Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Sunday, March 30, 2014

The belief that holding long enough is hope

I have so much to be thankful for but I am worried about the future. A person cannot help worrying when they are a displaced worker. I have a friend who is going through the possible loss of her home and farm. She calls me to talk about what she is going through and I understand what she feels because I have been there.

A wise man told me when we lost our farm that if you have each other that is all that counts. When all was said and one he was right. God made it possible for us all to stay together and it was a tall order with trying to find a place where Kylie and I could live and keep our family of animals. I don't have much of a family left in the way of people and so the animals are my family. They are my counselors, therapists, comfort and I love them and they need me.

Things and even a house are material but relationships, love and living things you can't put a price on. To me Kylie and the living things around me are what I live for. There is nothing, even my own life that I would put more value on if it was a choice to save them all.

I am at a point in my career life where I feel less capable, when I was in my twenties I wanted to set the world on fire but now I want a good job that I like and cherish some security. I am thinking that is what most people want these days, the job market is terrible in many industries. Many families are suffering, it isn't a question of doing without but survival.

I know we are all blessed to live in this country  because there are poorer countries and people starving and dying in the worst of conditions, there are people in this world rich and poor who have no one to care about them or for them to care about. It is just as important to give and receive love as it is to have an income or air for that matter. A person can die of loneliness, maybe not physical death right away but in their soul.

I pray for people and myself and animals, I wish I could do more for others. I pray to God for His love and to be able to feel His love. Through it all knowing I am loved by God is the desire of my heart. I pray to be a better person and for a way to made for us to survive and stay together.

Right now I don't know what the answers are or see a path cleared for me to continue on but I wait for it. I am sad sometimes but I remember to be thankful too. I have to remember each day that we are together and have a roof over out heads and food to eat that it is a blessing and there is little I can do beyond a day except be thankful and forge a head.

I think often of the times when things were uncertain a couple of years ago and the miracles that unfolded realizing that things aren't so bad that grace can't carry us now. I am tired though, all these years of fighting for survival and the will to keep going through ridiculous circumstances sometimes has made me very tired. I have to admit that I sometimes long for easy, less to worry about, fewer mouths to feed and less effort. Still, I would go down fighting if I were to loose one of my animal family just because of economics.

Kylie is the point of her life where she will need things like a car to drive and college in a couple of years. My mother's heart kicks in and I feel a strong sense of guilt because it will not be easy to get her through these next few years so she can be successful in the world. She will have to do without many things I'd like to do for her but where there is a will there is a way, I'm not finished trying.

In order to keep going I have to believe God has a plan for us, that our steps are ordered and we are heading towards His preferred destination for us. As I am writing this and know that love is so important I realize that hope is as much so as love. Losing hope is death one way or another. As long as I believe I have hope and I pray I will never be too tired to believe.


Friday, March 28, 2014

Trying to be productive

I put an ad on craigslist for farm sitting, we used to do it for people and it is a fun job. I got a call last night and I drove over to a farm this afternoon to meet with the owner to see if it would be a good fit. They will let me know tomorrow, I got to meet two seniors, one a mule and one a small horse, that is the fun part of farm sitting, meeting different horses and a variety of animals.

We drove out to find Ely our blacksmith who is Amish, you can't call him so you have to go see him to make an appointment. The little horses and the big horses all need trims, Ely only charges $15 a trim and he's a good blacksmith, Kylie is going to pay for the trims out of her wages and she bought some horse feed today to help out.

I am working on finding a cheap tow for the old truck so I can get it to auction and get it sold and will be shopping prices on Monday. Sunday the sheep farmer is bringing a round bale for the two little ones here. I am trying to keep everyone fed and the lights on so to speak. It isn't easy but God seems to provide things as we go.

I also visited a new customer's house and met her dog this week, I will be pet sitting over the holiday for her. I love animals and any bit of cash I can earn is a help.

Kylie has been practicing driving my 5 speed Toyota to get the hang of it, each time she tries to go in first gear she gets a little better. She will someday be driving herself around, she is saving money now for her driver's ed course.

I have one month before my classes start, I am anxious because the sooner I get my degree the sooner I can change careers. In the meantime I hope to pick up odd jobs or even land an underwriting job through the summer.

Yesterday Kylie put her English saddle on Cody and she rode him and when she was done I got up and rode him. I did pretty well, her English saddle is very comfortable and Cody is easy to ride. The barn was nice because we were the only ones there and we played with both horses and just relaxed. It is nice not to have to clean there stalls and have time to just play with them.

We are all in a hurry for the temperatures to be more spring like, it's tough going from one extreme or another especially after such a long cold winter. I hope to be shaving the ponies and the dog coats soon and be able to do little jobs outside around the yard.

I am hoping when the warm weather comes that things will get a little brighter and I will find a way to keep us all going. I'm proud of Kylie, she has grown up more the past few months and is happy with having more responsibility. She took her assessments for the career center this week for the engineering class, I think she did well and it is good for her to have something to think about and work towards. 

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The week of discouragement

By the end of Sunday I was pretty tired and I didn't feel to energetic Monday either. I went to try out working for a road assistance company and managed to open car doors, the jump start was easy but changing the tire was difficult for me. The job requires speed and I know it would take me awhile to do any of it fast which presents a problem.

I got my ear chewed by my sister Monday night over an issue with my dad. I didn't want to subject myself to anymore of his abusive behavior and she thought I should just take it. I have pretty much cut all ties with my dad because he is a very unhealthy person to have contact with, there's noway around it. My sister likes to keep him happy for her own purposes and I just can't bring myself to play the game. It still leaves me with bad feelings because my sister tried to make me feel like a bad person. It is something that will bother me for awhile and then it will go away.

Today was a day of collection companies calling, that is the other side of being unemployed, wanting to pay your bills but not being able to, going without groceries to keep the utilities on and worrying about the animals that are part of your family and how long before you can't take care of them.

I would have to say that my energy level so far this week is at a very low ebb. I have applied for jobs and I still cruise the internet and try networking but I am feeling pretty low. It cold be too that the cold and snow has got me down. Thankfully it will warm up in a day or too and hopefully I'll feel more energetic. 

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Puppy sitting

I am taking care of a sweet little dog over the weekend, he is the most well behaved little guy I've ever boarded. Frosty is a little dog and my dogs are all bigger than him, they have been watching over him when I let him out for some exercise and socialization. Daniel is very vigilant about laying down next to him and keeping watch over him.

Kylie went to work this morning and handled everything by herself today. I am very proud of her and she is making plans for saving money and doing some things for Aubrey, he will have to have his teeth floated and she plans on paying for it.

It's been a quiet day, I guess because it's colder and cloudier I have just wanted to sit around more, it does get on my nerves not doing something all of the time but really I need to do something else besides chores and taking care of everything, I have to learn it is okay to just sit and watch some TV or something.

I saw some flowers coming up outside and although the grass is still brown there are plenty of birds out that weren't here a few weeks ago. The horses have started shedding their coats, I brushed Cody out yesterday and he has lots of fuzzes left but it is starting to brush out. He was outside earlier and had rolled and was nice and dirty.

It won't be long before I'll be shaving the ponies and Daniel and cutting grass again. The mower is riding pretty rough, I was going to get it fixed but don't have the money now, just hope it keeps running till I can do better. Nana is yelling as she usually does this time of day, I love her but she can really break someone's concentration. When it gets totally dark she'll go to sleep unless she thinks there's food and then she'll wake up and come down and beg for it.

My lovely family of animals and Kylie, it is never dull and sometimes a little overwhelming. I can't imagine it being any different even when Nana is screaming. 

Thursday, March 20, 2014

A new life again

It's been almost three months since being laid off, I've had panic attacks, depression, ups and downs thinking about what am I going to do to keep us going. I applied for some help with the utilities and received some, I have applied for several jobs a day and still nothing and I even went on an interview last week for doing road side assistance.

I will probably be able to work part-time for the road side assistance company, I am going out next week with the driver to see if it is something I will be able to do. All of my transcripts are in so the enrollment is pretty much complete and I will start my courses in computer science to change careers next month. In the meantime I have advertised for pet sitting and  dog care in my home. I have gotten some interest and will take on the jobs when I find them for extra cash.

Kylie got her temps yesterday and I will be working with her to get her used to driving a stick shift and then getting her license. It will help if she is able to drive sometimes and especially when she goes to the career center next year.

The old pick up still hasn't sold, I can only sell it for parts but the engine has less than 50,000 miles. So it goes, working at different things to keep us going as long as I can. I can't think past the end of the month or I'll loose my mind. 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Cold again, the search continues

We had a couple of days of warm weather and today it was really cold again, cold enough to put the horses blankets on for the night. Next week is supposed to warmer and I am looking forward to it. This week Kylie had testing and we went to Aldi's which I haven't shopped at for awhile but it was a relief because I could get groceries cheaply. We don't spend a ton of money on food because it is just the two of us but things are getting tough now, every penny counts.

Next week Kylie will try and get her temporary driving permit which will be fun because she is going to have to learn to drive a five speed. She did really well at her job this weekend and because she looks older she had a young man give her his phone number which totally shocked her. We talked about it and I think it will probably happen again and it is a good time for Kylie to learn how to handle situations because it is part of a woman's life.

Kylie got her first paycheck and her friends ask her what she was going to buy, she is planning to save most of it but she will help with the expenses and spend a little of it. Kylie is a good money manager and not impulsive, Aubrey needs to have his teeth checked and floated and she is going to take care of that and the blacksmith. It is a help to me because I won't be able to pay for those things.

I might have a part-time job I will know next week. I have also decided to do some pet sitting/boarding since the vacation season will be coming and it is a good way to earn extra money and it is fun to meet new dogs. If I can keep enough irons in the fire until something comes through or I get a degree in IT maybe everything will work out.

I've had to live on faith before and so here I am again. I sometimes wish there were a shoulder to cry on or even a hug with someone saying it will all be okay. Even as old as I am now I still have a moment here and there that I want to be weak and wish there was someone to lean on, even for just a few moments. I guess that's when I am at my lowest. It's just me and Kylie and although I have friends I don't have much in family. Of course, there are my dogs and they work hard to comfort me, they know when I am feeling lonely and sad. All of my animals are loving and they are amusing, the dogs had a very long day waiting for us to get home, they are sleeping now like they ran a marathon .

I still miss Dusti, sometimes I see him as if he were still here, I suppose it is because he was so much a part of our lives for so long. Sometimes when I am really low I wish I could just hold him close, we went through lots of ups and downs over the years together and he was always steady, always good and always with me. Dusti had the softest ears, he loved to be pet and would sit with dignity while I smooched him on his head, he never licked you like other dogs, once in a great while he'd politely touch your hand with the tip of his tongue softly and only once.

Today was my mom's birthday and tomorrow is St. Patrick's day, when Kylie was little I'd always buy cupcakes to celebrate both, mom has been gone now almost 14 years. It seems like only yesterday but when I look back, I sure have covered a lot of ground since then. My mom would have had a stroke if she'd known all the things I've done or had to do since she's been gone. I know she'd be bursting with pride over Kylie, even though mom was my adopted mom so we weren't blood relation, Kylie is so much like her it's unreal.

I started a nice fire and I am going to settle in with the dogs and sleep like I ran a marathon too.




Sunday, March 9, 2014

Being proud of a child

Kylie started her first job yesterday and I am very proud of her. I know that the first day of work is stressful and it changes things because it is a step in growing up. Kylie did very well and realized just how long eight hours can be but she kept busy and did a good job.

The idea of having a little money to buy things was inspiring to her, she'll be getting her drivers license soon too. My little girl is growing up fast.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Waiting is the hardest part

Still no job prospects and the financial noose is beginning to tighten. I had an appointment at the unemployment office and got some good information. I have perfected my resume and found a really good job search website for remote jobs.

I enrolled at Florida Tech to finish my Associates Degree in computer science, I am eligible for financial aid since I am unemployed. The mortgage business is dead and I decided to start working on a way to get into the IT job market, there are plenty of jobs out there. I don't want to be in a line of work anymore that is so unstable. I hope old dogs can be taught new tricks because I am jumping the career ship at a later stage in my life.

Kylie is starting her first job tomorrow, it is part-time and minimum wage but it will help her get money for her driver's license and things she will need for school next year. It's an easy job at a local little country store but it is perfect for a teenager.

Finally, warmer weather. It is easier to be hopeful when the sun comes out and things aren't so bleak looking outside.

I am trying not to go crazy with worry about what will happen and if I will be able to keep us going financially. I have to admit that I am growing tired of always struggling, this past  year was a decent year and I started feeling safe but here I am again, trying to survive without many resources at the moment.

I still miss Dusti, especially at bedtime, I miss holding him and waiting for him to come upstairs. While I am at home I try and spend some time during the day playing with the other dogs, you just never know how much time you have before something happens and I want to enjoy the time I have now because I won't have as much time when I find a job and going to school full-time.

All the horses are doing well, it was warm enough to take their blankets off. Their weight looks good and the ponies were running around in the warm sun today. Kylie rode Cody and Aubrey today, Cody is always ready, Aubrey needs work since she hasn't ridden him with it being so cold. I think Aubrey needs his teeth done, they have never been floated and his wolf teeth may have grown in which might cause discomfort with a bit in his mouth.

I am going to start letting Kylie practice driving with my little Toyota Corolla which is a five speed. She will need her license if she wants to go to the Career Center next year. I might have to commute and wouldn't be able to get her to school because the don't provide busing for the high school students.

Kylie is growing up, she's doing okay. I know I need to get a degree and get a good job for when her college years come I can help her. I am praying that God will open the doors and He will help me along this new journey.