Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Rebuilding life, dreams, Kindred Acres

Kindeed Acres is not so much a location but a combination of dreams and nurturing living things. I am now just starting to feel hope again after the last few years of struggling.  Financially it is still a struggle and will be so for a while because I have to dig us out slowly, being without much of an income for so long is difficult to recover from. No matter though because my life force has returned, I am on the land again and I am surrounded by my beloved creatures.

There is land to shape up into beautiful pasture, a barn to clean and organize so that is comfortable and functions optimally.  There are nights when the sky is so clear it is like standing in a theater of stars you could reach out and touch. Best of all, the living things here, wild turkeys with their little flock of babies,  deer, all manner of wildlife and my dogs, horses,  cats that came with the place and my two parrots.

There is a creek at the bottom of the driveway where animal come for water and thick wild berry bushes that when trimmed back will yield something good next year, the birds of course will help eat them.

I am excited to write again and maybe log another journey with pictures and stories about living. I am going to hang up my Kindred Acres Farm sign again to remind me of hopes and dreams and something to nurture within myself.

Monday, July 27, 2015

A moment to be thankful

July we moved to the new place, we had to move in two weeks because of the landlord's schedule at the old house and we had to make it fit with the lady moving out of this house. It wasn't easy, I asked friends to help, they said they would but didn't show up because of the holiday weekend. Kylie and I and my brother Greg moved everything. 

I had to rent a truck twice, I rented a small trailer for the mower. We had to try and clean the old house and do what we could in the short time that we had. Kylie's 18th birthday fell right in the middle, I can't say it was much of a celebration. Moving got right down ugly with my landlord hitting me with everything he could even though we didn't have enough time to do everything. Plus, being laid off from a salaried job for a year and half didn't make it easy either. I had a sales job but didn't make enough to survive on, I had exactly three checks under me before we moved. 

By the time we were done I have to say that I didn't care about anything. What was supposed to be really happy just made me feel numb. To add to it anyone I have told about what my dad did for me seems to encourage nothing but resentment. I guess people can't be happy for others, never mind that I was abandoned by both my parents before I was a year old and nothing has come easy for me. 

The blessing is though is the animals are all together, they have a good place. Kylie is warming up to the place and she worked in the barn all weekend, it is safe here and we can eventually have more than just paycheck to paycheck to live on. The last five years have just burned me down to the ground with carrying the weight of trying to keep everyone together and survive, not to mention being destroyed financially twice in that time period. 

A few days ago I felt that this time my spirit was broken and I just felt numb but after some much needed sleep and rest and being surrounded by such beauty I am slowly recovering. The land and the trees here are beautiful and there is a constant peace and seclusion I need to heal my soul. 

I am slowly cutting down the overgrown pastures and the horses are emerging as they graze. I can see them from the back steps. I put a sliding bench seat between two beautiful maples that is just right outside the pasture to sit in the evening and just soak up the beauty of land and horses and the horizon. 

It will take an abundance of work to get things organized after the move and it will certainly take some serious labor to clear the pastures and grounds of weeds and overgrowth but I will chisel away at it and by fall it will be well groomed. 

The horses were out most of the day since the temperature came down and there was a nice breeze. I inherited several cats from the previous owner, two of them are maine coon and they are beautiful. All of the cats are outdoor cats and are all in good health except one elderly one. 

The old owner is an elderly lady and she comes every evening to feed them and check on them. I don't have the heart to not let her come or to give a way her cats. It is an extra responsibility but the world is so full of hard people, so unkind and selfish I am sick about it. I just know I don't want to be like people I've experienced, even if it is a small thing like letting an elderly lady spend time with her cats and caring for the cats themselves who were all drop offs, I want to do it because I have been blessed and also mistreated and I see things differently because of both. 

Work is going well and I will be earning overtime which is much needed. It will be a long time before I am able to catch up and pay everything off. I never thought that not only would my salvation come from God which isn't that hard to believe but also my father. I can only say that life is full of miracles, I can never say that things just happen by chance, no there is a kind and loving God. I can never doubt the existence of God. 

I have been through a war, or many wars really. I feel battered and beaten down but I pray every day for God to restore my strength and passion for life. When I pray I feel the answer is there is a time, like the bible says a time for many things, the cycles of life. This is a time for peace and healing and though I am low I will once again be lifted up. 

All of the animals have adjusted to the new environment, Nana our parrot was a little unsettled but now I can spend time with her and she seems to be reassured. The dogs are happy because they are with us no matter where that is, Tiger Lilly my cat that I brought with me seems to appreciate some cat company. Everyone is okay and the cats who I now have are pretty used to us.

Kylie is doing so well with her internship, she is practicing driving which I wish I were calmer about but it really is hard for me, I am too anxious and just want to faint in the truck. She has to get her license though and that is the only way, I have to just stick with it and let her learn. 

It is times like this when I wish she had a father around, someone who could help her learn to drive that wasn't as anxious as me. I've been there for her though for 18 years alone for the most part and I'll just have to go the distance. It is a shame that her dad can't see her now and know about all of her successes but I am not sure that he would see them as successes. He is a strange one and destructive without knowing. I know things are best as they are but I will be glad when the driving lessons are over. 

Everyone is sleeping, it's peaceful and safe. I am thankful, maybe not joyful but I am thankful. I just want to feel like we are safe and all the scary things are over for awhile. It is sort of like holding your breath until the threat is over and then being unable to breath. 

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Humidity is not my friend

Yesterday and today was very humid, I am slowly getting used to doing chores again in the heat. Today I worked hard on digging a stall mat out of one of the stalls at the barn that was buried under about a foot of packed manure that had been sitting probably for a year or two. We have three stalls cleaned and bedded for our horses but the base is clay, we are slowly digging out mats from the other stalls to place in the middle of each stall to prevent the pee spots from creating a pit in the middle of the stall. The whole stall doesn't need matted just where the pee is and we put crushed lime down first and then the mat and that way the stalls will stay level and we will use less sawdust.

The stuff I had to take off the top of the mat today was so heavy and it was like concrete almost but I got most of it off and tomorrow I'll pull the mat out and put into the pony's stall. Pony and Bit are not easy keepers and matting their stall is really important. Once I move over to the house the will all be out most of the time but for now they go out in the evenings for a couple of hours.

We got a round bale yesterday and that will last a long time with the grass they have to eat. They all look super and when I am able I am going to make them a "mud" place to roll in, best fly protection ever is mud and when it flakes off Cody who has a lot of white will be white as snow.

Everyone has the going out and coming in routine down now, I call and they come and go to the right stall doors and come in. Everyone is much calmer now and less worried about being separated.

Tomorrow Kylie starts her internship at Nasa, it is a big thing for her because she has one more year of high school and who knows what will happen next. It is certain she will be placed early and also she will probably get her college paid for. It is a relief to me because I really don't know how I could have helped her with college.

I am struggling now to get her something to drive, she will have to have something by the time school starts. I'd like an old truck for her but with my credit down the tubes from being laid off it will not be easy.

Another struggle a head of me is working out something on the lease we have now at this house and moving everything. I am going to have to ask for help moving the furniture and it won't be easy to find people to help. Sometimes as blessed as I know I am it is still a struggle to do so much alone. At least the horses are in and I have time to pack and move things other than furniture once the owner of the new house moves out at the end of the month. It of course would be easier with a truck but I'll just have to take it one day at a time.

I could use a small army to get the things done I need to but I don't think that is going to happen. I am still over joyed just seeing the horses safe and happy. I will just have faith that everything else will work itself out. Kylie will be 18 July 10th, all grown up and an exciting internship and she'll be paid for it too. It is a big help to have the career center and people she has met through her lab help her with her plans and career and of course she has worked very hard this year and has gotten straight A's and won in competitions too.

I guess I don't have any reason to complain, it is all good I just need to take it one day at a time. 

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Dry sawdust and getting back into the rhythm

The places we have had to board our horses bought cheap bulk sawdust, it was never seasoned and always looked damp. I always felt like they spent more money because they had to use more and the stalls were harder to clean. Of course I had a great source for kiln dry sawdust that was very reasonable at the old farm, I have to spend a little more now but I am sticking with the dryer sawdust, it makes such a difference and you use less. It always bothered me having damp looking sawdust for Cody to sleep in but it is all good now.

The first couple of days all the horses had some anxiety about letting them out and bringing them mainly because they didn't want to let each other out of their sight. Today was better, they came when called and went in a little calmer except for Cody who is still over anxious about where Pony and Bit are at all times. Cody truly missed them and both he and Aubrey have better dispositions.

As for me I am happy to be able to do the chores again in the same way I did them for years. I guess it is therapy for me and I certainly have more peace of mind and less guilt about having to board Cody out.

Driving to the barn yesterday morning I thought of the horses we boarded that crossed over to the other side, I felt a comfort in knowing I always carry their memory with me as I do my horse chores and watch my horses grazing in the pasture.

The dogs know something is up, they know things are being moved and changed and they are anxious when we get home from taking care of the horses. I just keep thinking soon we will all be together again.


Monday, June 8, 2015

Rebirth

Today was a memorable day for many reasons, since my last post I changed jobs. I found a job in May comparable to the job I had before I was laid off. After a year and a half of low paying jobs and unemployment I finally got a secure full time job with a salary and benefits. I can't even begin to describe how difficult the past few months have been and we were so close to loosing everything but we didn't.

Through the past few months my sister paid our rent and our bills and after many years of not really talking to my dad I invited him to Thanksgiving dinner. Dad came and then he asked me to go with some train shows with him and I did, he came at Christmas too. My sister after all these years told me everything about my dad and mom, their childhoods and how they were as parents before everything fell apart.

I grieved for both of my parents especially after finding out about their pain and suffering when they were children. Neither of my parents have been easy to love and really have done some pretty bad things to their own children, me included but I found comfort in understanding them better.

My dad has kidney cancer, it isn't moving very fast but over the past few months I have gotten much closer to him, I have went with him to the Cleveland Clinic and train shows. It makes me sad that we are now just bonding but as dad looks at his life he is trying to reach out to each of us. Dad also feels tremendously guilty for not helping me buy the farm which brings us to today.

My dad told me to find a property here at a certain price range with a horse barn, dad is frugal and I really didn't think I would find anything but after a couple of months I did, I hesitated to send him the listing but I did and he came up here to look at it. Dad actually loved the house which is small and the layout and the price. My dad put a bid on the house and it was accepted, he cashed in stocks and paid cash for it. Today the title transferred into his corporation's name. There is so much to say about this, none of my siblings ever thought dad would do something like this and I certainly didn't either.

For three long years I have grieved over the separation of my horses, the two little ones here and the big ones boarded out. Saturday that terrible grief ended, I moved them all into their own barn. It was obvious how much they had missed each other, they went out together and right now get very upset when they can't see each other. It will take time for them to feel secure but they are happy and although people don't think animals remember or have deep feelings of loss they do.

Soon I will be moving everyone over to the property which dad is going to lease to me and we once again will all be together and eventually I will recover financially. These last three years after loosing the farm has taken a heavy tole on me  and not having a decent income has been at times unbearable. I thought three months ago that finally it was over that it would all be lost and I had to give up.

Now comes the important part, I prayed and prayed for all these three years and the past few months. The last months I felt that God had turned away from me and the worst feeling is when you feel separated from God and that was the hardest to bare. Slowly I felt God move and you know when you think He is going to answer a prayer you don't really know how far He will go but honestly I think all of this falls under a true miracle. I have a hard time even putting into words what God has done for me.

We still have a long way to go to get financially caught up, the work here at this house outside to get it looking good and to get the other property cleaned up is just huge. The new property was owned by an elderly who let it all grow up but the barn is awesome and we have been working on it every day in order to get it ready for the horses. I can hardly imagine what moving will be like without a pickup truck or any hands to help but I have to just pray and take it day by day.

I am trying to be a help to my dad too and my sister who is dealing with many issues with the rest of my siblings and mother who all live in California. My brother in Phoenix is being treated for colon cancer and I am trying to reach out to him and be supportive.

My life once again has taken a sharp turn and soon the rebirth of Kindred Acres Farm will be a reality. I know that once again my life has been saved because without a farm, without all of us together I just felt my life slipping away. God even provided a little stream through the property, something I have wanted since I wanted a farm. I just still am in awe of it all.