Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Sunday, October 12, 2014

An Exodus back home and current events

I got a job and it's amazing because it all started with a caring friend who I have met only once. It is amazing how God uses good people. I really think the job which is a change from what I have been doing is the right job and will be better for me for many reasons. I have a new boss and she has horses and has been through tough times but is successful and cares about people. Her boss is awesome and the company was willing to take a chance on me and that makes me feel great.

I decided that I wanted to take Kylie back to Charleston on a weekend trip. I wanted to be able to get a way for a day just me and her and to go back to a place I spent a lot of time when I was younger. I wrote my dad and told him I wanted to come down and to see him, he sent me enough money to make the trip and to pay for the hotel room for one night.

It was a good trip, we arrived before noon and met up with my dad, he's 82. He looked great and he bought us lunch and then I drove him around all over Charleston and listened to all of his stories about when  he was a boy. We visited graves of my grandparents and a few other places important to him. My dad has issues, he is very bitter and mean at times but we got though it.

Dad drove back to another area of WV Saturday evening leaving us a little bit of Sunday to go do some things I wanted to do. I wanted to visit the farm that had been in my family for years, it is the only place I had good childhood memories and as a young adult I loved. Dad hates the place because of his stepfather and old slights he perceived. The farm went outside the family after my step grandfather died and no one has gone back since. I felt from the time I arrived at Charleston this overwhelming pull to the farm. I felt a sort of beckoning. I resisted Sunday until I was on my way back on the highway about 10 miles from Charleston, tears started pouring down my cheeks and I knew I had to turn around.

As soon as I got back on the road headed towards the farm I felt a release and well being. I remembered the way although it has been years. The farm is over 60 acres with a big white approximately 150 year old home sitting in the middle of the acres and it sits on a rise about the pastures and looks majestic from the little country road as you come out of the turn in the road. I rounded that turn and there it was as it has always been. I meant only to drive by it and keep going but when my car came to the drive I stopped and turned in, I had too.

I drove down the winding dirt drive and stopped. The old house is in terrible disrepair, the flowers and beautiful old shrubs and bushes that were there form many years were gone. The buildings were equally in bad shape, someone is living there and renting but it is clear that everything is being used not cared for. My grandfather's old tractor sat out, left to the elements to reclaim it. Next to the barn there was always a shinny passenger car, the kind pulled by a train. My grandfather used it for the tack and it was such a cool place, I played in it when I was a child, it was gone.

I have a scar on my finger the one you put a wedding ring on, on the underside of my finger at the first joint, it is a in the shape of a Y, I got it on the gate that led to the back of the farm because it had bobbed wire on it and I got my finger caught. The gate was still hanging but had not been closed in many years or so it appeared.

I got in my car and drove through the gate and stopped at the foot of the hill where the road continues and got out and walked. Kylie and I walked up the hill which is steep to the top and we walked along the tree line till we found the graves. My grandfather is buried up there, others have been and it is a small graveyard that is part of the farm. I found his grave and then we walked around the top of the hill to the point that overlooks the entire farm. We came down after that and started the trip back home.

I did not see the inside of the house which was magnificent at one time with the original wood beams and built in book shelves and french doors, I knew that would be too much for me. The house was filled with beautiful things my grandmother had furnished it with but I knew that even instead of selling the antique items the new owners had burned or thrown out the items not even know there value.

I wasn't sad when I left the farm though because returning I had learned about land and farms and I looked at the farm with new eyes and I knew that the land was resting and the land will heal and someday someone will clear it again and restore the fencing and the buildings. The house has stood for many years and someday it will be restored by someone and loved.

I wanted to know if my heart was still there and if I felt tied to it still but when I got home I saw my animals and the joy they had and the land surrounding where I live now and I was content. I still have the best part of the farm with me, I have the words my grandfather shared with me on how he took an old broken down farm and made it beautiful like I remember as a child. I have followed his advise where ever I have lived and there is land and one day I will have my own farm again and there I will do the same.

I have two acorns and a chestnut Kylie found for me from the trees on the old farm, we will start them and plant them up here and they will be a little piece of that place for me. I will return to the farm to put flowers on a grave next year and perhaps from time to time. My dad called to see if we made it home and got very angry with me for going to the farm, there are very bitter feelings for him about it and he thought it was trespassing. Maybe it was but there are graves up there and when I would spend a few days at the farm when my grandfather was living it was understood that people came to the farm and cleaned up the area up there and brought flowers and no one ever had an issue with it. All I know is had to go and I did and know one said a word to me while I was there.

Getting home I did feel such happiness, the next morning I watched out the sunroom window while Micah our part Collie dog ran to the fence and barked at the ponies and Little Bit walked up and sniffed him through the fence, Micah started walking away and Bit started chasing him, Micah was miffed and I laughed and laughed.

I started the job that Monday and I loved the people and the place the first day, it all felt right. I am waiting for my state license to be approved through the state to take loan applications and will be going for a couple days training in a week. I will be out meeting people soon and getting involved in the community which takes me away from being chained to a desk which is something that is important for me.

I will have to go to thrift shops to improve my wardrobe which is just barn clothes and I will need to get my hair cut and start wearing makeup and fixing myself up. It is all good because I needed to get out of the barn clothes funk I have been in for years. I don't feel good about how I look and now I will be forced to make changes that are for the better.

I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet, my sister paid our rent this month and I am behind on board but I have talked to everyone and worked out a plan. I sold some small pieces of gold jewelry for a decent price and got paid for feeding the goats and some labor on a little farm and we've had money for gas and dog food. This past week it hasn't been as tough as it's been for so many months which is good because mentally I don't think I would have survived another month.

I hope to share more positive stories going forward. I ended up quieting the goat farm job because I couldn't make the mornings but the people haven't found anyone yet and I agreed to do the weeknights until they find someone. The buck goat ended up in the trashcan that holds the feed with his feet sticking up in the air the first night I went back. I turned the can on it's side and grabbed his behind and pulled him out farm enough to grab his horns and then pulled him the rest of the way out. He was not about to give up getting the food out of the can without a tussle. I got him out and got the can secured and grabbed him by his goat beard and told him that would be enough of that and he just looked at me like wanna bet and walked away.

It is all an adventure now I am hoping.