An Exodus back home and current events

I got a job and it's amazing because it all started with a caring friend who I have met only once. It is amazing how God uses good people. I really think the job which is a change from what I have been doing is the right job and will be better for me for many reasons. I have a new boss and she has horses and has been through tough times but is successful and cares about people. Her boss is awesome and the company was willing to take a chance on me and that makes me feel great.

I decided that I wanted to take Kylie back to Charleston on a weekend trip. I wanted to be able to get a way for a day just me and her and to go back to a place I spent a lot of time when I was younger. I wrote my dad and told him I wanted to come down and to see him, he sent me enough money to make the trip and to pay for the hotel room for one night.

It was a good trip, we arrived before noon and met up with my dad, he's 82. He looked great and he bought us lunch and then I drove him around all over Charleston and listened to all of his stories about when  he was a boy. We visited graves of my grandparents and a few other places important to him. My dad has issues, he is very bitter and mean at times but we got though it.

Dad drove back to another area of WV Saturday evening leaving us a little bit of Sunday to go do some things I wanted to do. I wanted to visit the farm that had been in my family for years, it is the only place I had good childhood memories and as a young adult I loved. Dad hates the place because of his stepfather and old slights he perceived. The farm went outside the family after my step grandfather died and no one has gone back since. I felt from the time I arrived at Charleston this overwhelming pull to the farm. I felt a sort of beckoning. I resisted Sunday until I was on my way back on the highway about 10 miles from Charleston, tears started pouring down my cheeks and I knew I had to turn around.

As soon as I got back on the road headed towards the farm I felt a release and well being. I remembered the way although it has been years. The farm is over 60 acres with a big white approximately 150 year old home sitting in the middle of the acres and it sits on a rise about the pastures and looks majestic from the little country road as you come out of the turn in the road. I rounded that turn and there it was as it has always been. I meant only to drive by it and keep going but when my car came to the drive I stopped and turned in, I had too.

I drove down the winding dirt drive and stopped. The old house is in terrible disrepair, the flowers and beautiful old shrubs and bushes that were there form many years were gone. The buildings were equally in bad shape, someone is living there and renting but it is clear that everything is being used not cared for. My grandfather's old tractor sat out, left to the elements to reclaim it. Next to the barn there was always a shinny passenger car, the kind pulled by a train. My grandfather used it for the tack and it was such a cool place, I played in it when I was a child, it was gone.

I have a scar on my finger the one you put a wedding ring on, on the underside of my finger at the first joint, it is a in the shape of a Y, I got it on the gate that led to the back of the farm because it had bobbed wire on it and I got my finger caught. The gate was still hanging but had not been closed in many years or so it appeared.

I got in my car and drove through the gate and stopped at the foot of the hill where the road continues and got out and walked. Kylie and I walked up the hill which is steep to the top and we walked along the tree line till we found the graves. My grandfather is buried up there, others have been and it is a small graveyard that is part of the farm. I found his grave and then we walked around the top of the hill to the point that overlooks the entire farm. We came down after that and started the trip back home.

I did not see the inside of the house which was magnificent at one time with the original wood beams and built in book shelves and french doors, I knew that would be too much for me. The house was filled with beautiful things my grandmother had furnished it with but I knew that even instead of selling the antique items the new owners had burned or thrown out the items not even know there value.

I wasn't sad when I left the farm though because returning I had learned about land and farms and I looked at the farm with new eyes and I knew that the land was resting and the land will heal and someday someone will clear it again and restore the fencing and the buildings. The house has stood for many years and someday it will be restored by someone and loved.

I wanted to know if my heart was still there and if I felt tied to it still but when I got home I saw my animals and the joy they had and the land surrounding where I live now and I was content. I still have the best part of the farm with me, I have the words my grandfather shared with me on how he took an old broken down farm and made it beautiful like I remember as a child. I have followed his advise where ever I have lived and there is land and one day I will have my own farm again and there I will do the same.

I have two acorns and a chestnut Kylie found for me from the trees on the old farm, we will start them and plant them up here and they will be a little piece of that place for me. I will return to the farm to put flowers on a grave next year and perhaps from time to time. My dad called to see if we made it home and got very angry with me for going to the farm, there are very bitter feelings for him about it and he thought it was trespassing. Maybe it was but there are graves up there and when I would spend a few days at the farm when my grandfather was living it was understood that people came to the farm and cleaned up the area up there and brought flowers and no one ever had an issue with it. All I know is had to go and I did and know one said a word to me while I was there.

Getting home I did feel such happiness, the next morning I watched out the sunroom window while Micah our part Collie dog ran to the fence and barked at the ponies and Little Bit walked up and sniffed him through the fence, Micah started walking away and Bit started chasing him, Micah was miffed and I laughed and laughed.

I started the job that Monday and I loved the people and the place the first day, it all felt right. I am waiting for my state license to be approved through the state to take loan applications and will be going for a couple days training in a week. I will be out meeting people soon and getting involved in the community which takes me away from being chained to a desk which is something that is important for me.

I will have to go to thrift shops to improve my wardrobe which is just barn clothes and I will need to get my hair cut and start wearing makeup and fixing myself up. It is all good because I needed to get out of the barn clothes funk I have been in for years. I don't feel good about how I look and now I will be forced to make changes that are for the better.

I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet, my sister paid our rent this month and I am behind on board but I have talked to everyone and worked out a plan. I sold some small pieces of gold jewelry for a decent price and got paid for feeding the goats and some labor on a little farm and we've had money for gas and dog food. This past week it hasn't been as tough as it's been for so many months which is good because mentally I don't think I would have survived another month.

I hope to share more positive stories going forward. I ended up quieting the goat farm job because I couldn't make the mornings but the people haven't found anyone yet and I agreed to do the weeknights until they find someone. The buck goat ended up in the trashcan that holds the feed with his feet sticking up in the air the first night I went back. I turned the can on it's side and grabbed his behind and pulled him out farm enough to grab his horns and then pulled him the rest of the way out. He was not about to give up getting the food out of the can without a tussle. I got him out and got the can secured and grabbed him by his goat beard and told him that would be enough of that and he just looked at me like wanna bet and walked away.

It is all an adventure now I am hoping.    

Almost October

I know that most of the spring and summer was pleasant as well as the sunny days of fall but I have not enjoyed these three seasons. I am tired, there aren't many moments where our situation isn't heavily on my mind. There are better days than others of course and Kylie doing well in school is uplifting, the animals are all fine and I continue to try and maintain a productive life to the degree that I can.

I have been promised a job but have waited for several days for an offer letter, I am not sure this job will pull us back from the brink of collapse because it will be largely commission based, I will try my very best to make something of it. School for myself is going okay, programming is interesting but difficult for me mainly because of the amount of focus it takes, my mind is overwhelmed with our situation and I struggle with focusing on anything else.

My sister pledged to help me with the rent and so I know we will be able to stay through October, the horses board is behind and I don't know how I will cure it. We truly are teetering on the very edge of the precipice of becoming homeless.

I have contacted as many agencies as I can, received some help with groceries, my sister is on the second month of paying the utilities. The contract job has not provided any real income and I have taken a job on a hobby farm doing chores in the morning and evening.

I've applied for jobs outside of my recent work experience at all ranges of salaries within reason, I've had interviews in my line of work and have not been hired.

One bright spot is I made a long distance friend who is a wonderful person and has experienced many of the same things I have in my life. Other friends have also stepped up and sent money and provided recommendations for jobs, one of which I am still waiting to receive an official offer letter.

Another bright spot is doing farm chores again and caring for creatures like I used to on our little farm. It keeps me sane, grounded really. There is something within my very soul that needs to be a part of the land and the earth, without it I wither inside.

If I had one dream, one hope or perhaps I have always known that I should have lived a life on a farm or ranch of some kind. My childhood did not permit me to have an opportunity to do what I have always been drawn too, as a tiny child I wanted it so badly. Life happens and you do what you must, it took me a long time as an adult to realize truly where my heart's desire was, it took many years for me to work through things that happened to me as a child.

I don't know what will happen in the coming weeks, I know I will do whatever I can to keep a roof over Kylie's head and continue to try and keep our little band of animals from the shelter or the slaughter. God help me, I don't know how but I'll keep believing and keep trying. 

September flies by

I've been busy, first with the little job I have taking care of a herd of goats, then helping my hay farmer unload hay wagons, school, and of course job searches and interviews. A very kind person referred me to a friend of hers who works for a mortgage company and they were hiring. The position is for loan originator, I interviewed and like the person I called and I liked her manager and also after investigating the company I like them too.

They are doing a background check on me and when the results come back they say they are going to make me an offer. It is a little scary because it is a base salary plus commission, on the other hand it has great earning potential. I have thought about it and I actually think I will enjoy this more than underwriting. There is a thrill in helping people buy a home, by helping them get financing. It is also a good feeling to help them along the way until they can be in a position to buy a home.

Since things have been so tough these past few months and in my opinion the world and people's hearts have gotten harder there may be room for me to not only make some income but also to reach out to people that I can help. It would be great to start a group that helped single mothers get closer to buying a home or other things that could be a comfort to them.

I would like to be successful and be able to take my daughter on one little vacation, we have never been able to do that, I'd like to make sure that all of my animals are safe and secure. After that, I'd like very much to help others, I'd like to be in a position to share my blessings. I am so tired of the hardness and the greed in this world, I really don't care what other people do or think but I'd like to make a difference. Lots of dreaming here though, the most important thing is I can provide and save us from the homeless shelter and the animals going to God knows where. I hope it all turns around and then making a difference, that would be grand. 

Building my farm resume

Within the last two weeks I have learned about chickens, goats, and sheep. Today I helped my hay farmer worm his sheep, there were about 20 all together. I liked the sheep they were timid but I understand herding and moving herds and they were easier to worm than horses who don't like to be wormed. The farmer caught them and held them and I wormed them with a syringe like lightening. Three of them looked pretty bad because they weren't as immune to the worms but they will perk up now that they got a full dose of medicine and are sectioned off so they won't have to compete for food with so many others.

I don't like to see animals of any  kind overcrowded or in distress, I was happy to help and he will give me hay for our ponies if I go and lend a helping hand. I have to clean a chicken coop out tonight which will be interesting I am sure.

I am pretty good at milking a goat now too. I am sure the goat is happy I am getting better and faster, she is a very sweet and patient goat and I like taking care of her.

I am wondering what will be next on my agenda of learning to care for different varieties of animals.   

Just a tough week

I have mastered my goat farm job, I can milk a goat now but still a little slow at it. I will improve with practice, the goats are a variety of sizes with some babies thrown in, they are cute but tenacious in their pursuit of food. They have all been hand raised so they are very sweet and cuddly once you get past the goat smell. I care for the goat herd, two mini's, chickens, two peacocks and on occasion two dogs. I like the job because the people are nice and although very busy with their professional lives they provide well for their animals. They are new at the whole mini farm thing so I will help them with some of the pasture care etc.

I went to a horse barn today to see about a job and to be able to work off board for our two horses, unfortunately it wasn't the right fit. All of the horses there were showing hip bones, even the younger ones and they were either standing in the back of their stalls with their heads down or were angry or very negative as I walked past the stalls. The owner was very likable but the horses told me all I needed to know. I felt that if I came to see my horses and they acted or looked like any of the horses there I'd be very concerned so I can't work in a place where I don't have a good feeling about the environment for my horses or others horses. I will continue to look for the right place and although I don't have much time for our horses right now I know they are happy and they are safe. Boarding is never something I ever wanted to do, I want them home but since that isn't possible I will work as many jobs as I have to in order to keep them safe.

The contract job is very difficult, there is so much detail and there is a huge amount of documents to review and they are not standard loans, it is very time consuming and accuracy is a challenge because of the requirements for each batch of loans from different lenders.

I feel I have reached a point in my career where I question if I have what it takes anymore and also there are no jobs in mortgages locally, I have been approached by other companies to relocate. I am hesitant for several reasons because I could move and if I were laid off what then, also Kylie is in school and very determined to succeed in the program she is in and I feel it is important to try and hold out until she graduates.

I really don't know from day to day just how things will work out for us. I don't have money for the rent or the car or many other things although we now have food at least. It is very difficult to keep going but I am reminded by the ones I love that I need to keep going for as long as I can, Kylie and the animals have no one else to care for them.

The week was tough because of the work both the farm and the contract job, the heat, trying to be a supportive parent, the work around here, and trying to study. The other part is trying to keep mentally going, it is so difficult to do anything when things look so bad.

I think sometimes how nice it would be to go swimming or just sit down with friends and enjoy some comfort and relaxation. From every waking moment until I go to bed at night my mind is on survival, I am in a constant state of working or searching for work or fending off bill collectors. At times I feel I am in a prison. I try to sit with the dogs or pet the ponies and take time to just focus on them but it isn't easy to do without thinking what will become of us.

I pray and even though it feels like my prayers are met with silence in my heart I feel God has a plan and I asked Him to lift the burden I carry and carry it for me for awhile. Although it seems that I may have little left when this is all over I will keep faith in God, I know He is my friend and has cared for me, I just have to keep trusting Him.

What it takes to survive

We got a card for groceries finally, I went and got groceries and stocked up. On Facebook I saw a post running down people for getting food assistance, whining about being middle class and making it seem like people who get assistance are some kind of low lives. Well, I've worked hard all my life, I've gone starving for weeks and worst of all my daughter has starved too and I am auditing files of people who have lost their jobs and are trying to hold on to there homes and it's a problem in this country and good hardworking people are forced to take help when they'd rather not.

So many people in this country hate the poor and struggling, it makes me sick. Okay so you can work and have enough to live on which is becoming more and more a privilege these days and judge everyone else. I wish people would just be thankful for what they have and have compassion for those who don't. It's an ugly society we live in today. The last two companies I have worked for outsourced service jobs to other countries, if someone wants to blame someone to make themselves feel better they need to start with the large corporations who have sold them out and forced people to turn to assistance just to survive.

There are dishonest people in this world that work the system with welfare and unemployment but every job I have ever had someone was cheating there too so it is hypocrisy to kick around people who are down on their luck unless you can clean house from the top down.

Anyway, our assistance won't last long because I can earn very little with the contract job before we loose it which is okay, we'll get by, at least we won't starve for a month. I took a job at a little farm down the road to work morning and evenings feeding and chores, later today I am going to talk to another farm which has horses to see if I can work there too. It will be tough balancing 3 jobs and college coursework but it is what it is.

I will gladly do what I can to keep our little band of animals, the house and Kylie safe. I am asking God to give me strength and determination to do these things and to keep everyone safe. Kylie is feeling better about school now that she is settling in and making friends. There's lots of changes going on in her life and she is at an age where there is a lot of stress and perceived worries.

I am helping her a little with studying at night too but for the most part she is doing well and I am glad she is able to go to the career center. The one thing that is difficult is not having a car for her and it is also hard not having a truck, I could do so much more with a pick up truck but maybe if we can make it through this winter Kylie will be working and we can get a beater truck which will give her transportation and me something to haul things with like hay and sawdust.

The weather is hot and that gets to me these days, hopefully it will cool down again which will make the labor outside easier. Besides all of the work for others I have plenty here to do which I will space out to get things cleaned up before winter. It would be so much easier if the horses were here, I wouldn't have to worry about board and could do the chores here and just do one extra job on the side but no money for fencing or an outbuilding for them at this time and so we will do the best we can, I love them and I will do my best with what I have and leave the rest to God. 

Friday was a terrible day but it turned around Saturday

I finally called my brother and asked him to come down which he did Saturday. He bought us much needed groceries and talked to Kylie giving her the support she needed about school and her decision to go into a masculine profession. I never realized how bad you can feel when you aren't eating enough or the right kinds of foods. I feel 100% better now, we have enough groceries until we receive help from the county.

My sister made me go up to the gas station and she gave them her card information and she put gas in my car. We had no gas either. I talked to the feed store and got a bag of horse feed and will bring them the money next week, we had no feed or cat food either.

Saturday I went to meet a family that needs to hire someone to feed their goats and horses while they travel and work so it's a 6 day a week job, an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. It isn't far from here and will bring in some much needed cash. I also have a date next weekend to help a farmer worm some sheep in exchange for some hay.

I am working the contract job every day and adding to my income by doing these side jobs, if I can just get a decent sum together to get us caught up we might be able to make it from this point on, problem is getting the rent payment all together at one time without letting everything else go. I will be working on what to do about it this week.

I am on the look out for a job at a stables that will let me work off board for our horses saving me $500 a month. I think I will be working 14 hour days soon but it is better than loosing everything and everyone.

I started my programming class and I really like it, I think it will be something I enjoy and eventually it will turn into a good job. The rates are going to go up and I think the mortgage jobs are going to be dead and there will be more layoffs to come. I am very happy I decided to start working on a plan to get into a better career. For now though I will be hustling 24/7 anyway I can to make things workout.

Funny, I thought I was through working with animals and farms, seems I've been led back to it. With decent food and rest I'll be able to do this. Yes, eating does make a difference!