My photo

Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Sunday, June 30, 2013

A productive weekend

Yesterday I visited a friend that does estate liquidation sales, she was a home in Medina working on a sale. We have almost no furniture for a house the size we are living in now and I have limited funds so we found some things we can use that were a fraction of the cost to buy new or even Good Will.

I picked up some really nice used cabinets for the garage that gave us storage and counter space, I beautiful handmade trunk and two chairs for the kitchen to go around the counter. All for almost nothing, we went to Jo Anne Fabrics and Walmart afterwards. We found two yards of really elegant fabric at Walmart for $3 to upholster the two bar stools we already had plus the two chairs we got that have backs. They will all match when we are done.

The trunk has some scratches on the top but the rest of it is beautiful so we bought upholster samples for $1 a piece and we are going to patchwork them to make a cushion for the top of the trunk. We again have storage and a place to sit on if necessary.

I wanted to get the back of my pickup full of pine bark knots but I couldn't afford it right now so we bought some bags at Walmart and it was a start.

Kylie's birthday is in July, at the end of the month we will be having a party because she turns 18. I want things to look nice and also we needed seating. We won't  be able to get any outdoor furniture this year for the patio but we will run across something nice at some point in the future. We have a huge patio but no furniture.

I would rather recycle by buying used items and changing them to make them our own. It is a very cheap way to decorate and no one will have exactly the same thing. It does take work though and I am glad we have a garage big enough to work on things and to keep tools handy.

With it raining so much this week the yard will be out of control so I'll have to get that under control again.

The horses are all happy now with a cooler day and a little fly spray. I moved my grooming table around and with the bigger counter space for my grooming tools I am ready to buzz some dog behinds,  get all the dogs shampooed and blow out.  There is however only so much time in a day so everyday will be a project till the party.

We put Nana in the sunroom on a perch while we were working in the garage and we thought she'd just be happy being out of her cage and in the sunlight and fresh air. She was okay for awhile but wanted human companionship even though she had the other birds nearby. We didn't have time to entertain her and she was okay for awhile. I had to go in the house to get something and when I walked into the kitchen Nana was hanging off the outside of her cage.

Nana hopped off of her perch in the sunroom and walked herself into the kitchen and climbed up her cage to the locked door and was waiting for someone to let her in. After that she was quiet and went to bed without too much fuss. She's a silly bird sometimes but she is happy in her cage home next to the refrigerator where she doesn't miss anything, especially food. 

Praying for others

I have prayed for years for my family and I've prayed for people that I care about and some people I know but am not close to. I asked God why none of my family has ever been healed or chosen to embrace Him was it because I wasn't praying hard enough, believing enough, or am I not right with Him enough.

The answer came quickly and pretty simply I think, He reminded me of how many times I've talked to some of them about Him, they know all the blessings He has given me and how He alone saved my entire household. They know by how I've talked about my relationship with Him that He is my friend and is loving and forgiving. They listened to what I had to say but what they felt was they couldn't let go of their control. My biological family is very much into metaphysical stuff, they try a variety of things to cope with things in their lives and even explain the hurts and the way things happened to them.

I've watched them and listened to them for years as they suffer or believe in their power to control their circumstances. They will all say God does exist, He is kind and acknowledge the bible but they can't go to Him and rely on Him, in other words they have to rely on themselves to feel safe.

Letting go of control is something I had to do because God allowed me to be in a position where I had no choice and it wasn't for a few weeks either. I had to accept day by day, weeks, months and a couple of years that it was all up to Him if we were going to have food, gas, heat, water etc. Sometimes His help would come at the eleventh hour but it always came through the mail, a call about a job, through a friend and even really off the wall ways.

It was hard at first, nerve wrenching and nail biting with so many depending on me. After a time though it gave me great peace, I didn't have to worry and I actually believed not knowing how that He would take care of it all but He did and in ways better than I could have hoped for. In the beginning, I liken it to going cold turkey to beat an addiction, you really feel vulnerable and desperate but again having no choice you went through the shakes and the withdrawals till you get to the other side of it.

I don't know how often God has knocked on my families doors, my parents and siblings or other people I've prayed for, I don't know if they've heard but couldn't allow themselves to take refuge in Him. I feel a sense that the Lord has presented Himself and has looked after them and loves them but they are unable to receive, it isn't that God has chosen not to give but that people are not prepared to receive. Maybe because deep down they hate themselves and don't feel worthy, maybe because they aren't ready to surrender perceived control. Perhaps they think to have a relationship with Him they can't drink anymore and do drugs that the trade off is too much.

Whether we have an addiction or not or anything else that may seem contrary to the Bible, God loves us and will go through it all with us. A parent does not say if you don't stop being messy I won't love  you, I won't be there for you, I'll turn my back on you. Jesus came and suffered and was killed because He loved us and so why would He turn His back on us ever.

Sin stands between us and a loving God? Yes, by our choice not God's that is the deceiving thing about sin, We sin and we cling to it and ignore God and turn away our faces, I don't believe because of Jesus that God turns His face from us because we sinned.

I will continue to pray for my family and people whom I feel I should pray for but it makes me sad and how sad it must make God, to stand on the edge of hope waiting to look down aching to give His love and comfort but because of free will He can't, He can't because we choose not to receive. 

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Generational hurdles

I was raised by a person who knew my grandmother and not by anyone in my biological family but in recent years I talk a lot to my oldest sister. All of my biological siblings live in either California or Arizona now. My one brother drove from Phoenix to California to visit my sister. It isn't going well.

I have five brothers and sisters, they range from barely functioning to functioning with a degree of addiction. Almost all have some kind of mental disorder from abuse as children coupled with alcohol and drug abuse.

Our parents are still alive but both have mental illness and have never played the role of a parent to any of my siblings. When I talked to my sister about the brother that came for a visit whom I haven't seen in many years he was starting to look like a carbon copy of my father and it makes me sad.

I was very fortunate that although my childhood at times was a nightmare it still was better than what they experienced. I am truly the only one except one other brother that is fully functional and does not have a debilitating mental illness.

I know that many of their current issues stem from our parents and how they learned to cope. My mother started them off with alcohol basically in grade school and it expanded to drugs. My only issue that has been difficult to overcome is social anxiety which I developed from the abuse and isolation of my childhood but I was not in an environment that fostered drugs or alcohol and I never used them to self medicate. I toughed it out and managed to maintain some semblance of a functional productive life.

Although my siblings have made some of their own choices as adults, I feel they are the victims of their caretakers as children and the environment they experienced as their normal long before they had choices. They did not have an advocate to speak for them, a caretaker that protected them, nor a positive role model to show them another way.  

There also was the incredible poverty, poor nutrition, virtually no discipline, structure or boundaries. They grew up doing whatever it took to survive even including stealing food or eating rotten food or no food. The girls were victims of my mother's boyfriends even my niece was molested by one and my brother was raped in a foster home.

They have alternative ways of coping with the chaos that is in their minds and that surround them even now and an altered reality to explain what happened to them which also serves an additional purpose of justifying their addictions.

I don't judge them anymore, I have quietly put together the pieces of their lives by talking to my mother and father and finding clues with their rants and some of information I have gathered from conversations with my sisters. Getting the full picture has helped me understand they whys and not just the whats of their actions and how they evolved into their present lives. I personally think our parents were fortunate that none of us died as babies or no one has successfully committed suicide.

Our parents have never acknowledged what they have done or haven't done, but they berate us all which is kind of ironic. With all of our issues as whole we are all still better of than they are for even though my siblings have difficulty functioning not one of them lacks a heart and compassion. All of my siblings love animals as I do, they can see suffering in others and most likely the ones that are able will help others selflessly. My mother and father are full of hate, bitterness, and are vengeful even now.

There may be little more victory than just surviving for some of my brothers and sisters but God has not abandoned them for they are not just empty containers like our parents, they are living vessels because they are holding love. They had no one to demonstrate love for them as children or plant the seeds to take hold in their souls, perhaps the seeds that become love are always within each of us from the beginning. It is said that a seed must die before it will bring forth new life and it may wait years before it comes to life under certain circumstances but perhaps some seeds never come to life to fulfill their true purpose.   

Thursday, June 27, 2013

The war of flies

I have recently encountered a fly that has been biting our horses that I have never seen before, they look like a fly crossed with a yellow jacket. They are aggressive and leave bloody spots where they have bitten.

Tonight I went to the store and bought the best fly spray I could find. Cody and Pony both had welts and blood on their fur. The darker horses didn't seem to be bitten up as much. I've never had this kind of fly problem before. We have many fly predators in the pony barn, there are few flies in the barn where Cody and Aubrey are but they went out to pasture and got bit really bad.

The neighbors have a beautiful pond and they use their grass clippings as mulch which may add extra breeding areas for certain types of flies. I suspect the hot temperatures and heavy rains are also the cause.

 I am thinking it will probably be a really bad flea season too, I hate parasites. I wrestled with Pony this morning to worm him, he and bit started rubbing their tails. Pony hates  to be wormed and will struggle at first with a great deal of energy. I let him back himself into the corner and it took awhile for him to stop rearing his head every time I brought they syringe up, in the end he got the complete dose he needed it without knocking part of it out on the ground. No more tail rubbing and tomorrow a good spray down for the flies.

This weekend will be work in the house and yard a plenty. With the rain it will be trimming and more trimming, the dogs have to be bathed and the house vacuumed and dusted.

Tomorrow I will know how bat my tooth is and see if they can put the crown back or not. Today was one of those days when the morning was a series of problems. For one, Micah caught a bird, killed it and attempted to eat it. Outside of course, he never tries to kill the parrots.

It went on from there so it wasn't a stunningly simple day but that's life I guess.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

An opportunity to do something good

I got a call today from a family I helped with re-homing their dog. It wasn't the right time in their family to have one dog and they had two and it was not going well. They asked me if they could bring their small daughter out to see the ponies for her birthday.

I agreed to let them come out tonight and it was a surprise for their daughter. She was delighted and she was a natural with all of the animals. She just knew what to do and say, she was only five, it was awesome to see.

So, the little girl, kissed, petted and brushed pony and bit. She went for a little ride on pony, she played with the dogs, she laid in the grass with the bunny and petted Nana on top of her head. The little girl cried when she had to leave but she got a great surprise and a special birthday memory.

I  am so proud of pony, he hasn't been ridden in awhile and he was a perfect little gentleman. 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Political views

I am not one to get into too many political conversations, I do have my feelings about candidates and different topics. Though I have my own views I have never failed to see someone else's point of view and respect them.

Unfortunately, some people can't do the same, they would rather be rude and nasty to someone with different views. I am going to vent now because I just feel it necessary to let out some of the things I have been mulling for a long time.

I despise small mindedness, I strongly dislike other people ridiculing others when they have never lived without food, insurance, basic needs. Some poor people have worked hard all of their lives and never accepted government help and because they are poor, they are lumped with some people who work the system. If they have no money or education they become nonhuman I suppose.

I also know that if you have not lived in another country that isn't so the US, then you don't have a clue as to how blessed you are regardless of what party is in office. The fact that I can write this rant because I live in a free country is more important than political parties.

I am tired of people wanting semi automatic weapons and acting like babies that someone took a toy away from. I'm sorry but you can put a teacher in the school with a gun and think they are going to have a shoot out with someone with an automatic rifle and take them down and save the day.

I figure if one person with a gun has enough guts to try and shoot someone wielding an automatic weapon they probably have one chance if that. Of course we could give teachers automatic weapons that will be next. We as Americans can standby while innocent children are gunned down and say we can't give up weapons that can kill many people rapidly and just be satisfied with a personal firearm. A shot gun in a home break in is by far the best defense, everyone knows what a shotgun sounds like when it's being primed to fire and no one wants to anywhere near the direction it's fired at.

I think too many people play video games and watch movies and think because they own a gun they have the courage to kill another human being. I was raised in a home that always had a gun in it, my mom left it out with bullets laying around when I was a kid. I also have owned guns but I will say I have no use for them unless I know without a doubt that I would shoot an intruder to protect my daughter. Otherwise, brandishing a firearm is just childish and aside from hunting gives me the impression people want to be little gangsters and like being intimidating because they don't have anything else going for them.

I however am not paranoid, I don't dream of people coming to break in my house, take over the country or have any delusions about being safe just because I have a gun. Again, owning one is fine but   are you prepared to kill or to be shot at, I love John Wayne but Americans have bought into the idea that we are like the guys we see on TV and you know it's just a load of crap, it's an ideal and maybe before an American can buy an automatic weapon they should tour the school with the blood of innocent children still on the walls.

The asses that have denied the parents of these children at least some change to prevent murder in schools on such a large scale. What will it take? The children of the NRA leaders to be gun down in school to finally get some sort of reasoning back into gun control.

I've heard enough about Obama, how many people were against him because he was black. His critics have been more disrespectful to him than any other president. Saying crazy things like he isn't even a US citizen, if you are going to insult the guy at least be intelligent about it.

Before you even start with Obama who gave Bush a free pass to go, didn't he really leave a  mess. I don't always agree with Obama's decisions no more than other presidents but he is the president, and he to me seems a most caring person. I have great respect for him as a person. I should be able to say that without being treated like an idiot.

 I have views about religion. People's sins are no one else's business because our own sins are our business first and all of the time. Who on this earth has a right to say what God considers a worse sin than another. I see the hate and the judgement and the bible being used to be hurtful, turning people away from the love of God because all they see is the ugliness of people. Now, tell me if that isn't a terrible sin, to turn people away from God's love and cost them their souls.

Okay so my last point is, people rave about how wonderful animals are, how we could learn from them. Well... lets learn from them then and starting treating people better, you know the way animals do even though a person doesn't deserve it.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Agitated today

I can't explain exactly why I feel agitated today, I just feel that way and I'm tired too. I got a lot done today, I took the dogs for their rabies shots and the horses got the vaccine for strangles. The barn we are at has people that show and they got their horses vaccinated and I didn't want to leave ours unprotected.

It was hot and miserable most of the day, I got some adhesive for my tooth which will be checked later this week by the dentist. I guess for the most part it's been a pretty good day. The dogs all piled into the back seat of  my corolla, and off we went. They were good for the vet and rode back especially good.

It is only Monday though and I wish it were Friday already or at least cooler, maybe I will feel better tomorrow after a good nights sleep.

I am happy to have gotten the shots out of the way and to have such good dogs and horses. They are my comfort even when I'm cranky.    

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Great day except for teeth

Today was awesome, we went to the Scottish games in Wellington and saw a great many things. Lots of redheads, kilts, and a large crowd of people who all had something in common. I went to the genealogy table and ran a list of names off of my mother's side and my father's and found all but one where either Scottish or Scotch/Irish. It comes as no surprise because the area where my family comes from came from that heritage with a bit of German mixed in.

We found our tartan and bought a scarf and a pin and we hung it on our front door. Kylie really enjoyed seeing for herself that she has true ancestors and there is a history for her. There were boarder collies and sheep herding, Highland cattle, bagpipe competitions, dancing, and of course the heavy competitions. Big strong men that competed basically lifting and running heavy things and tossing them as far as they can, it was stirring.

We came home early afternoon, the day was really hot, after the sun started going down I mowed a little and then a crown fell of my tooth. All I can say is it really sucks. I will be visiting the dentist next week I guess.

Once it cooled off a little we went to see the horses, tonight we turned them out with three other geldings with piles of hay everywhere. Not even a sound, not even a whinny of protest from any, they sniffed, picked their pile and ate. We watched for while and they moved around the piles but no one chased or fought and so we left them, they'll be out in the arena and paddock for the whole night while it's cooler and sleep during the day when it's hot.

Hope my tooth last till I can get to the dentist and the fix is not ridiculous, of course I am trying to be optimistic, it is really working at this point.  

Friday, June 21, 2013

The Warriors!

This morning I took a stroll out to the garden with a pitchfork and checked out the vegetables we planted. We have a couple of wild elderberry bushes we transplanted which are doing well, I saw spinach and peppers sprouting and the beans and peas are doing great.

I stuck my pitchfork in the soil deep and pulled up a big clod of clay and the compost materials that were sitting on top. It was time to see how things were going with the of 1200 worms approximately that I released in the past 3 weeks.

My tiny worm warriors are indeed alive and well! They are also fat, the clay had worm holes in it and I checked several locations and found worms every time, there are also mushrooms growing. The important thing is they are working their way through the clay, I am excited about the progress they are making.

We went to see the horses and the family that runs the barn where working on stalls so we pitched in a little and helped so they could get done. Kylie and I also cleaned the parrots cages which needed to be done really bad.

Nana was a bad bird today, I put a pizza in the oven for lunch and she managed to stay calm while it baked but as soon as it came out she wanted some. She was having a cow but the pizza was just to hot, I finally smacked her on the foot with a pot holder and told her she had to wait like everyone else. She gave me the I'm appalled look she has, climbed up on to her high perch and pouted. After the pizza cooled, I dropped pepperoni with melted cheese into her bowl, she put her pride aside and scuttled down to eat her helping of pizza. Then finally she took a nap and all was well and quiet at least for awhile.   

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Lazy day

I worked hard today at my job but didn't do much else. I was tired and took a nap after work and visited with the neighbors. Kylie didn't go to the 4H meeting tonight, she just wouldn't go but I will try again next time.

Tomorrow I have plenty to do so I will be able to have some fun on the weekend. 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Strawberries, sunshine, and the dentist

I added Kylie to my dental insurance, seems she's not covered by her dad anymore. She hadn't gone in a couple of years so I took her today, she has some cavities. She had to wear an ex pander for a few years now and that added to the problem. So, we'll be back to see the dentist soon.

I picked strawberries this evening and froze the, of course I ate some and Nana ate some. I cleaned the ponies stall out and fluffed it up. They always go in there when the sun goes down and wait for me to lock the gate. The still come when they are called, smart little stinkers.

I'm sleepy now, I worked hard, ran Kylie around and did my chores, and I am ready to go to bed now. Tomorrow I am meeting up with the family that boards our horses and going to a 4H meeting in Lorain county. I might help out and it will be good for Kylie, she doesn't want to go, it's a sore spot with her but we need to go so she can meet other teenagers. I think it will be a better experience for her than she thinks, hopefully people won't recognize our last name and she can be known for herself instead of the drama that goes along with being a Riedel.

Maybe next year she can be show Little Bit, that would be nice. 

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

A beautiful day

It was a nice temperature outside and sunshine! I mowed the lawn at lunch time and got it all done. I took a nap after work and then got up and went to the barn to see Cody.

I rode him a little bit and had such a relaxing time. Both Aubrey and Cody look great and their coats are shinier then they have ever been. Just beautiful and weight is just right. Kylie road Aubrey bareback for a few minutes. She still isn't over her sinus problem.

I had a really good day, I am so happy to get to ride some, pet and love on Cody and give him treats. The horses enjoyed the attention and even being ridden. How fortunate to be able to keep them and enjoy them. I love them both.

Pony and Bit go out early in the morning and eat grass, they come in their little barn and nap and go back out whenever they feel like it. The romp around sometimes and roll, they stand in the cool rain and come in if it really pours. The both look great, Pony looks better now than he ever has. Bit, always has looked fabulous with his little conformation and prancing self. 

Monday, June 17, 2013

More calls for retirement for horses

I received two calls today about care for senior horses, I just feel bad because there is a great need for this service. I have to throw up my hands and say if only, but it isn't possible for me to do it. I don't know what the future holds or if I could ever do it again, when you commit to caring for senior horses they pass away.

It has been my experience when a senior horse nears the end of his time that you as a caretaker spend a great deal of time watching over them, and you begin to bond to them and then they are gone. Owner's can't be at the barn every minute and so to really take care of a senior that begins to be frail, if you are really caring for them you get emotionally involved. Loss is hard and you grieve, I still grieve for some of the horses that I cared for that were not mine.

To ever do it again, I would be deliberately choosing to be hurt in a way and to see some things that not easy to bare. So, I leave the future up to the Lord and whatever His will is then I do, I won't worry about it now. I just give what advise I can to those who call.

Lots of senior dogs on facebook being dumped, what can I say about that except humans are cruel and selfish. I have to skip over the photo's as fast as I can because I either get real mad or I get real sad about seeing them.

We got a ton of rain today, I got some of the lawn mowed and then had to quit. Well I'll do the rest tomorrow, at least it's cooler now.  

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Hardly did anything today

I wanted to take my brother to the flea market this morning but it was raining so we didn't go. I took Kylie later to Good Will and they had a lot of pretty nice furniture today. We don't have end tables and many tables in general. The prices were cheap so I bought an end table for the downstairs and a little table to put the little birds cages on in the sun room so they aren't on the dining table anymore.

That was about all I did today, I haven't seen my brother for awhile so I spent some time with him and I took a nap. We watched some TV together and just hung out.

I guess I needed the rest myself, I'll get the lawn and other things done tomorrow. Hope the rains stop so the hay can be cut, I don't want to see another bad hay year. Hard to believe June is flying by so fast. 

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Sinus/Allergy headache

I have a headache in my eye, that's what happens when you run the trimmer you get an allergy/sinus headache the next day. I don't feel like doing anything now. Rain again, I'll mow tomorrow or Monday. My brother is coming down this evening and I am going to take him out to eat.

Not sure if I will see the horses today, maybe in a couple of hours. I hate feeling this way, I will be taking an allergy pill tonight. The house is nice and cool, I enjoy the coolness of the rooms and relaxing during the weekend.

My books arrived for dog massage, I am going to start working on Dusti to make him feel better. It will be good for me to practice with him and learn more about dogs by observing him. It will also give me so me something else to think about besides work, the yard, and all the other chores I let myself get stressed about.

Micah rolled in poop this morning so he got a good bath, I dremelled all the dogs nails and got them really short this time so they could walk without their nails getting in the way. Cooper is the only one that I end up having to clip with nail clippers, I will corner him tomorrow, he does have white nails so they are easy to do.

The other dogs will each get baths soon and get their coats blown out. It helps with the fur on the inside of the house and they smell better too. Dusti has allergies and he will really enjoy a good bath and a good blow out of his coat.

The weekend will have came and gone very fast, I get things done but never all I would like to. 

Friday, June 14, 2013

This is Nana's Mantra

Posted by Picasa

Catching up

I let the weeds grow and the last two evenings I've been trimming and spraying. We cleaned the pony stall tonight and fluffed it up. I am itchy from trimming but the place looks nice, we have all kinds of flowers and shrubs and sometimes it is hard to tell what are weeds till the grow up.

I went out to the garden and kicked the soil around and guess what I saw, a worm, yeah! Things are cooking  now and the beans are growing and some grass because the manure has seeds in it.

I look forward to getting things done this weekend, Kylie is cleaning each room in the house and helping with chores so that makes the weekend better. I ordered a couple of books on animal massage, they will be here tomorrow. Dusti is 12 now and he gets around but he has weak hips and some days when it's cold and damp he doesn't feel like doing much. I am going to practice on him with some massage and see if it will make him feel better and more comfortable. I have always wanted to do animal message because I think it is very beneficial, especially animals that are in pain or have trouble getting around.

The storms the other night were scary, thank the good Lord no tornado. I spoke with one of my co-workers in Colorado Springs and some of the people who work for the company are on notice for possible evacuation and some have already lost their home. It's a beautiful place but it his considered high desert and they have been in a drought for a long time. It's just a terrible thing and they think it all could have started with arson.

This year is a tough one for many people, tornadoes, fires, shootings and bombings, you can't even totally get past one thing in the news and then something else happens. 

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Just couldn't take it anymore

A dog I know was adopted from a shelter, she had issues and I knew the owner and the dog. The owner did not want to deal with the dogs issues after months of having her and took her back to the rescue and dumped her. Of course the dog is going to have even more issues especially with trust.

I contacted the rescue and volunteered to work with the dog in anyway I could to help her work through issues if she is adopted out again. I'd take the dog myself but four is enough and she deserves a home where she gets lots of attention, I can however make it easier for her to adjust so she won't get dumped again.

It kept eating at me you know, I just hate what people do sometimes especially so called animal lovers. Just like any child, being placed over and over again can compound issues and it works that way with animals to, they learn not to trust anyone and they feel a sense of betrayal, Cooper took 2 years to finally accept us as his forever home.

Nana took almost a year to stop biting and being angry and accept us as her flock. The worst is when an owner dumps a senior which happens a lot with horses. They think a horse can just go out to some magical farm with a pasture and be forgotten so that the owner's can move on. Horses love their humans, food and care are important but so is the bond over the years that they come to trust.

It isn't acceptable to teach children it is okay to dump senior animals either, it could come back to haunt the parents when they are old and in the way.

I got more worms for the garden, when the box arrived and I opened it the contents looked like a twisted brain wiggling around (nice visual huh), it took all of a minute for them to disappear in the ground. I think I have freed enough tiny warriors for now, I look forward to see how it goes in a few weeks and if they manage to multiply.

Humid today, more rain and some storms. It's more like spring this week than summer but I'm not complaining, just like to see everything green and growing.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Another phone call

About twice a month I get a call from someone who heard about the farm and that we took care of senior horses and they have one that needs a good place to take care of them. I usually call the people back, let them know we don't do it anymore and try to give them what advise I can.

When I hang up the phone I feel sad because I know there is a need, and I loved doing it. Then I get mad because of the selfishness of a couple of people, the greed of a couple of others and the job that came too late to turn things around. I don't miss the awful house but I'd have endured it to be able to take care of the horses again. After all those thoughts I remind myself that I have to live in the present and do what it is that God has planned for me.

I got a call today of course and will keep getting these calls probably for awhile, nothing I can do about it other than to wish them the best at finding a good place. I talked to the lady that called today for awhile and learned how she was trying to help a friend and that the friend had let the horse go to a trader not knowing of course the guy was a horse trader, the woman got the horse back before anything bad happened. I shared with her what we did for the seniors and why, before she hung up she said "God bless you for all you've done" and it touched my heart, I didn't expect it.

Nothing more to say about today except Kylie came down with something and I might be getting it too, hope not, I hate getting sick. I did take her to the doctor so she should be feeling better soon. Tomorrow's Wednesday, the weeks go fast with my job which I appreciate. 

Enjoying God's blessings

We got good rain today which we needed, after work and the sun started shining I went out to cut some grass. I mowed the front yard and the ducks were roaming around eating bugs and rooting around in the wet soil. They gingerly walked around as I mowed.

Early in the day I had noticed a large wild bunny outside my bedroom window eating a dandelion and two brightly colored finches, as yellow as the dandelions. The sun was setting and I noticed in the rear flower garden a tiny hummingbird flying from bloom to bloom, the barn swallows were out and we have a nest in the little building where the ponies stay, the parents perch on the fence while I go in and out.

I drove past the strawberry patch while cutting grass and the plants were weighted down with strawberries and some of them were ripe. I went and got a bowl and filled it with fresh strawberries, nothing in the store taste like these. I'll be freezing them and the neighbor is going to help us make jam in the winter months.

With the rain and leaving the grass cuttings to go back into the soil I saw some mushrooms growing which is a good sign that the soil has some nutrients in it. I am all about good soil, the neighbors use roundup every week but I just can't do it. We bought white vinegar to use on weeds where necessary but there are too many animals around and the ground is too poor to be spraying poison everywhere. Things may not be picture perfect but it will still be beautiful. The vegetable garden will have weeds and stray grass but no poison, it will look a little messy but the vegetables will still taste good regardless.

We do have some beautiful landscaping and flowers all around, it truly is delightful to look at. and see all the creatures that benefit from it as well.  

Sunday, June 9, 2013

A very excited daughter

I haven't been exactly ambitious today, I took advantage of the alone time and just hung out watching movies etc. Later in the afternoon a very excited Kylie came home, her friend's family dropped her off and they too were very excited. Their costumes had competed against others and they got 2nd place. They competed against some very experienced costume makers and also had to appear before about 3000 people. They also got a lot of recognition in general.

It was the best time I think Kylie has ever had and she was so proud of her accomplishments. She had worked tirelessly on making chain mail for her arms and head. It payed off because the workmanship of her and her friend is what impressed the judges.

I am happy because Kylie is happy, I am glad to see her confidence just explode because she feels successful. It's awesome for her after going through so much. Of course she has now crashed because of lack of sleep and so much excitement.

The kids went swimming at the water park and did other things beside the Con and they stayed up late and talked and laughed, calling me at 2:00 a.m. It was a good way to have a release after working so hard at school.

I am thinking she is going to be tired for a couple of days but she will have to keep busy around here while I work, I want to get the house in order so she can invite people to celebrate her 16th birthday. I am not much  good at planning events but I will do my best to make it a good day for her.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Putting things in perspective

When you first wake up it's the best time to reflect and take time to pray and talk to God, if you take the time or can take the time. I always wake up and take a little time in the mornings to think about things. With Kylie being gone  last night I also had time to reflect. I stumbled upon a huge folder of pictures on my computer of the farm and all the animals I got to know, dogs, horses etc. It was tough to look at because all of the memories came back and it was like looking at a virtual journal of some very happy times.

When you look at old pictures it seems like life at that time was something special and happy but I thought about it and realized that the in between those pictures where some very sad and hard times as well. I just felt for a moment I had failed and had lost something precious to me. I thought about it more this morning and asked God why he would pick us up and bring us here where it isn't a farm when he knows my heart is in the land and caring for His creatures. The answer came pretty quick, He did this for me, to stop the merry go round of life long enough for me to focus on Kylie, my own animals, and myself.

I am almost 50, I never go to the doctor, I don't eat right, I don't take care of myself, I have for the past few years got up and started running for one reason or another to work for or take care of something else. I don't go get hair cuts, my glasses were like five or six years old, I never slept the way I should, I could go on forever about it actually.

The past couple of weeks I have been trying to make better choices, retrain myself to organize my life, enjoy what God has given me and to take care of things I have let go for myself. It's hard and it feels unnatural. But I know I have to go to the doctor and get checked out and live better if I want to live longer.

A friend found a farm in Ashland with 18 acres and a barn that was very affordable, it bothered me, and I prayed about it. God reminded me of the hard work and the equipment needed to take on such a place. I guess He didn't say never again, just not now.

I cried last night looking at those pictures but some of the tears were joyful ones because I had some really good life moments and it wasn't all bad. Some real memories for Kylie and I to cherish. I have a picture of a very senior German Sheppard we pet sat for a couple of weeks, she passed not long afterwards and I always felt connected to her, she was a grand soul. I cherish that photo of her even though I can picture her face without it.

None of what we did was in vain, and we had a very special experience, not many people throw everything in the wind and just live a dream, even if it doesn't last it was worth it. Now, is another time in my life and my animals are so happy to have my attention and so is Kylie. This is a healing place, a place where there isn't as much stress or work and their is some comfort and security. I have to say if I fell on my face there is no person that would rescue us, no parents or family, only God. He's done a good job looking out for us. Like a good parent He doesn't always hand over what we think we want but what is best for us.

Like I said, early in the morning is a good time to talk with Him, He is waiting for us then, it is an intimate time. Those that have never experienced that close relationship I know may not understand, it took years for me and lots of pain, loosing my mom was a big factor but it has come to me and is easy now. You have to open your heart and mind and just feel sometimes, He's there and as magnificent as you can imagine, but loving like a Father too.

At this time in my life I feel sheltered by Him, as if he where a Father saying everything is going to be alright, rest awhile. 

Friday, June 7, 2013

Kylie is so brave!

She is off to her Con which is an annual event, it is all about dressing up in your favorite game, tv, and move characters. Kylie worked hard on this years character and she is a master at costumes and makeup, this year she almost changed her mind about wearing a beard, she is playing a character from Monty Pythons Search for the Holy Grail, she's playing King Arthur and her friend is playing another guy character. I suppose it's my fault for introducing her to the movies and old TV shows, still it's better than Star Wars or Star Trek. She is on her way today in full costume, she text me and I asked her if the family she goes with every year is still laughing. Here is her response:

More lip smacking than in a back seat at the drive in movies

Ponies get treated to mineral rocks, first time in a long time. 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Rain is welcome and the mist that follows

This morning I fed the ponies in their little building because it was raining pretty steadily, later in the day when is was just sprinkling and there was a mist I let them out. It struck me as such a peaceful setting that I took their picture.

I went out after work to visit the big horses, it was just before feeding time and I brushed them both out, they are still shedding some. Cody had taken a mud bath earlier in the day and it had dried which when brushing him helps remove the loose hair stuck to the dried mud. I used a large furminator I had purchased for dogs, it is a great tool for the type of fur horses has and is better than a curry. Aubrey has a sleek shiny coat, Cody's is a little thicker but slick none the less.

Kylie is finally finished with school and her last week of tests, she is off till Sunday with her best friend  at an event she goes to every year with her friends family. She worked hard and I am glad she is going. When she gets back she will have to do more around here through the summer and we'll have to see about a written driving test and get her started on getting her license.

Today I bought her an inexpensive pair of high heals for her trip, she's over do for such things and she was so excited to get them. Kylie is turning into a woman, she's going to be 16 in July. The time flies really, I can still see her as a little girl with dimples.

There are many things I wish I could have done for Kylie that given the situation I haven't been able to. God has always provided though, the important things. I wish I could get her a pony cart, she has the harness so she could have some fun with pony before she gets to old to enjoy such things.

She has been thinking a lot about her future and what she may want to pursue as an adult. She is very artistic and has a strong desire to pursue education and a career in the arts except recently she has been doing research and realizes that is not where the money is basically.

Kylie is also a fan of science, she loves it as a matter of fact. She's been researching careers she might be interested in that involves science and that might appeal to her and give her a decent rate of income. She wants to do something to help people too.

Kylie said to me, I hate to think of money but I want to live well and I told her that making money is not a bad thing it is what you choose to do with it. I want most of all for Kylie to be okay and be able to survive if ever something should happen to me. I want her to live comfortably but I also want her to be a good person, be generous and to give back. I know Kylie is growing up to be a fine young lady and I'm proud of her.

Not there aren't really irritating teenage moments mind you, I can get very frustrated with her with her sleeping habits, messiness and sometimes back talk, not to mention being slow as Moses sometimes. All normal stuff, nothing earth shattering yet.

The dogs and Nana were really bummed to see the suit case come out, the dogs walked around all sad and Nana made it known that she wanted attention and then carried on when she saw Kylie leave. I am enjoying some alone time but that won't last, I'll be happy to see her by Sunday.

The beans in the garden that I planted last weekend are about 2 inches above ground now and we'll see what else pops up. The rain sure makes a difference, some mushrooms had started showing up which means the composting has finally started from the increase in moisture. We have a zillion strawberries growing and they are starting to ripen.

It's hard to believe summer is actually here and it will be over before you know it. 

Ponies in our pasture

My Daniel

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Feeling great today

I have been sleeping more than I have in years these past few days. When I became a single mom years ago I went from sleeping well to 5 to 7 hours max sleeping time. With work and my daughter I just had to cut sleep out to keep up with everything. I've been sleep deprived for so long it just seemed normal.

I have not been feeling well and just run down, depressed, and I have been decompressing from the past couple of years stress lately so I have just wanted to sleep, I have had no appetite and have been consuming less caffeine and smoking less.

I have started going to bed earlier and I take a nap during the day or after work and I have to admit I am starting to feel better than I have in years. It's interesting because when I don't sleep enough I am always hungry, I am restless and I seem to have more anxiety.

Years ago before becoming a single mom I always went to bed on time, took naps and didn't have a problem with over eating. My room has a nice ceiling fan and there are two central air units in this house one for the upstairs where the bedrooms are and one for the lower levels of the house. The lower level is always cool, upstairs it does get warmer and I have everything set at 72 upstairs. It works really well because I am not keeping the whole house cool when we only need the air sometimes upstairs. With the ceiling fans, open windows, or the air I can sleep very comfortably at anytime.

It's like waking up in a new life in ways because I have actually started reprogramming myself to stop and take care of myself before launching into everything I feel I need to get done or doing for everyone else. I haven't had the freedom to live that way in a very long time.

The feeling of being bloated, hungry, sluggish all those things were getting really bad but with sleeping more I wake up feeling less of those things. I have almost completely lost my appetite, some days I've hardly eaten but feel okay. I drank so much coffee too that now I don't to need as much which has to be good.

Anyway, another great thing about today is my worms came. I was in the garage when the mail truck pulled down the driveway, the dogs barking like crazy. I waited till the mail truck pulled out and went on its way before running to the door and grabbing the important package.

I have released my little warriors, they came healthy and ready to roll. Hopefully, they will survive and multiply relatively fast, I won't know for a little while.  One thing is for sure, it's going to take a long, long time to get decent soil at this place.

Looking at the clock now, time for bed. 

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Ponies and grass

Bit our mini and Pony our little Shetland are on grass with an electric fence. They actually can clean out a pretty big area fast so today was move the fence day so they could have more grass. This time they have a large portion of tall grass in which you can see the top of Bit and his ears as he walks around. The grass they are eating used to be a nice hay field which it actually still would be. I don't think they will be complaining and they'll have to come in some because they will get fat again.

Cody is looking great and Aubrey to everyone's surprise is still growing, in fact, he may make it to 16 hands easily. Aubrey's withers are about at our eye level or above and his head towers over Kylie. He's all legs and back, still the beautiful Arab trot and he has a beautiful face. I'm not sure exactly what else is in him but he's big like Raul's was and the shape of his face is very similar. Aubrey is red but has some roan in his coat too. All Kylie can say is gee, I didn't really want a huge horse but I guess I have one. His behind is still taller than his withers and I've heard that means he's not done growing, we'll have to measure him again soon and see where he is.

Aubrey is a  bit head shy and very sensitive, it is funny to watch Kylie and him work through that. She was trying to brush him at the top of his neck and he was not having it so she grabbed his face and wouldn't let go even though he is so tall now, she told him to behave and he finally lowered his head looking all sad because he made her mad. It was cute to watch.

Cody is so easy but he was so much worse when he was young compared to Aubrey, Kylie doesn't believe me but I found some pictures of Cody recently when I bought him and he was carrying on and she thought maybe I was telling the truth like the time he chased me out of the corral and bit me in the back of my calf. Yes, he was a bad, unbroke 2 year old stud colt.

I ordered some fried pickles the other day and was astounded to find that Nana bird ate one. She always wants what I am eating so I thought well let her have a taste of this, she ate it and liked it. She is a piggy bird.

Dogs are all good, I still have to give them all a bath and do their nails, I guess I'll get to it eventually. I've been so tired and sleepy lately, I just knock out one thing at a time and then rest.  

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Waiting is the hardest part...

Glad to get the rain so the soil will be softer, everything looks greener. Still no worms though... they have been shipped and they are somewhere out there on their way. I told the neighbors I bought some and they looked at me like I was a three eyed hippo but that's okay, I know not everyone understands, they have a compost pile that will most likely see the benefits too.

Kylie has been using my laptop for school and I haven't had access so much in the evenings which has been difficult for me. It seems writing about things as I feel them seem to be good therapy for me. The past week was really hard for me because I've been hit with some real depression. After going through so much the past 2 years and always being on the brink of disaster I've been in a state of Adrenalin or the opposite of pure exhaustion.

We moved quickly and without much help, basically my brother, Kylie, her dad and a wonderful man who I knew through helping Sheba. No one else helped move all of the animals our things etc. and I might add all of the people I had helped before were not around.

In the middle of the whole chaotic time I interviewed, got the job and started training at Wells Fargo and then had to go to Philadelphia for two weeks instead of having time to pack, we threw everything together in about four days. I left things behind because it wasn't possible to get it all done and the animals were more important than anything else.

When I got moved then it was a long commute, unpacking, Kylie's school had started the day after the move and working 40+ hours and some Saturday's. As soon as the horses got settled at Thea's then she learned she had to move and she needed help and so we were caught up in her crisis and helped on the weekends and went through her troubled months of if she would survive financially which was like reliving the whole thing over again. To top it off the week of the move before we left Mare Girl died and it was the worst thing to see her bleed so badly and struggle, it just to this day is so horrific and such a loss.

Next the horses and ourselves never got settled at the new place, it was one drama after another till it got to be just unbearable, it was winter, work at the end of the year in my business is overwhelming. All of the staff was off except a skeleton crew and I was one of the few underwriters working the last 2 weeks of the year, it just drained me. New Years eve I was working till after 7 in the evening and still had to drive home.

I was already physically beaten with the year previously and I knew that to keep from getting totally sick and breaking down that I had to make some adjustments. First, the horses were moved to where they are now, they had plenty of hay and care through the rest of the winter and it was a tough winter with the hay shortage. Next, I followed a coworker to a new company where I could work from home.

The only catch was 2 weeks straight in Colorado Springs. I survived the training and started working from home. Again, lots of learning and frustration which now I have come a long way and have mastered the different government loan guidelines and regulations and the new company facilitates all kind of classes with the different government agencies who insure the loans.

The blessing was avoiding the long drive through Medina County and then the miles on the highway and traffic, I wasn't so far away from home and Kylie which wasn't good for her. I have time to get things done around here and see my horses.

That brings me to now and being depressed of all things. For the first time in many years I haven't been in the mind set of surviving, of how I will deal with the next first of the month and something goes wrong or the fear of dealing with Kylie's dad.

I never really sat down and grieved over my mom dying years ago, I had a 3 year old to raise alone basically. All the family I knew died when she did, there was no one to share with how Kylie was growing up or to talk to about old times in the culture I grew up in.

With the dust settling and time to breath all of the past 2 years and then some crept up and hit me right in the face like a cannon ball. I feel guilty about being sad when God has done so much for us. How could I not be happy in such a wonderful place he has provided, but like ghosts the memories rise up and cut me to the core of my heart.

The horses, just walking among them, the sounds of the barn late at night when we'd do our last check or throw them hay. The sunrise through the big oaks. Family that has been gone for years, just so much lost.

Kylie's depression happened in the fall, it just devastated her and she fell behind in school and then I took her to counseling. She knows what I am feeling now and has pointed out that it is now just hitting me. All true.

I struggle everyday with anger over what some people did that caused us so much heartache at the farm, they basically caused a good part of what happened at the end. I pray for God to help me forgive. There are the debts that I owe and  being brought up the way I was it is a matter of honor and it eats at me. I know eventually I'll get them paid but still it is hard for me to have them out there. Really in some ways I shouldn't be asked to pay one debt simply because I let them take advantage of me in the first place and they basically took more than they should ever been allowed to. Again, it all added to the demise of a dream.

All in all, when I am thinking sensibly I know that God has His hand on me and what was and what is He ultimately is in control of and will do what is best for me. I know that He knows I hunger yet for the still waters, green pastures, and a farm.

Perhaps the depression and the many tears shed these past few days is a gift from Him, I couldn't begin to heal and enjoy life without stopping and experiencing everything that has happened, sort it out and go forward leaving the past behind. It is very painful, but the pain and sorrow has restored my heart, at least I can feel again. I love to care for animals and have always had a tender heart but these past months it has been hard and I've thought foolishly about things instead of what is most precious, life in all it's forms. You must have a heart to hurt, and you must be vulnerable to experience love. So, I take the pain now, and hope the sorrow lifts and it will be a new day and a new life eventually.