Tiger Lilly

I found a tiny kitten in an old barn 19 years ago, her mother had been killed on the road. I picked her up and took her home, she was very small and sickly, I named her Tiger Lilly.

This week I had to make a very difficult decision, Tiger has been failing for awhile, she ate ravenously but kept loosing weight. Tiger Lilly was as sharp as ever but she was incontinent and was becoming a little skeleton.  I knew she could not be feeling well, I knew she would just keep going no matter what though.

I thought with the warmer weather she would still like to go outside, that I would just wait until I knew it was time. I let her out for a little while and I looked out my office window, I saw her outside but she looked so frail, so unhappy, always hungry.

I knew the situation would continue and get worse with every day that passed, I hate having to make a decision to end a life, I absolutely hate it. I realized when I saw her from my window that I would have to love her now more than ever and end the suffering for her.

Tiger Lilly had an accident when she was a couple of years old, she ran under the pony and it cracked her skull, her eyes crossed and stayed that way for a year. In those days I didn't have the money to rush her to the emergency hospital, I called the vet and he advised that I should keep ice on her head to relieve the pressure and wait and see. I held ice bags on her little head for hours, she survived.

Tiger Lilly moved with us wherever we went, she never ran away, she always stuck close to me, she lived mostly outside but she knew where she belonged.

19 years is a long time, she stuck to me like glue all those years, and she was very sweet but she was tough. Tiger was smaller than most cats and for some reason she wasn't liked by most other cats. Nothing stopped her though, she kept living and going.

The day the vet came I held her close to me, she was so emaciated but regardless she purred and she rubber her little face against mine. I ask the vet to come to the farm, I didn't want her to pass in an office and have to go through the stress of being in a crate and transported.

The vet gave her a shot to make her sleep first, of course she refused to go to sleep and she was mad she got a shot, she was feisty even at the end. My heart was torn to pieces but I held her and the vet gave her more of a sedative and then the final shot,

Tiger will be cremated and return home, her ashes will be placed in the cabinet that hold my three dogs ashes and our ponies ashes. When I pass I will be cremated and all of us will be placed in the soil together. 

Many memories have come flooding back that Tiger Lilly was a part of. I had her all of her life and a huge part of mine. It is never easy to decide when it is the right time, there are always doubts and guilt. I can only say I knew could not turn away from it, there was no way to allow the suffering any longer. 

-Tiger Lilly, you were a sweet and precious little girl. No matter what  you loved me, you always loved me. I love you very much and although your body could no longer go on, your little soul can and I hope you will always be near and someday I will see you again.

Time just flew

I haven't signed in for awhile but didn't realize it has been almost a year. Last spring, summer and fall were dominated by my job, I worked long hours for months. We are busy again even with the virus that has shut many businesses down.

Having a farm and all the animals and working full-time is a real challenge,  of course my heart is in the farm but I have a lot of mouths to feed. My brother moved out in March which made things a little easier, he wasn't the neatest person and sometimes made more work for me. I love my brother but I don't necessarily want him to live here.

My brother moved back to Cleveland where he has more access to the things and services he needs, living out here a way from everything wasn't the best thing for him either.

All of the animals are doing well, the barn cats keep having kittens. I have caught as many as I can and taken them to spay and neuter places but right now there are no clinics that will do it for a reduced price or if the cats are trapped. I expect there will be more kittens soon, I have been able to finds homes for some but it is still an ongoing problem.

Last summer we ended up with cats that were feral but being fed by a neighbor and they had kittens and the neighbors moves so the Mommas brought them here, one momma is a little crippled cat, she only has three legs. We bottle fed 2 of crippled momma's kittens because she couldn't care for all of hers, one kitten made it and one did not. I never can not grieve when life is lost, it hurt a lot to loose that little one.

It was a mild winter, we really didn't get the freeze we normally do and the animals outside and nature bounce back and forth trying to adjust. Spring is early and the farm is changing to a sleeping landscape to a lush, budding green one.

The fish are up in the pond and hungry, I have started feeding them already. During the winter months I miss their little faces, I am still waiting for the snapping turtles to reappear. The geese have spend most of the winter on the pond since it hadn't frozen for very long this winter.

My mind is clearer now that spring has come and I have more time alone to contemplate things. I have decided to work on my animal communication skills. I have known for a long time that I could communicate with animals through feelings and seeing pictures and just knowing things. I haven't tried it with anyone else's animals but I am certain now I can do it with my own.

I am not sure where this will lead other than bring me closer to my own animals, I miss Daniel too and think of him every day, I am hoping that I will be able to connect with him in some way.

My vacation

I took this week off for vacation, everyone asks me where I am going and I just chuckle a little. I don't think I have actually gone somewhere on vacation for over 20 years. When I am on vacation from my employment I go into full do things around the farm mode. 

I would be happiest working and doing things here all day everyday. I also catch up on sleep and have time to think and reflect. My mind has a chance to absorb all that is going on around me and I can spend time with the animals instead of running from one chore to another. 

Saturday I was in a haze from the long work week because I worked late every night. I was exhausted Saturday but the weather was nice and I still went out and mowed the grass and I went to the store and bought a couple of trees to plant. 

Sunday was Mother's day, it rained and was cold all day. Kylie had bought me flowers but she had to study for her final. Honestly, I slept most of the day because I was still exhausted. 

Monday I slept in and it rained but I heard voices downstairs and thought Kylie was talking to herself while she was making breakfast. She had school so she was up really early. When she got home she explained that she heard a knock at the door and there stood Abe who needed a ride to the Amish neighboring farms because his horses had broken out of their pasture late that night and were on the loose. 

Kylie had her big final in math but she took Abe around to the farms and back home and still managed to get to school. Later Monday afternoon, Abe's brother Levi stopped in to ask me to send a message to the realtor that is helping sell his house here. Levi is moving to Kentucky in June. I will miss him and his family, he is a rare person, so kind and gentle. I have met few people in my life with such goodness. 

Today is Tuesday and it is by far the most interesting day. I woke up and went downstairs and my brother came in from the front porch, he was excited because there were three goslings walking in the grass with their parents. Finally, the big day had arrived. I yelled downstairs where Kylie was in the basement to let her know, she didn't have school and I expected her to sleep in. It wasn't long after I called down that she appeared in the kitchen and wanted to know where to look outside. 

We walked out and watched the little family walking and cropping grass. My geese went to the pond because they weren't being chased anymore by the wild pappa goose. We fed the horses and then started cleaning the garage. Kylie check her grades and was overjoyed to find out she did great on her test. 

We decided to take a break and walk to the pond. Since the geese family no longer cared about the nest I walked over to see the broken eggs and one that had been discarded a while back. One egg looked like it hadn't been cracked open all the way, I figured it was just one that didn't make it. A few minutes later Kylie walked over to take a look and saw something move, sure enough the baby inside the egg was still alive but couldn't get out of the egg, we had a dilemma, if we left it alone it would die. 

Kylie got the egg open and the baby out, she carried it to the house and I gave it a nice little box and my brother gave it his heating pad. It was very weak and we really didn't think it would survive more than an hour. Every hour that passes on the heating pad it has unfurled and been able to move its head and body more. 

I think it will survive, we have called a rehab place but we are hoping to get it up and going and some how some way get it close enough to the parents in hopes they will adopt it not knowing that is really theirs. I am thinking the rest of the week will be interesting. 

We went back and finished the garage, gathered all the trash that accumulated over the winter and burned it. The vet came for the horses booster shots for botulism and the stalls were cleaned. Some weed whacking and some more mowing. 

The last thing was to drive to Abe's house because we heard a horse nicker across the road in his field. Turns out that Abe's horses came home on their own and broke into a door and locked themselves in the barn by accident. There is a happy ending for you.

Top - abandon Gosling
Bottom- Poppa with one of the three Goslings

Never assume

Yesterday I had all 4 equines vaccinated, I did not have them vaccinated the past 3 years because it is my belief that vaccinating year after year can cause issues. Most people would not agree with me on this but I felt that it was best for me and my horses. 

The vet came out and we did the basic spring shots. I was very concerned with vaccinating Cody because last year he had his first colic, he is 26 and has really never had a problem that required more than a yearly check up. He got a life threatening infection from an injection on top of the colic and it was really scary. 

Naturally, I was the same thing might happen again so as a precautionary measure I clipped the place where he would get the vaccinations and the doctor swabbed the area with alcohol. The rest of the day I kept a close eye on him. I noticed that when I let him out in the evening he didn't want to stay out long, he came and stood at the outside door to his stall so I let him in. 

This morning he was not feeling well and slow to move but there was no swelling in the area he was vaccinated, he didn't carry on like he normal he did at breakfast time. Lil Bit my miniature horse was laying down and didn't want to get up, no rolling but he didn't have much of an appetite either. Aubrey and Hugh were acting normal so I went in and called the vet. Cody and Bit were having a reaction to the vaccines so I gave them both a dose of Banamine. This evening they are more like themselves. 

I did opt for a vaccination for botulism since the vet had treated and lost several horses recently in his practice area. I feed mainly round bales and there is a greater chance of contamination with round bales so I heeded the vets advise and let him vaccinate for botulism. 

Since the 2 horses were off, I decided to leave the horse in this evening. Eli is 60 plus year old Amish man that picks stalls for me three times a week. When Eli showed up I went out and told him to leave the horses in and explained to him why. 

Ely had an accident when he was young and he it somehow affected in a way that he is a little slow in speech and thinking. He cleans stalls to earn money for his family, he is always on time and does a very good job. 

While explaining about the horses we talked about how old Cody is, he is 26 now. I always feel kind of strange talking to Amish about how old Cody is because I assume they would think it crazy to spend money on an old horse. One should not assume things though, Levi explained to me that they had an old horse and that he couldn't ship him off but rather wishes to take care of him.

Eli said that the horse had worked hard and served him for may years and to him it didn't seem right not to take care of him till the end. I thanked Eli for sharing that with me, it is the way I feel about it and it made me feel like crying. So many people sell or try and give away or even ship old horses. People think they'll find a good home but I could never do that to an animal I have taken care of for so many years, an animal that trusts me. Eli is a very simple person, he is quiet and humble but to me he is a good and fine person, I feel so blessed to know him. 

Loneliness

Relationships have not been my strong suit in my lifetime. The older I get the more independent and set i my ways I get and I most often want to be alone. I have two dependents right now, my daughter and my step brother, they both need me to provide for them in different ways.

I care for numerous animals and the farm but both are almost always a pleasure to me. The difficulty with people is they are more complex and in ways more emotionally demanding. I don't have anyone to lean on, to be strong for me and in some cases share the burden of making decisions and fielding the problems and demands that my family sometimes needs help with.

When I am completely alone and the static noise of people is not present I am calm and I do not feel alone, it is when I am not alone that I feel my loneliest. It is hard to understand, part of it is I am driven to work, to do and to accomplish and I feel impeded and defeated with clutter and static in my environment. The other part of it is I never completely relax in the presence of others.

Probably a large part of the feelings I am experiencing is I think mostly of others comfort and needs. I will more than likely try to go above and beyond to meet the needs of my two human loved ones and then feel left out in a way. The feeling of being left out equates to I have not my own needs and desires in caring for myself or doing things I enjoy.

I do live to make the animals safe, healthy and happy, it maybe that I need to be cared for also. I know I can't look to or expect the people in my household right now to be strong and supportive to me because they need it more than I do.

Still, sometimes there is a feeling of hopelessness, of loneliness. It is a melancholy  that takes hold of me. I want to cry, I want to be held for a moment, I want encouragement and even surprises. It will pass as it always does, there will be a sunny warm day and I'll be free from working at my job and I'll be outside and enjoying everything around me. I'll feel free and alive and I won't desire anymore than just the simplicity of it all.   

Spring and all its glory

Spring is a magnificent catalyst, the beginning of vibrant colors, a surge of energy and creation.  I have enjoyed being close to nature in the past but living here in a more natural environment and with a pond that has a very healthy ecosystem I find myself even more deeply submerged in the natural world.

During the past two weeks I have witnessed a dormant landscape gradually awaken, with each day of sunlight the grass has greened and the trees have sprouted their buds. Insects, snakes, and bullfrogs all emerging into the warm of the sun.

Along with the emergence of hibernating creatures, birds have returned, skunks and groundhogs are seen and the deer run through the backwoods. There is a great deal of busyness going on as well, the dance of courtship, battles between males and the intense preparation for the new life that will come soon.

I have been given the privilege of sharing something that most deeply touches my heart, it fills me with wonderment and admiration, it is motherhood. I have witnessed the fierceness of mother cats protecting their young, I've watched the tender way they care for their kittens. I've seen the tiniest birds attack and chase birds of prey away from their nest, relentlessly diving and striking them until they flee.

Since I have a pond I have waterfowl, namely geese. I have domestic geese and now a pair of wild geese have decided to nest by the pond. There are two nests, one in the barn with Penny sitting on it and she will not leave it for more than a few minutes a day for about a month. Burt the gander who is normally gentle is now brave and vigilant.

The wild geese have a nest close to the pond where the orchard is just next to a log. The father is near and watches the entire pond and surrounding area, he chases anything he deems a threat. The mother is hunkered down on the nest, she raises her head only slightly when she hears anything near.

I wasn't sure if the wild geese would permit me to walk around the pond without chasing but they have not. The father will walk into the pond and swim a few feet a way but neither he or the mother seem overly concerned about my presence.

Soon the fish in the pond will spaun, they are already busy at work making their little places close to the water's edge where they will lay their eggs. As the weeks go by the fish will become very feisty and defend that little area in the sand and gravel that they have claimed for their own.

On a recent walk around the pond I strolled by where mother goose is on her nest, I felt her eyes boring into me and looked to see her indeed staring at me. Father goose swam closer to see what was going on. I snapped a couple of pictures, you can see mother goose's head just peering over the log at me.

An interesting twist

This farm is surrounded by Amish families, when I purchased this place I was immediately introduced to one of my neighbors, Abe. Since I've lived here Abe has built on to the barn, installed the horse fencing, built a new porch and put beautiful wood floor in the sunroom.

Abe is a master carpenter, everything he has done here has been done with hand tools and occasionally a gas powered table saw. Abe and his helpers do beautiful work.

The Amish believe in neighboring, that means that they strive to be good neighbors and enjoy having neighbors that feel the same way. I am what they call an "English" but I am a good English becauses I understand and try to practice neighboring.

Abe and his family have become more than just good Amish carpenters, I have enjoyed eating at his table, his visits and trading. Most of all we spar because Abe has a very colorful personality and a very good sense of humor.

There are a few things about the Amish that is not common knowledge, one is that even though they do not have phones and cars news travels like wildfire among their community. Also, they have super powers, they see everything like people visiting or a hay delivery and even a Vet visit. Abe does not live right next to me but he knows everything that goes on at my place, it's like he has x ray vision through several acres of woods and fields.

The other very important thing to know about Amish is that they love ice cream, I mean they LOVE ice cream. The love of ice cream comes from not having a way to keep it for long. Also, Amish work all the time and do not have many places to sit in their homes. They are always moving and won't sit long as a rule, this equates to being able to eat a lot of ice cream and burn off the calories without blinking an eye.

Abe was a gateway to the Amish community all around me. I am visited by other Amish and when they need to call a doctor or sometimes to be driven somewhere because of a medical need. In return, I have been given homemade bread from their tables and other items that they produce.

I am "in" their circle to a point because when they interact with me they are themselves, when another English is present though they will become stoic and Amish. Some have shared their knowledge of home remedies and experience.

The most valuable gift I have received from my Amish friends is learning about their goodness, they do love and care for animals, they love their children and do everything with them. People think their life is a hard one but they work and live at a pace, they do not obsess and they do not worry about material things. Amish value family and community more than anything else they could possess.

My neighbors bring back memories of and have so much in common with the family I grew up with. My adopted grandfather was born in 1884, he wore very plain work clothes, laced boots and a straw hat in the summer, my adopted mother canned everything. I grew up with stories of their lives when they did not have electricity and running water. I relate to the people around me now sometimes more than my own English kind.

Tonight we visited Levi who is Abe's younger brother. Levi is the sweetest and kindest and he looks just like his dad. I met Levi's children and his wife too. We went to Levi's house to take pictures to help him sell it, he wants to move to Kentucky where land is cheaper and the farms are larger. Levi has six children, he will have more and he wants to live where his children can live and have farms when they grow up. There is not enough land here now at a reasonable price to expand the community.

We walked across the road and visited Levi's father's metal working shop which was filled with large old fashioned machining equipment. Outside the shop is all the equipment Levi and the other Amish have manufactured by hand, all farm implements. The workmanship is pristine and impressive because the work was done the old way without modern machining equipment.

 The picture above is of a simple kitchen in Levi's home, it is complete with a woodburning stove and a long dining room table lined with plain wooden chairs. The home was simplistic, warm, clean and filled with family love.

My life has taken a very interesting twist moving here, I have learned about another culture, I have become the proud owner of domestic geese which yields amusement and endless stories, I have a huge spring fed pond teeming with life that shares it's secrets with me with every season that passes. All of these things are amazing to me, my life has been deeply enriched and I am grateful for them.