not permit me to have an opportunity to do what I have always been drawn too, as a tiny child I wanted it so badly. Life happens and you do what you must, it took me a long time as an adult to realize truly where my heart's desire was, it took many years for me to work through things that happened to me as a child.

I don't know what will happen in the coming weeks, I know I will do whatever I can to keep a roof over Kylie's head and continue to try and keep our little band of animals from the shelter or the slaughter. God help me, I don't know how but I'll keep believing and keep trying.