Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Growing up in WV

We live near railroad tracks and sometimes when the trains go through and blow there whistles it reminds me of my childhood. I grew up in WV in a trailer park which I hated next to the railroad tracks and past them was the Ohio river, all within close proximity.

The neighborhood consisted of old row houses no bigger than garages that were partially on the street and then their was a straight drop and the rest of the house was below, still not much bigger than a one car garage. The drop off was a whole in the ground the size of a city block, it had been their for a long time because there were old growth trees growing there. There was a burial mound in the middle of town and everyone always thought that is where the soil was taken from and I don't know how true that really is.

At night you could hear the train and in the early morning the conductor would really sound off the whistle. Once every year or so an old coal burning engine would go down the tracks and you knew it because it sounded different with the swishing sound of the arms turning the wheels and you could see the blast of the coal coming out the top.

There was an old abandoned 2 man railroad cart sitting close to the tracks I used to play on and my mom always warned to watch out for snakes because it had weeds growing through it. When I was really small the old depot was within walking distance, it had an old coke machine with bottles and an old telegraph machine. I can remember looking in the building and was fascinated with mysterious looking old machines.

The river was big, I spent time there as a young girl by the river just listening to the water splash against the banks and day dreaming while the sun sparkled across the body of water. Tugs and barges were seen every day and down the river a ways was a big bend, you'd see the barges make the turn and disappear.

Once and awhile you'd hear what sounded like carnival music coming from a river boat, at the time it was the Delta Queen with her big paddle splashing along, I always wondered what she was like to ride.  She was pretty to watch going down the river

A few blocks down there was the old co-op and my grandfather and I would go down and get the things he needed to grow his garden. I loved the smell and the looks of things. Grandfather made sure I had a my size shovel and hoe but they weren't toys they were solid tools that I could really use.

The flat land the river bed land is rich for gardens, all the soot and soil from run off are deposited there. My grandfather had a huge garden by the river as most of the men did. They had shacks to sit in out of the sun and rows of carpet and things similar to walk down the rows of gardens without stepping on the plants,

We grew potatoes and pole beans in rows as well as other things. I remember the beans and the potatoes because they were planted as mounds of dirt and I hoed stuff right along side my grandfather and picked the beans on my hands and knees.

Grandpa would always on social security day walk me down to the little coke machine and treat me to a bottle of coke and he gave me two dollars every month. That was a lot of money as poor as we were, he made me feel safe and special.

Sometimes we'd go for car rides down through the hills by the river, the hillside was cut away and every so often out of the layers of rock their'd be spring water coming out, people would stop with milk jugs and fill them with that water.

We always had a feast for Easter, my mother canned and cooked three meals a day everyday and cooked extra on holiday's. There wasn't enough money for Easter Bunny things if any at all but my grandfather always said grace every time he ate a meal and they were wonderful prayers. It was enough and it is nice to think of those things today as hopefully people will take the day to be with family and remember Jesus, and be thankful. 

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Pasture someday







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Home

It's a nice place


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Coming full circle

Today is what everyone prayed for, sunshine and warmth. The grass is starting to reveal little shoots of green, some plants have sprouted and trees. The strawberry patch has new life in it as well. The dogs played outside, the ponies coats came off and the ground is a little dryer.

I rested this morning and then Kylie and I got dressed and went to the tack shop. I spent a little bit of money to make Cody's life easier. Cody has had the same bit and bridle for as long as I've had him. Yesterday when we road him he seemed so uncomfortable and his bridle was a poor fit.

I didn't buy an expensive bridle but one that had more room and is very soft and east to buckle and unbuckle, I took the full cheek snaffle off of him for good. Cody now has a small loose ring snaffle with a copper piece in the middle so it is a two break instead of one. We tried it on Aubrey and he hated it but Cody was very comfortable with both the softer bridle and bit.

Kylie rode Aubrey and then Cody. We exercised them both. Cody has been waiting a long time to get the attention he deserves, he loves Kylie and is excited when she too does things with him. Cody is of the age where he is very quiet and calm making it easier for a rider to just think about riding and building confidence.

Being a single mom all of these years and working to survive, not really having a chance to spend time with my horse, it is finally time to return to when I did and building that relationship again. Cody and Aubrey are very close now and that is good for them both. They will do well on trail together.

I'm happy to see the horses and Kylie happy again. Kylie missed riding and with barn being quiet and having time to do whatever she wants it is a new beginning.

I saw a lot of trucks going down the roads with hay stacked on them, it's been a tough winter with not having a reasonable price for hay. People were out on motorcycles, ATVs, tractors and generally enjoying the day while it lasts.

It was good to come home this afternoon and just relax too. I'm tired but it's a good tired.

Tomorrow I'll cook a little dinner and do more of the same, we'll take some conditioner down and brush the horses, spend some time with the ponies here and enjoy the day. 

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Melancholy

The past two days I felt a little negative. You can't be up all of the time, I was partially very tired and went to bed early last night. Today, it's the gray and the cold. Tomorrow is Friday and then Easter weekend which I really am not prepared for. When kids are small you think more about the holidays.

Easter is an important holiday because of Christ. It's hard to stay focused on the true meaning of special holidays in our culture sometimes. Halloween seems like the biggest holiday of the year now, it used to be simple when I was a kid and Christmas was much less material.

I hope with warmer days ahead and sunshine I'll feel more up beat. I know everyone is feeling the same right now just been a long winter it seems even though it was mild.

I think I'll go to bed early again tonight, it is at least good sleeping weather. 

Monday, March 25, 2013

Dusti loves to roll in the snow




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Ready for a nap since this morning

I knew the snow was coming, I rationalized it last night that it would just be a passing thing and it would warm up quick. This morning as I hate to admit was beautiful and glittery but then the gloom and cold sunk in.

I wanted to lay around and nap all day, of course I had work and things to do around the house. Kylie and I went to pick up some juice and some necessities after work and now I am feeling sleepy. Everyone is sleepy it seems today.

I did have the pleasure of bringing a snowball into the house and chasing Kylie with it. I also signed her up for a teenage writer's guild meeting. I am making her get out and participate in things and insisting that she try things she has natural talent for so that she can better decide later what she wants to go to college for.

Soon I will go to bed and hope for warmer days, I am glad that kids got a snow day though since there weren't many this year. Not sure what we will do for Easter this year, it just doesn't seem like Easter should be here, I suppose it's because it feels wintry instead.  

Mission accomplished

Four dogs got pedicures tonight, they got their feet fuzzes trimmed and their nails trimmed. Dusti got up on the grooming table and laid down and stuck his paws out for the clippers, scissors, nail trimmers and the Dremel.

Next came Daniel who stood on the table and lifted each paw up for me for the same routine. Micah jumped up on the table and tolerated the nail trimmers and dremel as he does not have toe and pad fuzz like the golderns.

Lastly, Cooper was caught and put on the table, he tries to sneak away when he sees it coming. He got the works and reluctantly stood and let me do it. After that since Cooper has a frizzy butt he got brushed out and now has a fancy butt, he is very proud of it.

Dusti is a senior golden and he has some week hips, they sometimes shake pretty bad but he still is able to get up on the couch and do stairs. It takes Dusti longer to get around and he sleeps more. I don't worry when I groom him or his feet about perfection, I do what he is comfortable with and whatever makes him feel better. If his feet aren't shaped up perfectly because it is hard to hold up his back feet I don't worry about it as long as I get the nails done, they don't wear down much anymore because of his mobility. I see that a lot in senior dogs where their nails aren't attended to as they should be. Sanding the nails down may seem more dramatic for a dog but when they learn that it doesn't hurt they are calm about it.

I never hit the quick on my dogs with cutting their nails, I always cut them carefully and then sand them down, that way they will not be hurt. Cooper is the only one that will not tolerate the Dremel. Cooper is a Sheltie and a little more high strung, he has white nails though so I can cut them pretty short since I can see the quick.

So, less clicking on the floor tonight, and a fancy butt to boot. 

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Disgruntled dogs

Today it is cold again and the house felt chilly except the fireplace room which is part of the open concept dining room kitchen and it's on the mid level (this is a split level), We haven't found more furniture yet to fill in the spaces of a family room and the living room with the fireplace yet. It will be awhile till we can get some gently used furniture and I decided to make the best of the situation and move the big chair and ottoman up to the level where the fireplace is.

There is sort of a bay window in the room and the room is bright with natural light and it is snug and warm with the fire going. A perfect place to sit and wrap yarn around a little loom with my feet up just relaxing.  Too bad that only one dog will fit in the chair with me and that I am focused on the yarn and not the dogs.

I got standing stares, sniffing, and sad forlorn looks from all of the dogs at different times, Cooper looked at the ball of yarn with disgust and even thought about taking it. I moved down to the couch and turned the TV on where I was immediately joined by all the dogs. Micah did decide that if it was good enough for me maybe he would take a nap in the chair by the fireplace since I had vacated it. I am still in eyesight though.

I think this evening I will really focus in on the dogs, trimming and dremelling their nails as well as trimming their feet fur. I am sure they will really appreciate that kind of special attention. 

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I'm jealous of me

The weather was a nice surprise today, too bad it is going to snow a bunch tomorrow but I'll whine about that tomorrow. We got up and got moving this morning, I started by cleaning out the fire place while the sun was out and the house was warm. I left a bed of hot embers and we cranked up the fire right away.

For the first time in a long time I went to the square in Medina, there is a little jewelry shop that gives lessons in wire wrapping. Kylie needs to get out of the house and have a release for all of her artistic energy. Since she earned some money watching a dog she had a little cash to sign up for a class.

Next I went and talked to the pottery place and asked if she made some things out of clay here at home would they fire it for her. They also have classes learning to use a pottery wheel which she can sign up for next.

I stopped by my friends shop and she was out at a liquidation sale and stumbled on a vintage shop that sells many vintage hats, jewelry purses etc. I happen to have some very old hats that my grandmother made, she happened to be a hat maker, I'd like to keep one or two but I know that someone would appreciate them if they collected and it would be great to share them with someone that can appreciate them.

We got tired of walking around and came home and stoked the fire, let the dogs out and went to the barn. No one was there and we played with Cody and Aubrey and then Kylie rode Cody bareback and then with her English saddle, I climbed up and rode Cody in the English saddle too. The saddle is so comfortable and since I am so used to Cody I was very secure. Cody was so sweet he loves Kylie and he lowered his head and waited for the bridle and he complied with Kylie's requests as she rode with flexibility and even some eagerness. Kylie needs to build her confidence again to start working with Aubrey and with regaining her seat she can then concentrate on Aubrey and finishing him.

Aubrey is much taller than Cody now and he is still growing. He is very leggy, Cody and him have bonded a great deal and that is good, hopefully we will trail ride them this summer together. Even if we don't just the fact that we were able to spend quality time with them both is priceless.

We came home and I chopped up a turnip, fresh garlic, fresh spinach, parsley and some other green herbs, green onions, mushrooms and sauteed them in butter and a touch of bacon grease. I put small pieces of beef in the crock pot with a little olive oil and a small amount of Worcestershire sauce and let it warm up, then I poured the other ingredients in the pot.  It taste so good all simmering together, it turned out better than I could have expected.

While the little dinner cooked I broke out a little knitting loom I have and started to make a scarf with some pretty yarn I found. Spinning and working with fiber is therapy for me, I eat less and it's a great way to harness the anxiety that causes me to smoke.

At the end of the day I thought well what bad thing is going to happen, Kylie is happier than she has been in months, I really enjoyed things in my life I haven't in a very long time, surely there would be a price. I expect I will have these kinds of thoughts for a long time, pleasure of any kind has always come with a high price. I have worked so hard for so many years to survive that I really don't know how to cope with life as it is now.

Of course life is that way, we don't have any real control over anything, what is today may not be tomorrow but God is always good and that does not change. Hopefully the good Lord will continue his blessings and maybe I will learn that it is okay to be in a good place for as long as it lasts.




My children




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Friday, March 22, 2013

Going green

Now that I am home most of the time I have time to cook wholesome food. Today I went to Giant Eagle and bought some quality produce for a nice healthy stew with plenty of green veggies and fresh herbs. I am feeling better with the healthier food choices and cutting pop out of my diet, I am even taking vitamins.

Now if the weather would cooperate maybe I will be able to feel healthier without the stress of the last couple of years along with actually trying to take better care of myself. It is good for Kylie to eat better but she is that age where she doesn't always want to eat and maybe not eat basic good food.

Daniel is not feeling good today, his ear is bothering him which I cleaned and have given him some medicine for but he just seem like himself. I am hoping he will feel better tomorrow.

Everyone else is doing good, spring has started for Nana, she is more hormonal right now. Birds having mating seasons and of course she is a hen and would want to mate and lay eggs. She is trying to be a real hussy with some items in her cage.

I'm really glad it's the weekend I worked hard this week and it's mentally taxing, the end of the month is coming and it is always crazy in my business during this time. 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

As the wind howls

Cold, very cold and the wind howls outside which makes it even colder. I checked the weather and it's clouds and cold for the rest of the week. Despite the cold and grey weather outside I felt better and tried to get things done. I made a nice stew and cleaned some ashes out of the fireplace. Did my work online and went to see the horses.

Our neighbor has ducks and they decided to lay their eggs under one of our pine trees so John came over to collect them. They don't want more ducks so they will use the eggs for cooking. The pine tree is inside the electric fence so we pulled the plug while he got the eggs.

The ducks are fun to watch and their are chickens across the street. One day I was pulling out of the driveway and it had been raining for quiet some time, there was a pool of water in front of the hen house and so there was a lone chicken standing at the door of the hen house looking forlorn. I would have liked to snap a picture of it, it had rained so much that he ground was saturated and without long boots it wasn't fit for chicken nor human to walk around.


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Biscuit Burgalur

Today was one of those days when things just wen't wrong from the start. Last night I woke up and puked so I am not sure if I had a 24 hour bug. Kylie got up this  morning and made biscuits then went to let the ponies out and when she came back she asked me why I ate them all. Well it turns out Micah went counter surfing, he has looked guilty all day long.

We ended up having to get firewood this afternoon and I backed the truck out and caught the mirror and smashed it. I am usually really good at negotiating space but I wasn't paying attention like I should so it was just the mirror not the whole thing that got busted. It happens...

Next, the ponies got into the dry shredded beet pulp but we caught them before they ate much of it and then they got into the bucket (with a lid) and ate all of the soaked beet pulp. We checked them tonight and they seem to be okay, it was shredded and doesn't absorb much water and beet pulp is safe for horses in general. They didn't get their late night snack though and were bummed, we figured they'd had enough today.

So, the cold snowy day ended with a few bumps but nothing too terrible. I used to have some pretty bad days so this I can live with. We have some very special animal personalities around here and it really is never dull.

I am hoping I am not feeling sick tomorrow, that there is a little sunshine and that the ponies and Micah  don't end up on the naughty list again.



Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Cold and the wind

Litchfield is windy, so much more being so flat, and the wind is cold. The sun is now peeping out just before it goes down. The waiting is the hardest part, the warm months. I am not buying anymore propane, we will just burn wood till the weather gets warmer.


Monday, March 18, 2013

Ice in the A.M.

There was a nice icy rain this morning and the patio was slicker than snot. I still have to start work by 8 a.m but I don't have to drive 36 miles one way to get to work. Thank you Lord for helping find a good job without the terrible commute in dangerous weather.

No one felt real up and spunky today. Nana didn't nag me for breakfast, the dogs where like rugs spread out all day and the horses were blah. It was pretty quiet and I was feeling it myself this morning but as the day wore on I got more energy.

That was it today just regular work and nothing exciting which is a good thing. I did talk to the IRS folks and I have some things to take care of with them and they were really nice on the phone and helpful. Eventually everything will get worked out slowly but surely.

I have to sit on myself to keep from worrying about things though, we wen't through so much and I still feel the panic sometimes. I pray about it and God helps me calm down.

It's hard to be calm I think when you are all alone, I have raised Kylie pretty much on my own and have supported us. I have to make the decisions alone and carry all of the responsibility. My parents are gone, I have a step brother that is around sometimes and a sister in California I talk to on the phone but we never knew each other growing up.

I have missed talking to my Mom all these years about Kylie, the things you like to share with a grandparent. I feel like if I really fell flat on my face there'd be no one to rescue me. I have God and I believe in Him but being human and alone sometimes He is so far away compared to a shoulder here to cry on.

But I only feel abandoned once and awhile and most of the time I feel I can deal with everything and be fine. Everyone has those moments I think where fear gets the best of them.

I have to remember to be in the moment and take the rest as it comes. It's not like I don't have plenty of distractions around here. 

Sunday, March 17, 2013

This and That's

Today I am off and getting little things done that have been on my list. With so many animals in my life there is sometimes a real long list.

First, seeing the horses that are boarded, then getting a couple of bales of hay for our little guys and some beet pulp for them as they need some extra to eat they are getting to skinny. The shouldn't have grain because pony has had mild founder and may have a metabolism issue so hay and beet pulp are a safe way to increase his ration. Little bit is just right, he is a mini and we keep him a good weight and he looks great, mini's shouldn't be overweight as many of them are.

Theodore bunny got his coat groomed and mats removed, it is not a quick job for french angora bunnies. Angora fur is so soft and silky and thick it is a tedious job sometimes. Bunnies have very thin skin so you have to be careful with brushes that have sharp bristles, scissors, and clippers. Lucky for bunny I have all the grooming tools and am very precise. Theodore is very happy being brushed and just lays on my table and lets me do whatever to his coat.

I took my air compressor and blew out my laptop keyboard that had some really gross stuff in it and I blew the dirt out of the delicate tooled leather on my saddle. I have to get some conditioner to really do the job right.

I am taking a break and then it's water dishes for the birds and dumping old food in their food dishes. Birds waste a lot and there is always leftover seed shells too.

Lowkie almost got eaten last might by the little black lab we are watching for a friend. The other dogs don't pay any attention to the parrots and Lowkie always sits on top of his cage and we never lock him up. He is a rescue who was locked up 24/7 for years and he has a bum wing and can't fly if only a couple of feet. He never comes off his cage but last night he ended up on the floor and got caught by the lab for a moment. He is fine just some dog spit on his wing but we took the extra precaution of locking up till the little dog goes home.

The sun has decided to shine this evening which is always welcome, I am really down with the grey days, it just has really depressed me at times.

The garage is nice to work in but there are somethings better done outside and when it's not raining, a real challenge this year for everyone.

Driving back from the barn Kylie who is 15 1/2 had a long conversation about the human footprint on the environment and how she hates what people do to it. The earth has quiet a burden with all of the people and cars and waste there's no doubt. Most people are not conscious of what can be done to take better care of the environment.

Population keeps growing and that is a strain too. Nothing can be done about most of these issues but I am glad Kylie thinks about the bigger picture. We are blessed to be surrounded by farms and open spaces, she hasn't experienced the density of the city much, now there's a place where the environment takes a real hit.

I'll have to clean out the fireplace tonight as cold weather is still coming and the fire keeps us warm without so much propane. I wish I could afford solar panels and things to generate energy without using fossil fuels etc. The upfront cost is too high right now.

Well here's thinking about spring coming, better hay prices, and birds and flowers. A warm day would be nice and some dry weather. 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Tom Fuller y here at home




Barn buddies

 Cody likes to nip at cats, we were standing by to make sure he behaved. Aubrey, on the other hand, really loves cats as is evident below. He loves to interact with them and they will show affection towards him.

Barns and their inhabitants are always interesting.








Micah enjoys my pillow and blanket..... he's a bed hog


I work from home now and my bedroom is catercorner to my office. Daniel is always true blue and sleeps by my feet as I work. Other dogs sleep in my bed and are still able to watch me.

Micah decided to take a nice nap this morning while I worked. I thought it was cute to take a picture and as you can see by the big yawn, he wasn't disturbed enough to get up.

Micah is always the first one to get in bed at night and plants himself on my pillow waiting for a snuggle.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Curse the dang rain

Not much more to say than it's a soggy mess outside, back on with the horses coats and waiting for another warm day to come, sometime...;. next year maybe. 

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Thanks Lord for a beautiful day

The weather is so wonderful today. Kylie and I went to the barn and took the horse blankets off and ran the horses around a little, we also built Cody's stall up because it had a bad dip. Traci the owner and I pitched in together and filled wheel barrows with gravel and put the mats on top.

Cody has a nice stall right next to the sliding door and he likes to watch outside and especially when the kids are playing. There's chickens, and ducks and geese. Some cows and mini's, barn cats, and a couple of dogs. What fun.

We came home and made dinner and then we played outside with the dogs and walked the little ponies out into the field which someday will be a swell pasture.

It's a little muddy but not bad and the breeze was warm and fresh. This will be the first spring in this home. I have to figure out what to do about the sunroom and the birds, it is a nice place for them but I hate the idea of taking Nana's big cage apart again and moving it.

The garage is the last thing to clean up from the move, the hay and the wood. One of these nice days coming I'll open all three doors and clean it up good. Kylie wants a work table out there so she'll have to help clean it and organize it.

We live in alpaca country now, they are cute and tempting. I think outside of horses though I'd like to have a couple of miniature donkey's. I love the little things, so much personality. But I know the worst thing to do is bring more animals home, I love them all but the other's suffer when there are too many. I hope though someday we can find a pony cart for pony and Kylie, before she gets too old to make those kinds of memories,

Yes today was indeed good, the long and gray months gone soon I hope. Of course there are always the hot months, I hate those too but the evenings are nice and it's always windy here. Tomorrow is work but I'm not stressed about it. The sun shines into the window in my office and the view is nice. I have total peace and quiet to concentrate and my co-workers and I instant message all the time. The dogs of course have to surround my chair like covered wagons but they are a comfort.

Nana is totally spoiled now because she eats breakfast with me and is right beside the refrigerator. Nothing gets past that bird.

Here's to the warmer weather, may it last awhile. 

Friday, March 8, 2013

A splendid day

I let the little ponies out this morning, they are still wearing their coats but soon they won't have to. I worked my job and put macaroni and cheese in the oven, it was good. After work I shot down to the barn to help with stalls and chores. The sun was shining beautifully.

I helped with the stalls which were simple, played with Aubrey and Cody and fed them carrots. No drama, no dealing with obsessive boarders being completely out of line and neurotic, The place we board the two horses is owned by a nice family that does things very similar to the way we used to at our barn and they have the equipment to make the job easier. 

It's easy to work along side of people who kind of are in sync with your thoughts and ways. I gained an education working with and caring for horses and learned about them and about people too.

I learned what true friendship is and what it is not. I learned that sometimes a horses worst enemy is it's owner. I also learned a great deal from caring for dogs, all kinds of dogs, some with issues and some without. The owner's of dogs I believe are more sensible.

I learned that people that love animals often hate people and will use people and abuse them and wonder why the people in the world are so terrible. Really, to change the world you need to learn to love people and show them kindness even if they spit in your face if you can, ultimately, helping people helps animals. The tough part is that animals will accept the help and give in return, people aren't so evolved or gracious so it takes a better person to be kind to another person than to be kind to animals.

I've learned from my experiences with animals how to love and sacrifice, and to respect their goodness and pureness of heart. I've learned from their owner's to be kind and generous for my own sake and learn to know when to draw the line sometimes. I lost some human friends a long the way but I retained the ones who counted. I made a lot of animal friends though, I never lost any of them except to the good Lord. I have a treasure trove of dog and horse friends in my heart.

I recall the St. Bernard Ben who I went to get with a trainer that worked for a rescue. He was aggressive but very ill, so ill in fact that he couldn't even be vaccinated for a month he was so weak. Ben was only two years old and would have died had we not went and got him. Ben for some strange reason trusted me, he was very aggressive and protective of his family who couldn't care for him anymore. Ben could have bit me and I would have really been hurt but he didn't. Ben has a great home now and all his medical needs have been taken care of.

That's just one story and there are others. I made mistakes a long the way of course and went through some bad times but I don't regret the two years I got my education, of course I could have done without some of the people difficulties, I can say I've experienced shallow people up close and personal.

Now is the season to stop and enjoy my animals my close friends and my daughter. I took a shower when I got home from the barn, I'll watch some TV. It almost seems like a normal life. Yes, today was splendid, I hope to have more days like this.


Thursday, March 7, 2013

A nice visit from an old friend

Today it was work and a little house cleaning. An old friend stopped by this evening and it was a nice visit. She hadn't seen the house before and it was nice to show her around. We will be dog sitting for her for a week. My friend's dog is a girl and my four boys were all sweet gentlemen.

It was nice to have dinner here with a friend and an animal lover. Nana our parrot had to have pizza too and she was throwing a fit because she had to wait till our guest arrived to have some. Nana always knows when the food is ready and she has zero patience.

We had the fire going, the dogs got crust and Nana had her two pieces of crust and she finally settled down till she didn't like the fact that the sun had gone down and the lights where her cage is were still on. Nana is a high maintenance pet.

Afterwards, Kylie and I went to town to get rabbit food. The bunnies were throwing a fit too because they hadn't had dinner.

Now it's cold and snowing again, I am tired of the cold gray days, it seems like this is the longest winter I can remember. Gray melting into gray days on end, months. It's hard to be motivated to do anything this time of year.

I am hoping the spring is not to wet so that they hay will come on soon and prices will drop. It would be nice to be outside and not have to deal with mud everywhere.

Daylight savings is coming up and I will be happy to see the longer nights too. I keep reminding myself it will all be over in a month or so. I will attempt to have a small garden this year and hope to plant some roses.

I am tired of buying propane and firewood as well, lots of money and picking up and stacking wood. This summer I will stock up on wood and get the garage organized and we will be ready for winter.

Still, it's cold and damp and I am sleepy. I am learning to relax and pace myself more living here. I still miss the barn but being out from under so much stress is good, I still have a lot of debts to payoff but there's food on the table and Kylie and the animals don't have to suffer.

I hate not having Cody home but I know he's well taken care of and when I go see him I am spending time with him instead of working so hard at barn chores. There's time for me too, I am not good at taking care of myself, I am getting enough sleep now and eating better which is all good.

Kylie sometimes studies in my office here while I am doing my work and the dogs are all with me too. Life is funny, I didn't think I would survive last year and I still feel traumatized but here I am safe and am trying to break the habit of worry.

I am grateful for God's blessings, so many people don't believe anymore but God is real and He cares. Over the years all there has been sometimes is God, I know from experience His goodness. It's not because a person does great things or is particularly good. The bible says the sun shines on the good and the evil alike and that God will have mercy on who He pleases. I just know He's here with me always and it is as it pleases Him. His presence in my life pleases me. The older I get the more He is, I feel like He asks me is He enough, and I say yes Lord you are and looking around me it is true He has been enough for I am well cared for.

I sometimes question God on why he doesn't heal my biological family. It saddens me to think that they are so lost with drugs, alcohol, and mental illness. They also have strong metaphysical beliefs that they seem to think gives them control over their environment. It seems like a way to cope with life without relying on someone else, only what you believe you can do with metaphysical tools. I am not going to judge from a Christian standpoint and it being sin it's just that we as humans are limited. I am aware of the spiritual world and how it works and warfare but I am not afraid to give up control and believe in the power of God. I can turn it all over to him and say Father here it is, guide me and protect me.

I pray for my family and God to be with them in the best way He sees fit. I don't know if they would ever be healed and if they did that they would recognize God but they have my prayers and God has my faith, He sees what I cannot see and understands what I cannot know, perhaps that's best.

About this time at night, maybe a little earlier, the house is more quiet. The dogs have given up wondering where I might go next in the house, they all huddle and go to sleep, it's their bedtime. Nana is in her cage under a blanket at her highest perch getting her beauty rest, she loves to watch the sunrise and so she goes to bed early.

The other birds are sleeping too and I am ready to go to bed. A peaceful place that I will have to grasp my pillow and blanket quickly before a dog lands on them. The only noise will be dogs breaths in slumber and the room will be warm and cozy. These are the riches of my life.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Teetering on the edge

For awhile now I've been inwardly debating about changing certain habits that give me grief. It could be because I am friends with so many animal lovers on Facebook and of course some of my own conviction. The problem is slaughter and the excessive amounts of meat I believe we all eat.

As I get older I just hate thinking of the magnitude of animals slaughtered for food. What is even more a disgrace is the amount of food that is wasted in this country. Meat is as convenient as potato chips basically and taken for granted. You can have meat any time and you can just throw out what you don't eat. My problem with this is that a living creature lost it's life to feed people and it's life was taken for food and then is just thrown away.

Not so long ago you didn't eat meat unless you had the nerve to kill the animal yourself, seems just going to the store and buying meat divorces us from conscience what so ever.

As a meat eater which I may not be for much longer, I feel that if I tried eating other sources of food and only ate meat once a week and more fish etc. I'd be less of a consumer and maybe if everyone did that there would be less slaughter.

As an animal lover and having met domestic animals like cows, chickens and pigs I just know that they have feelings, that they have souls. I pray to God about it and I wish the world wasn't so cruel. That we as humans were more responsible for God's creatures and for the people that know real hunger. I pray that when someone thinks about wasting any type of food that think about others who are less fortunate, children and people that would be thankful for what we throw away.

This has been bothering me for awhile, I don't have all the answers but as I search my own heart I feel I need to do something.