Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Hitting the bottom, almost

Hitting bottom or getting to the end of the rope, I am not sure which one is best suited for my situation. I don't really care what happens to me if it were just me but there are other's who depend on me and the worst thing for me is that they will all be hurt and possibly lost.

I have exhausted all of my unemployment benefits, was hired by a company as a contract underwriter for a big project that was cancelled and now have no income. When I say no income I mean just that, even child support has not come in for a month. It is $250 which in the past I have not relied on, if we got it I considered it as a bonus, Kylie has always been fed and clothed and her needs met primarily through my income.

I am one month behind on rent, I paid the horse board till the 15th of August and after that there will be no money to continue boarding them and nowhere to take them. We have almost no food in the house. All of the animals will have to be surrendered soon unless a miracle happens.

Kylie will be starting school in August with all of the dreams a young girl could have, she wants to be an engineer and will be going to the Career Center to work towards that goal.

I have prayed night and day for help, still I have arrived at absolute desperation. I am willing to beg for all of these dependent on me, to feed them and keep them safe. I would beg on the street, on the internet, I would do any job or task that would help them. Basically, I would give my life for them.

With the facts laid out my Paypal account is reagolden@aol.com. If my crisis interests you, if you feel compelled please help us. It is humiliating to do this, I am just so crushed inside but there are the ones I must take care of and so I am willing to do this or anything to save them all. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

The straw that broke the camels back

I haven't posted in weeks, the job I thought I had fell through and I was partially to blame. I scrambled around and got a contract job underwriting but you only work when they have files and this week there has been nothing. Unemployment ends this week. Surviving on unemployment is far from comfortable, it's been a struggle every week to eat and take care of the animals and bills. You can't apply for any other assistance because if you get any income you don't qualify for anything and so you do the best you can.

Kylie told me something that made me very angry today, I realize now I need to pray for people. We may be hungry, we may be fighting for our lives right now and maybe out on the street soon but we are not nor have we ever been beggars. I have raised Kylie to have compassion and empathy and if she ever knew anyone that needed help that it was her duty to try and help or least have compassion.

Kylie informed me today that the topic of not having food one week was discussed with one of her friends, her friends curt reply was if food was an issue why didn't you tell your other friend because her family does charity. Interesting, Kylie has her little part time job and she knows of a teenager in our neighborhood where her father is not working, she bought this girl some candy and gave it to her so she would feel like someone cared for her. The girl is new to the neighborhood and has been through some things and Kylie understands how it feels.

Child support has not come in two weeks, it is not unusual for this to happen. It is pointless to talk to Kylie's dad, she won't talk to him because he always thinks that he should get something for his money and so strings are attached. My father who could help believes we should just go to a homeless shelter. Maybe more prayers are in order, not for us but for these two.

I am venting right now, I have done everything in my power to try and get a job that will keep us here. I have not called people begging for money or food and I won't. I do know one thing, when and if I do get a good job again I will be seeking out people who are suffering and in need. I also might be telling a few people to kiss off although I will still pray. Mostly right now I thank God for His goodness, I thank God that I have a daughter that I can be proud of, she is a good person and she has character, all the material things and college and big houses and new cars can't buy that and I think some parents would do well to think about that.

Another thing, I don't suppose it ever occurs to anyone unless they have been through it how demoralizing and humiliating it is to have to take help from anyone including unemployment or any other assistance. It doesn't matter that I never had a real mother and father, never had anything handed to me, never finished high school but yet I worked my way up, I never hooked up with men to pay my bills or have some creep hanging around Kylie. I know plenty of women who have done this, I don't go get my hair done or buy fancy clothes or do anything except try to take care of Kylie and keep the animals because they are all I've got. Another thing, I am not selling the horses, I'll die first trying to make it. They'd end up at an auction, sorry but I can't let that happen. That is the real world, animals get put down or killed if they don't have a home. People need to wake up.

While I'm venting I might as well add that Kylie has been taught not to throw away food when she eats out, especially meat. The reason why is because an animal was slaughtered, it was killed and all life should be respected. Once again the real world, people don't want to hear about how animals are kept and then slaughtered and the monstrous suffering they go through so that we can order food at a restaurant and then eat half of it and throw it away instead of boxing it up. That is not only a slap in the face the animal that was slaughtered but the people in this world who die every second from starvation. I like to see people have to go out and kill their food maybe then they wouldn't be so ignorant.

The last thing is I have felt for a while that some parents that know me don't think I am a very good parent because I tell Kylie the truth. What do they think I should tell her that the food or rent fairy will be here soon? To go as far as to tell Kylie it isn't her responsibility to worry about me or what is happening here at home. Kylie and I are very close and we worry about each other because we are a family. Life is not a fairy tale, Kylie will be able to succeed in life because she has been taught to meet life's challenges and to know what is important and guess what it isn't money or vacations or expensive crap.

Kylie has been taught to respect life, to respect herself, to have dignity and she will do fine. I have given her more than I ever had, I would have given her more if it were in my power to do so but I am proud of her, I sit back now and I see that she is okay and that she is going to be okay and that she believes in God and He will be with her.

I will pray for her friends and their families and my dad and others. Although we are not financially well right now we are still rich in ways that maybe people just don't understand.