Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Sunday, March 13, 2016

So much has changed

I can't believe how long it's been since my last blog post until I decided to sign on today. I've been kept very busy with work and having all the horses home means extra work. To date I still feel that we haven't completely settled in, part of this is because I have been working full time and haven't had time to really work on getting things settled, the other reason is that up until recently I was much more involved with my dad and my siblings.

My dad passed away suddenly on February 1st, the months leading up to his death were spent becoming much closer than we had ever been. Dad was sick and he also had several accidents in the last two months of his life. In some ways dad also started relying more on me for help which made me feel good.

I am very fortunate and so was dad to see a turn around before he passed, both in our relationship and in his heart. Many people don't take the opportunity to change and then it's too late. Dad did his best to improve his relationships with his children and live a more open life.

Losing dad hit me very hard as I waited all of my life to really know him and it was for a brief time that I did and then he was gone. After his passing it has been very difficult interacting with my siblings, they weren't at a place with dad yet that I was. I believe there is some resentment towards me maybe fueled by guilt because they didn't really understand how fragile dad was and that their time was short.

There are other issues now, dad was wealthy, and as always when a family member passes away it sometimes brings out surprisingly negative personality traits in other family members. Anyone who has gone through this knows it can be very damaging to relationships, sometimes destroying them entirely.

I am stepping back now after over a month of involvement in the funeral and afterwards assisting in getting a sibling appointed over the estate. I need time to grieve and sort out my feelings without the constant buzz of greed and ego around me. I believe that my dad is at peace now and not worried about things he cared for on this earth. I also believe he wanted me to have a happy less stressful life. I am embracing the latter, I am taking time after several years of devastation to take care of myself a little better.

The animals are all well and here to comfort me. My daughter is growing up and is acting responsibly and maturely. I am realizing I still have dreams and that may someday include a sanctuary or stable devoted to the care of elderly horses and other animals. I am not sure if it is possible but I have dreams and in the meantime I am letting myself be in the present, living each day with the wonder and joy of every moment.

Below is a good picture of my dad. I miss him and our talks. I still feel his presence some.