Journaling

My Photo

Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Monday, July 27, 2015

A moment to be thankful

July we moved to the new place, we had to move in two weeks because of the landlord's schedule at the old house and we had to make it fit with the lady moving out of this house. It wasn't easy, I asked friends to help, they said they would but didn't show up because of the holiday weekend. Kylie and I and my brother Greg moved everything. 

I had to rent a truck twice, I rented a small trailer for the mower. We had to try and clean the old house and do what we could in the short time that we had. Kylie's 18th birthday fell right in the middle, I can't say it was much of a celebration. Moving got right down ugly with my landlord hitting me with everything he could even though we didn't have enough time to do everything. Plus, being laid off from a salaried job for a year and half didn't make it easy either. I had a sales job but didn't make enough to survive on, I had exactly three checks under me before we moved. 

By the time we were done I have to say that I didn't care about anything. What was supposed to be really happy just made me feel numb. To add to it anyone I have told about what my dad did for me seems to encourage nothing but resentment. I guess people can't be happy for others, never mind that I was abandoned by both my parents before I was a year old and nothing has come easy for me. 

The blessing is though is the animals are all together, they have a good place. Kylie is warming up to the place and she worked in the barn all weekend, it is safe here and we can eventually have more than just paycheck to paycheck to live on. The last five years have just burned me down to the ground with carrying the weight of trying to keep everyone together and survive, not to mention being destroyed financially twice in that time period. 

A few days ago I felt that this time my spirit was broken and I just felt numb but after some much needed sleep and rest and being surrounded by such beauty I am slowly recovering. The land and the trees here are beautiful and there is a constant peace and seclusion I need to heal my soul. 

I am slowly cutting down the overgrown pastures and the horses are emerging as they graze. I can see them from the back steps. I put a sliding bench seat between two beautiful maples that is just right outside the pasture to sit in the evening and just soak up the beauty of land and horses and the horizon. 

It will take an abundance of work to get things organized after the move and it will certainly take some serious labor to clear the pastures and grounds of weeds and overgrowth but I will chisel away at it and by fall it will be well groomed. 

The horses were out most of the day since the temperature came down and there was a nice breeze. I inherited several cats from the previous owner, two of them are maine coon and they are beautiful. All of the cats are outdoor cats and are all in good health except one elderly one. 

The old owner is an elderly lady and she comes every evening to feed them and check on them. I don't have the heart to not let her come or to give a way her cats. It is an extra responsibility but the world is so full of hard people, so unkind and selfish I am sick about it. I just know I don't want to be like people I've experienced, even if it is a small thing like letting an elderly lady spend time with her cats and caring for the cats themselves who were all drop offs, I want to do it because I have been blessed and also mistreated and I see things differently because of both. 

Work is going well and I will be earning overtime which is much needed. It will be a long time before I am able to catch up and pay everything off. I never thought that not only would my salvation come from God which isn't that hard to believe but also my father. I can only say that life is full of miracles, I can never say that things just happen by chance, no there is a kind and loving God. I can never doubt the existence of God. 

I have been through a war, or many wars really. I feel battered and beaten down but I pray every day for God to restore my strength and passion for life. When I pray I feel the answer is there is a time, like the bible says a time for many things, the cycles of life. This is a time for peace and healing and though I am low I will once again be lifted up. 

All of the animals have adjusted to the new environment, Nana our parrot was a little unsettled but now I can spend time with her and she seems to be reassured. The dogs are happy because they are with us no matter where that is, Tiger Lilly my cat that I brought with me seems to appreciate some cat company. Everyone is okay and the cats who I now have are pretty used to us.

Kylie is doing so well with her internship, she is practicing driving which I wish I were calmer about but it really is hard for me, I am too anxious and just want to faint in the truck. She has to get her license though and that is the only way, I have to just stick with it and let her learn. 

It is times like this when I wish she had a father around, someone who could help her learn to drive that wasn't as anxious as me. I've been there for her though for 18 years alone for the most part and I'll just have to go the distance. It is a shame that her dad can't see her now and know about all of her successes but I am not sure that he would see them as successes. He is a strange one and destructive without knowing. I know things are best as they are but I will be glad when the driving lessons are over. 

Everyone is sleeping, it's peaceful and safe. I am thankful, maybe not joyful but I am thankful. I just want to feel like we are safe and all the scary things are over for awhile. It is sort of like holding your breath until the threat is over and then being unable to breath. 

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Humidity is not my friend

Yesterday and today was very humid, I am slowly getting used to doing chores again in the heat. Today I worked hard on digging a stall mat out of one of the stalls at the barn that was buried under about a foot of packed manure that had been sitting probably for a year or two. We have three stalls cleaned and bedded for our horses but the base is clay, we are slowly digging out mats from the other stalls to place in the middle of each stall to prevent the pee spots from creating a pit in the middle of the stall. The whole stall doesn't need matted just where the pee is and we put crushed lime down first and then the mat and that way the stalls will stay level and we will use less sawdust.

The stuff I had to take off the top of the mat today was so heavy and it was like concrete almost but I got most of it off and tomorrow I'll pull the mat out and put into the pony's stall. Pony and Bit are not easy keepers and matting their stall is really important. Once I move over to the house the will all be out most of the time but for now they go out in the evenings for a couple of hours.

We got a round bale yesterday and that will last a long time with the grass they have to eat. They all look super and when I am able I am going to make them a "mud" place to roll in, best fly protection ever is mud and when it flakes off Cody who has a lot of white will be white as snow.

Everyone has the going out and coming in routine down now, I call and they come and go to the right stall doors and come in. Everyone is much calmer now and less worried about being separated.

Tomorrow Kylie starts her internship at Nasa, it is a big thing for her because she has one more year of high school and who knows what will happen next. It is certain she will be placed early and also she will probably get her college paid for. It is a relief to me because I really don't know how I could have helped her with college.

I am struggling now to get her something to drive, she will have to have something by the time school starts. I'd like an old truck for her but with my credit down the tubes from being laid off it will not be easy.

Another struggle a head of me is working out something on the lease we have now at this house and moving everything. I am going to have to ask for help moving the furniture and it won't be easy to find people to help. Sometimes as blessed as I know I am it is still a struggle to do so much alone. At least the horses are in and I have time to pack and move things other than furniture once the owner of the new house moves out at the end of the month. It of course would be easier with a truck but I'll just have to take it one day at a time.

I could use a small army to get the things done I need to but I don't think that is going to happen. I am still over joyed just seeing the horses safe and happy. I will just have faith that everything else will work itself out. Kylie will be 18 July 10th, all grown up and an exciting internship and she'll be paid for it too. It is a big help to have the career center and people she has met through her lab help her with her plans and career and of course she has worked very hard this year and has gotten straight A's and won in competitions too.

I guess I don't have any reason to complain, it is all good I just need to take it one day at a time. 

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Dry sawdust and getting back into the rhythm

The places we have had to board our horses bought cheap bulk sawdust, it was never seasoned and always looked damp. I always felt like they spent more money because they had to use more and the stalls were harder to clean. Of course I had a great source for kiln dry sawdust that was very reasonable at the old farm, I have to spend a little more now but I am sticking with the dryer sawdust, it makes such a difference and you use less. It always bothered me having damp looking sawdust for Cody to sleep in but it is all good now.

The first couple of days all the horses had some anxiety about letting them out and bringing them mainly because they didn't want to let each other out of their sight. Today was better, they came when called and went in a little calmer except for Cody who is still over anxious about where Pony and Bit are at all times. Cody truly missed them and both he and Aubrey have better dispositions.

As for me I am happy to be able to do the chores again in the same way I did them for years. I guess it is therapy for me and I certainly have more peace of mind and less guilt about having to board Cody out.

Driving to the barn yesterday morning I thought of the horses we boarded that crossed over to the other side, I felt a comfort in knowing I always carry their memory with me as I do my horse chores and watch my horses grazing in the pasture.

The dogs know something is up, they know things are being moved and changed and they are anxious when we get home from taking care of the horses. I just keep thinking soon we will all be together again.


Monday, June 8, 2015

Rebirth

Today was a memorable day for many reasons, since my last post I changed jobs. I found a job in May comparable to the job I had before I was laid off. After a year and a half of low paying jobs and unemployment I finally got a secure full time job with a salary and benefits. I can't even begin to describe how difficult the past few months have been and we were so close to loosing everything but we didn't.

Through the past few months my sister paid our rent and our bills and after many years of not really talking to my dad I invited him to Thanksgiving dinner. Dad came and then he asked me to go with some train shows with him and I did, he came at Christmas too. My sister after all these years told me everything about my dad and mom, their childhoods and how they were as parents before everything fell apart.

I grieved for both of my parents especially after finding out about their pain and suffering when they were children. Neither of my parents have been easy to love and really have done some pretty bad things to their own children, me included but I found comfort in understanding them better.

My dad has kidney cancer, it isn't moving very fast but over the past few months I have gotten much closer to him, I have went with him to the Cleveland Clinic and train shows. It makes me sad that we are now just bonding but as dad looks at his life he is trying to reach out to each of us. Dad also feels tremendously guilty for not helping me buy the farm which brings us to today.

My dad told me to find a property here at a certain price range with a horse barn, dad is frugal and I really didn't think I would find anything but after a couple of months I did, I hesitated to send him the listing but I did and he came up here to look at it. Dad actually loved the house which is small and the layout and the price. My dad put a bid on the house and it was accepted, he cashed in stocks and paid cash for it. Today the title transferred into his corporation's name. There is so much to say about this, none of my siblings ever thought dad would do something like this and I certainly didn't either.

For three long years I have grieved over the separation of my horses, the two little ones here and the big ones boarded out. Saturday that terrible grief ended, I moved them all into their own barn. It was obvious how much they had missed each other, they went out together and right now get very upset when they can't see each other. It will take time for them to feel secure but they are happy and although people don't think animals remember or have deep feelings of loss they do.

Soon I will be moving everyone over to the property which dad is going to lease to me and we once again will all be together and eventually I will recover financially. These last three years after loosing the farm has taken a heavy tole on me  and not having a decent income has been at times unbearable. I thought three months ago that finally it was over that it would all be lost and I had to give up.

Now comes the important part, I prayed and prayed for all these three years and the past few months. The last months I felt that God had turned away from me and the worst feeling is when you feel separated from God and that was the hardest to bare. Slowly I felt God move and you know when you think He is going to answer a prayer you don't really know how far He will go but honestly I think all of this falls under a true miracle. I have a hard time even putting into words what God has done for me.

We still have a long way to go to get financially caught up, the work here at this house outside to get it looking good and to get the other property cleaned up is just huge. The new property was owned by an elderly who let it all grow up but the barn is awesome and we have been working on it every day in order to get it ready for the horses. I can hardly imagine what moving will be like without a pickup truck or any hands to help but I have to just pray and take it day by day.

I am trying to be a help to my dad too and my sister who is dealing with many issues with the rest of my siblings and mother who all live in California. My brother in Phoenix is being treated for colon cancer and I am trying to reach out to him and be supportive.

My life once again has taken a sharp turn and soon the rebirth of Kindred Acres Farm will be a reality. I know that once again my life has been saved because without a farm, without all of us together I just felt my life slipping away. God even provided a little stream through the property, something I have wanted since I wanted a farm. I just still am in awe of it all.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Oh My

The week before Christmas was pretty dismal, I was down a bit which happens to people around the holidays. I had friends that tried to lift me up and by Christmas day I was better. A friend left some gift cards, cash and cookies at my door Christmas eve, a friend of Kylie's came and brought us each a present because there was no tree and no presents, he even brought the dogs some toys. I did manage to buy 3 dog toys at the dollar store and two people brought them treats. Kylie had gone to a friends Christmas party and so she did get a couple of gifts for Christmas. My brother brought food for me to cook and gave Kylie a little cash.

Christmas isn't about gifts or money or even a tree, I didn't feel bad about those things but I worry about my little family. I am working but the job is commission and the real estate market is the slowest during this time of the year which equals barely enough to keep the lights on and partial payments on everything else.

My dad came to dinner and behaved, offered to help and when I called him up yesterday he told me what a looser I was basically and that was that. I didn't take it too hard as I have had to deal with him many years and I no longer take to heart his berating.  My other friend came to dinner and I had a good visit with him.

Kylie was sick Christmas day, her hard drive crashed on her computer the day after Christmas so I guess that was the worst thing, I can't replace it and I so she is very depressed. She doesn't have much and loosing the computer was a big deal especially when she needs it for school.

I talked to Kylie's father who's life is up side down right now, there is nothing he is willing to do really and you know I get mad thinking she is a good person and has gotten straight A's at school and it counts for nothing. I hate asking for help because really a parent either cares or they don't but I try to ask for Kylie's sake. It is pointless to explain that it should be asked for but given because that is being a parent but oh well.

The weather was nice for December and thank goodness not too cold as that would stress us even more, we have a small supply of wood and propane. The animals are all okay, it's hard to not think about having to give them up, I have managed to avoid it this long but can only pray that things will get better after the holidays.

Today I seem to have more fight and drive and that is good, I will start the week out tomorrow with working on ideas and ways to increase my income and go from there. 

Monday, December 8, 2014

Parenthood

I really never had a very good example of a parent in my life as a child, my biological parents had six children and didn't feel any responsibility to any of us. We did not bring ourselves into this world and we weren't born adults so we all needed the same any newborn to adulthood person needs from their parents. My parents decided to abandon us all, I was the youngest. God planted me into another person's life who tried to provide some care to me, unfortunately she had her own issues and three grown children that resented me until her death and I have not seen them since her funeral, I was 36 years old. The only stable, unconditional love I knew as a child was from an adopted grandfather. He was stable, strong, protective and very sweet, he gave me all he could to help me survive the life I was born into, when I was 10 years old he passed away at 92.

I never realized what a child should have and what a child needed until I had a baby. When I knew I was going to have a baby from that moment on I was a parent, every decision I made about my health and my life was made with that thought in mind. It is the same even to today.

I stopped living for myself and never looked back, my life became the sole caregiver, the provider, and protector of my daughter. I was determined not to be like my parents or the caregivers I had endured as a child. I read books, I talk to counselors, I let my natural nurturing instincts guide me. It was very hard to do it and her father didn't make it any easier, the reason why was he never once thought about her, whatever he did or has ever done has to benefit him in someway, he himself did not have great parents and unfortunately he never recovered from it. I think of him as a lost soul now that Kylie is older, he doesn't have any real idea of what a parent is or that children are not pawns, chattels, or tools to manipulate others.

Children are helpless when they are born, they are at the world's mercy, they are brought into this world by grownups and we are responsible for them, when someone truly loves their child then they do things for the sake of love. A child does not run up a bill with a parent for receiving the care a parent is obligated to give and we are obligated.  We as parents owe our children love, food, shelter and all basic primary needs at the very least and over and above that a chance in life, education, anything that can help them to grow up, be independent, successful and most importantly, good people with good hearts and character.

It has been a long hard road without an extended family, no grandparents or aunts and uncles except my step brother Greg to help all these years. I've been all these things to the best of my ability to Kylie, I have always felt sad that in that respect she couldn't have had more.

This past year Kylie has gone without many things, she is strong and accepts it, she knows that whatever happens we go through it together as we always had. She has a bright future for school and college now with her tuition pretty much guaranteed. She will need a car which I have no way of getting for her but hopefully that will come when she starts her internship. I had such worry and guilt over how I would get her through college but God has provided.

It has also been hard not being able to share with family or her dad her accomplishments. I have tried to share them but it seems not to matter to him very much, he does not share my pride in her. Over the years there have been many people and children Kylie's dad has given money to, bought things for because of horses, because he had an agenda and I feel he has been used and used others.

It saddens me to know that Kylie has been passed over by her dad, that she hasn't been loved for who she is and punished for not earning or doing things in order to receive what a parent should naturally do. In fact, Kylie has said many times, I wish I could have things but I don't feel right about using my dad. She knows she could do what he wants and go along with things as other people have and get things and money from him but in her heart she knows that is wrong.

The truly sad thing is that love, to be truly loved and cherished by her dad would mean more than anything to Kylie. She has been hurt and disappointed many times by him and so she is not willing to take another chance because she can't endure being hurt again. She also wants to be loved as she is for the sake of love, it is a tragedy when someone feels they must earn love instead of receiving it as a gift.

I will never fully understand parents who withhold their love, leave their children or fail to put them first. My own is included in that puzzle, it is like some people are born with something lacking or void in their souls that they can't capture and they never realize how they destroy children instead of completing the gift of life to them after they are physically born. Children who have suffered abandonment or are unwanted start dying inside from the moment they are born a little each day, some manage to press on and make the best of it like myself and some are consumed by it to point where they no longer want themselves.

If there is one thing that I feel I did to help Kylie it is that I wanted her, I wanted her from the very moment I knew of her. I love her very much as she is and what she has given me in return is her love which I needed very much. When Kylie was born and I held her for the first time she grabbed my finger and held it and looked right into my eyes and that was the first time I had a flesh and blood bond with another human being.

I'm tired tonight with worry about making it and keeping it all going but writing my feelings down and realizing how grateful I am for the privilege of being a mother it all feels better now.  

Sunday, December 7, 2014

The Holidays

I have fallen behind on updating my blog, today is a good day to write about the past month or so. My job is a great job but I have not taken any loan applications. I have been busy networking and talking to people but it takes time to make the connections and this is the time of year when things slow down. With that said, my employer is very supportive and understanding of the situation, I was apprehensive at first going into sales but now I know I love it because I am out and about meeting different people and learning about them. I am the president of the Working Women's Connection in Montrose which I have never experienced before but the cool part of it is that I meet interesting and independent business women, I kind of feel at home. I also have made connections with the Medina County Chamber of Commerce and I also go to open houses and get to see amazing houses. I meet people at breakfasts and at lunch and evening meetings at different venues. Different situations arise where I can help people and they can help me. I am not tied down to a desk all day which I hate and has caused me health problems and extreme stress.

If I can continue what I am doing till spring, I should start getting referrals and things will look a lot better. I am paid a small salary so it's been very difficult but once I start earning commission we will be okay. It will be one year at the end of December since I was laid off and it has not been easy, I have fallen behind on everything and am still behind but am holding on.

This Thanksgiving was surprisingly pleasant. My brother bought the food for me to cook and although it was a simple meal it all turned out as I had planned. I invited my father to dinner because although he is very difficult to tolerate and has not been kind to me, he is very old now and I figured he'd spend it alone so I asked him and he came. I also asked a friend who had no place to live for the moment and has had a terrible year and was very depressed and he came as well. My friend is a little different but hilarious and very outgoing. Between my brother and my friend my father talked about many things that were all interesting and he wasn't able to say hurtful things to me. We all had a good meal and some laughter and most importantly peace and a couple of people ate well at least for one day.

Now comes Christmas, there will not be any presents under the tree this year but it is not troubling to myself or Kylie. The day has been ruined by materialism and commercialism anyway. The truly beautiful thing for this Christmas is that although we and the animals have suffered and done without this year we are all still together. I have managed to feed them all and keep a roof over out heads in spite of not having an income at all some months.

I have prayed and begged my way through the year, milked goats, helped worm sheep, tried grooming, worked on contract jobs, sold jewelry and anything else I could think of to keep us going. Uncle Gregg and my sister paid things that I couldn't or bought us food. Generous friends have given money through online sites that facilitate donations. I have fought with the county and the state for what benefits we qualified for all to survive. It all took its tole on me emotionally but I am trying to pull myself mentally out of it.

These past few weeks I have had nightmares about my childhood. The interesting thing is I had not thought about the things that happened to me that were very painful in years. I had pushed them down as far as blocking them from my memory all together. When I experienced each dream I felt the feelings I had experienced so long ago as if they had just happened. It was a good thing because I was unaware of their effect on me even now. I have been able to confront those feelings and experiences now as an adult instead of as a child and it has helped me release them. I feel I am beginning to heal and change my internal thoughts to see myself as I am and not how I learned to see myself through the people that abused me as a child. It feels good to be free from those things little by little.

I can't help thinking that God has lead me down this road for a reason, one of them is to free me from the thoughts and experiences that I have carried all of these years that have imprisoned me and kept me from liking myself or being free to be happy.

This winter will be tough for us, thankfully Kylie is doing well in school and has a great future. I am trying very hard to learn to value myself and somehow we've all managed to keep going. I have also learned some things about some of the people in my past that make me realize how fortunate I am and to pray more for them. So many people need prayers and it is good to pray for others and think of others regardless of your own trials.