Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I hate this

I don't think I've said it out loud but I hate this. I hate waking up every day wondering if anything will improve or if it will be another day of trying to keep everyone going. Will have money for gas or food, will I be able to feed Kylie and the animals, will I be able to pay any of the bills.

I am just getting to the point where I feel like I can't live one more day like this, it's been agony over the now 8 months and especially the last 4 weeks. I am exhausted trying to stay brave. Just had to say it, I am so tired and I hate this all so much. 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Interviews and help with Groceries

I had an interview with the human resource representative for a big company Monday, I am waiting to hear about a second interview. I haven't heard anything yet from the one I had a couple of weeks ago but they said they'd be interviewing for awhile.

I spoke to the county today and we got approved for some help with groceries, I have to wait till we get something in the mail which will be 7-10 days. We will have to struggle through it till then. I was able to buy dog food with some money someone sent us, we went to the dollar store and picked up a few items that will last till the weekend.

I've been very tired today, I think it's the heat but that is supposed to subside soon. Kylie is doing okay in school and adjusting, it will be better when I have food in the house and can send her to school with something for lunch.

It looks like she is on her own as far as her father, the county is unable to verify any income or collect child support. I know he is doing something in Jackson, Ohio but I won't be passing that along to the county it isn't worth it. There are so many things he could have helped her with but it is useless to try and reason with him, it always ends up hurting her and she doesn't need to be hurt anymore. Somehow we will get through this and when things are better I will give her everything I can to help her with her future. She's determined to make something of herself and I know she'll do it. 

Friday, August 22, 2014

A note about hunger

I was rummaging around for food in the kitchen today and thought about how people put things together, sometimes healthy sometimes not. I could stand to loose some weight so I don't mind not having a lot of food in the house because I'll eat more being so anxious and worried. Kylie on the other hand needs to eat, she has a high metabolism and she needs energy.

Boxed processed food is what most people eat when they don't have much money for groceries, it's okay to a point but it isn't very healthy. One thing that I have to watch out for is processed food or too much of it because my stomach will erupt and I will throw it up and suffer for days. With that said I try hard to find ways to get something more nutritional thrown together.

Now you would think dill pickles would kill my stomach but they don't, I eat one or two a day and my stomach actually feels better plus the vinegar wards off the hungry feeling I get from nerves. I try to use eggs, milk, and beans as much as possible and if I can I try using some frozen vegetables even in mac and cheese to get some vitamins in it.

Kylie is a big bread eater and more of a protein person than fruits and vegetables so I have to doctor them up to get her to eat it.

One good thing is that we don't buy pop, we do get a bag of chips when we can because Kylie likes to graze on them. Nana has taken the limited food issue a little hard, she loves to eat a variety of things when I eat but she loves chips and so at least that's a treat for her.

My biggest concern is really Kylie, she tries to go without food and that's not good. I have my pickles though and so that is something. I am grateful we have not run out of toilet paper, it sounds funny and it is, I guess it is silly except when you are on a very slim budget.

I think soon the food issue will be solved either by a food pantry or some help from the county, we don't really need a lot it's just the two of us plus a few fur mouths to feed as well.     

God blesses us

These past few days have been very busy because Kylie started school at the career center. Saturday was a wonderful day for Kylie, I took her to drop off something she had borrowed from a friend and we stopped by to see another friend of hers on the way back. Her friend want to giver her a birthday present, I was exhausted and worried sick and I didn't go in with Kylie but when Kylie came out she had a very emotional expression on her face and I asked what was wrong. Kylie was on the verge of tears because her friend gave her an Apple laptop that she didn't need anymore so Kylie would have it for school. Kylie was so moved but so was I because all of these years I have always provided for Kylie, I can't right now and it was the first time someone stepped in to help with something like this and it took a huge weight off my shoulders, I felt terrible about not being able to get her one and thought she'd have to go without until I could but it is all taken care of and that gave me a great deal of peace.

It's terrible to not be able to provide basic things for your child, we have never lived extravagantly, Kylie doesn't have a game system or any of the electronics most teenagers have but she needed a computer for school and I just didn't have a way to meet that need.

Saturday her friend's mom gave me some money to buy groceries, it is always hard accept help for me or even to ask for it, I've been supporting us since Kylie was born, there is very little that her dad has done and now the county can't even collect child support from him because he moved employment. I was glad this time to accept the money and the help I have received from others as well, I just reached a point where I couldn't do anything to make our situation better and I was grateful for having a week that I wouldn't have to worry about feeding Kylie and the animals.

I thank God for giving people a giving and compassionate heart and I ask Him to bless everyone mightily for what they have done for us. There has been times these past two weeks where I just thought everyone would be better off without me, these things that people have done have raised me up and given me hope and so I thank God and them for it.

I got paid today, I earned $212 after taxes, all of it will have to go towards the horse board and a little extra I had saved in my account, we are short $145 which I promised to pay at my next pay. The lease payment to my landlord is $1350 which I will have to come up with at the first of the month, how I do not know. My sister has helped with the utilities and friends have sent us money too to cover different things.

The contract job is getting more and more work in and next paycheck should be much better but I am sure it won't be enough for the lease payment, so I will pray for God to find a way for us next month. I have sent all of our paperwork to the county and I will be going to a food pantry tomorrow. If I can get help with groceries then every dime I get can go towards keeping us in this house.

For now I am okay in my mind and heart, as the days pass I know I will feel panic again as each issue becomes urgent. I am still looking for a job that will cover our monthly expenses and also looking for another job to work while working the contract job. I wish the contract job hadn't lagged so many weeks before picking up it really has made things critical.

On an up note, Kylie started her Precision Machining class at the career center, she is also taking her high school classes there as well. I sent my little girl off to school in her steel toed boots on Tuesday. Not what you'd imagine sending your daughter to school in but she is determined to get certified in precision machining because she loves making things and metal and she wants to go to college and this will help pay for it. She was pretty nervous until yesterday when the teacher had them read blueprints and work with clay to see if they understood them, she said she caught on right a way and did her project to the specifications and the teacher approved her work. That kind of made her feel like she made the right choice.

She feels very alone at school though because she doesn't have a friend there yet but she will soon. She is anxious to get a job again, her teacher told her if she has a good employment record she could get an internship opportunity this year. As soon as we are able I need to get her something to drive, if she gets another job or internship she will earn enough money to have one and she will need it to get to the job.

I'm so glad Kylie went back to a regular school, she is more mature now and she needs to get experience and get out of the house and prepare for life. I don't mean I want her out of the house as in grow up and move out, I mean it is better for her to have a set schedule and teachers face to face and be around other teenagers. I want her to be happy and to be secure when she does move out some day and this is a good thing for her even though it took a little getting used to with it being more of a male program. I can't wait till she makes something in class, it will be very interesting. 

Monday, August 18, 2014

An update

We really struggled last week, I struggled. We had to make a choice today between buying food for ourselves or the dogs. It is partly my fault because I didn't go to a food pantry. I will call around tomorrow and find one that is open, we have a little left from what my friend brought us.

I went over today to see the folks I am farm sitting for later this week to go over everything, I told them it would be a good idea to give me some gas money just in case. I have farm sat for them before and they know I am not working so they gave me enough gas money to drive there for two weeks. They'll pay me then for the service once they return.

I had to buy an ink cartridge for our printer which was painful but I needed it for the contract job, I put it in and another cartridge blew out and I can't get another one so that's that. Not sure when I can get it. I thought when it happened that their ought to be a prayer line for printers, when they work they are great and when they are difficult there is nothing more frustrating.

I called my doctor's office and was able to schedule an appointment for late September and that was with the hope that I will have money then, the doctor agreed to give me a 30 prescription so my feet are out of the fire on that for awhile.

Kylie starts school Tuesday, she's terrified but at the same time excited. I told her today that I didn't think I would be able to keep everyone together and that if I can't find a way that I would call her father's family and see if she could go there where she'd have food and get to school, the most important thing is for her to make it, she has dreams and she is so close and I can't stand not being able to provide for her.

I told her too that it may come down to finding a place for the animals. I don't want to give up, I applied for everything I could think of as far as a job but it would take a dang good job to save us now. I prayed to God for guidance, when you feel like you aren't able to take care of animals when it gets so bad they may not have food then it is time to start thinking about saving them in a different way, I've got to make sure they make it. It will kill me if it comes down to it and I wouldn't hesitate to walk a way and live on the streets because there isn't anything in this world that means anything to me except Kylie and these animals.

But I can't bare to see the ones I love go through any suffering because I couldn't get a job and take care of them. I don't mind suffering only I can't bare to see anyone or anything else suffer, I never could.

Kylie took it all well, she doesn't want it to happen but because I love her I have to prepare her for the worst. She knows I'd never abandon her and I love her more than my own life but she's got to have her chance and she's got to be safe.

Right now I couldn't rent a rock to crawl under, that's the way it is. Every Monday I wait for that one phone call that I got the job or anything that would make it all better. I've been through so much in my lifetime but it occurred to me today that I am not sure my metal is strong enough anymore. I am strong, very strong but today I just knew I can't go on being strong. I don't know how to put it into words but I know how I feel.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Last night was horrible, today a small ray of hope

I wasn't going to post anymore, I just felt it was hopeless but today I got a little good news. First, we received a donation which will help pay for gas money. I have a farm sitting job next week for two weeks and didn't have money for gas. The folks I do this for are awesome people and it will turn into some much needed funds.

Second, I talked to my school counselor and I am only taking one class this semester which is a programming class. I will take only one class the next semester that will be a programming class, that will be enough to apply for entry level jobs in IT. That will open up a world of job opportunities for me by January. They may not pay much at first but it's a start and will lead to a new career faster because experience counts in IT and I don't want to wait for years to get it.

Third, I got some really good feedback on my contract job which is really hard and takes a lot of concentration. I am reviewing loans as far back as 2000 and most of the loans are modified or in foreclosure which means reams of paperwork and changes in terms. Some things that lenders have done in those years I have never seen before and I have to be fast and accurate, yesterday I had a loan with 2,000 documents to review. It is time consuming and I will  not earn much unless I get faster and that will take time but I am trying to master it as quickly as I can.

People have suggested some minimum wage jobs which I am not apposed to, I couldn't do it while I was receiving unemployment because it would have been less income. This contract job pays a minimum of $20 a file and that is why I am holding out for it, the work didn't come right away but if it continues to come in and I get faster it will be a tremendous help.

I should hear something next week about the job interview. I pray I get it and I can pull us out of this pit we are sinking into before loosing the ones I love and a secure place for my daughter.

Anyway, it was a little bit of hope today. 

I'm done

It's 5am in the morning, I've worked furiously on the contract job but it isn't going to be enough. The cutoff for next Friday's pay is tomorrow and it just isn't going to cover the horses. I am not going to go into the morbid details as to just how bad things are right now.

I know that I am done, this is the second time in three years I've gone through this hell and I can't do this anymore. My brother is sick in Cleveland and he can't help us, I haven't even heard from him in a month and he doesn't need to be burdened anymore than he already is.

My sister in California takes care of a bed ridden husband, my other sister who is a terrible alcoholic, my uncle who has been unemployed for two years now and my disabled brother. She does not need to be burdened with my problems either.

I just can't do this anymore, I've tried everything I can think of and I am forced now to face reality. I can't save these animals or myself or Kylie. I can't stop this from happening. It is time I went underground, no more blog posts or Facebook. I have to accept what is happening and live through it, I'm alone except for God and I am at the point where I question Him and I wonder if He has heard my prayers or if this all is His will for me, I will have to let the horses and animals go. There is no other way and soon we will have to move.

I just can't go on anymore, I'm finished. 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Nothing = Nothing

Nothing good this morning, every day I wake up I think maybe today something will happen or this will all be over and we'll be okay. Tomorrow is the day I need to pay the board for the horses, they won't let us work it off. I have nothing to give them.

Kylie starts school on Tuesday, I'll be lucky to have gas to get her there.

And, then there is the rest of the things that I can't do anything about.


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Just feeling bad today

Yesterday I felt really good in my mind and body. Last night I had a bout with stomach, avoided throwing up but I was up in the middle of the night twice. I am sick at my stomach now, I just feel awful.

I feel groggy, angry, and just bad right now. I've been applying for jobs on the computer, trying to track down information and all of the desperate things I do every day but I don't feel like getting up off the couch.

My stomach is so torn up right now and I'm in pain and I'm exhausted from it. I am taking Kylie for her orientation this evening and then to check on the horses because it isn't good to skip more than one day to make sure they are okay. I know I'll feel better soon but I really do feel awful right now. I think it is time to lay down for a little while with the dogs who are taking a nap right now and see if I will feel better when I get up. 

Pulling at straws

I called the child support bureau today to find out if there was any hope of receiving a payment anytime soon. Of course the answer was no, Kylie's dad is no longer working at whatever job he had and they have been looking for new employment for him but haven't found anything. It will be months before anything comes of it.

I have to skip pills now because I only have a couple left, when I hung up the phone the memory of things that happened years ago brought me to tears. When I was caring Kylie it was a constant roller coaster with Dave, he'd leave, on Christmas Day of course while I was pregnant and when I say leave that meant he left me and disappeared for months.

I started getting sick with my pregnancy, I ended up with Toxemia, I moved in with my parents because I was still working full time downtown Cleveland. Right after Kylie was born I needed time alone and I went down and stayed in a house Dave owned at the time but didn't use. Two weeks after Kylie was born he had his attorney send me a letter notifying me that he would evict me and the baby.

We were fifty miles from a hospital, Dave disconnected the phone at the house too. I had Kylie's clothes in a cardboard box and a changing table and a little carrier for her and that was it. I had a C-section so I needed some time to heal. Once I was able to drive I found an apartment and moved into it. As soon as I moved Dave hounded us there with threats.

It is crazy to think of all these things but things are bad right now but remembering this stuff reminds of worse times, I really don't know how I survived some things I went through.

Child support has always been an issue with Dave, he hates it, he ran up attorney bills for years fighting over $360 a month and one day I said to him, what do you want to pay and he said $250 and that was that. He stopped his continual harassment. He could afford a lot more and people have said it's Kylie's money but she would have paid for every penny with the abuse she would have had to suffer, it wasn't worth it.

Dad's not all but a great many have an issue with child support like the ex-wives are trying to be greedy. Any money paid most assuredly goes towards the things a child needs, it isn't easy to raise a child alone, mother's don't refuse their children food or care because they don't have the money or don't get child support, it isn't an option not to pay when you are the custodial parent.

I wish with all my heart that I never needed any support, that I could give Kylie all that she needs without giving it a thought or asking for help. Most of the time I managed this but this is not one of them. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

A more up day

I hounded the contract company for more work and may get some tomorrow, also I went to an interview this evening. It went very well and it will come down to the competition, I should know something next week.

The fuel light came on while driving to the interview, haven't had money for gas and I hadn't eaten but was able to focus anyway.

I had a baked potato when I got home and am feeling better. God was gracious to me today getting me there and back and also not letting me get the shakes from not eating. We have some groceries but I am trying to make them last as long as I can.

Talked to the county about some help, lots of red tape and it will take weeks for them to process the paperwork. All I can say is I know there are families in a worse situation than we are in and I truly feel for them. It is so hard to get help for families these days that are in need. I am going to pray extra hard for the families out there even though I don't know them.

Let's hope good things come soon.

Monday, August 11, 2014

A few words about depression

The sad news today is Robin Williams passed away and it is likely suicide. Many people were surprised but I think anyone who has ever suffered from severe depression is saddened but not surprised. I know I wasn't.

Depression runs through my family heavily, my parents and my siblings all suffer from some form of depression and anxiety and even bipolar. The ones who got into drugs and alcohol suffer from bipolar, I did neither so I don't have that affliction.

For me depression manifests itself into deep inconsolable grieving. I suffer from it because of childhood trauma, I fought it for years and didn't know what it was until I finally agreed to take a small dose of anxiety medicine, what a difference. I didn't know what it was like not to live with a heavy cloak of anxiety and grieving and just pushed my way past it to do whatever daily things I had to do to survive.

People may not understand why a brilliant and successful man chose suicide, I think I know part of that answer and it is that you live with it everyday, you work with it, you triumph over it but it is never really gone. Eventually, you grow tired, you just get tired of fighting with it, living with it and you just want to go to sleep where there is peace and the sorrow doesn't come to you.

I know that if I didn't have the ones I love depending on me, if I didn't know that they would not survive without me that I would eventually want that sleep, to rest from the daily task that is never ending of going ahead while suffering every moment.

I also know that God has made a difference, He gives me purpose and even though I don't want to carry on anymore at times I know I must and that He will help me and He does.

I have two or three pills left of my anxiety medication and because it's been so long since I've seen my doctor I have to go to his office to get the refill. I don't have money for a doctor visit and I have applied for help through the county but that takes weeks to process. So, here I am and I go through the process of being angry with myself for letting us get into this situation and being angry for the sake of being angry. I have feelings of I just don't care anymore let it all go and just walk out and live on the street alone, truth is I'm stuck, trapped with nowhere to turn except for God. I have to trust Him that He knows and cares.

For the first time in my life I have another health issue lately and that is my stomach. I have had some real problems with it and I've been throwing up on and off and threw up some blood once. I think it is everything getting to me so I am watching what I eat and that seems to help. I don't care much about that because I can do something about it, the anxiety is a ticking time bomb, I quit taking my pills last year and went down into the pit as far as anyone has and I am not looking forward to it happening again, especially now.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Just feeling anxiety today

Yesterday I was tired, I don't really have a reason for being tired but I was and I slept for awhile in the afternoon. I woke up tired, it might be that the weather is getting hot again. I sometimes just need to shutdown for awhile to recharge mentally and maybe that's it.

I am a little panicky, I am almost out of coffee and gas for the car. I don't indulge in many things but I like coffee and I live on caffeine, we don't buy pop anymore and mostly drink juice, milk and water but I do drink coffee and it's going to be terrible without it.

I don't mind not having money except for when we don't have enough for basic needs. Of course there is the issue of having a roof over our heads and whether we loose our two horses.

Today is supposed to be a pretty hot day, I have enjoyed the milder weather and cooler nights but I am really worried about the winter. It was a very hard winter last year and I drove out late at night most nights to make sure the horses had water that wasn't frozen and some extra hay to keep their body temperatures up through the long nights.

This has been a very hard year in general and another bad winter is just overwhelming to think about. I pray it isn't as bad as last winter, it hurt a lot of animals, we lost our sweet Dusti too. Nature is tough sometimes, I love it but it's tough.  

Saturday, August 9, 2014

How things are today

I worked earlier this week but the employer I am working for as a contract underwriter has not yet completely turned me loose on my own. The process is very slow and it will cause me to loose any earnings I would have in two weeks.

The job started at the end of the pay period so I won't see any money for two weeks. I have an interview next week at a local company and I am going to try and impress them. Employers don't care about people, I will have to come across as life is great and I am the best thing since white bread.

In the meantime the internet bill is paid for, the car payment will be paid but I am one month behind, horse board is due next week and I do not have it. At the end of the month it is the phone and electric bills and they will be shut off if I don't pay.

I am mentally better than I was a week ago simply because of people helping me. I have always found a way to land on my feet but this time I haven't found a way yet and I have asked for help which is hard for me to do.

I carry on though day by day trying to deal with that particular days challenges. I know when I do get a job I am going to put money aside regardless of any demands by bill collectors or otherwise. I know I have to make plans to keep us safe if at anytime we are in a situation like this again.

One things besides savings is using some of whatever I get to help people on a monthly basis. I think it is important to give to someone else because that was God's original plan. Those of us He blesses greatly is wise to bless other's so that the Lord is glorified. It gives me great pleasure to give to someone or to a rescue to  know that someone are something will have something they need. 

God has feelings too

I thought about the past year and how good things were when I was working and I remembered the deep depression I had just before Christmas. I thought of how I wanted all of the horses to be together and I was very unhappy that Cody and Aubrey aren't here with us and boarded out. I thought about I wish I had a home with a barn instead of this big house and land with no fences.

I thought about these things again from the perspective of where we are now in our lives. I realized that all of us have a beautiful home and even though the two bigger horses aren't here now they are very well taken care of where they are at. I also thought about horses that aren't so fortunate. I thought about how fortunate the two little horses are with what I have been able to fence in for them. They have fresh grass a place to be free and not stalled up all of the time. Kylie and the dogs and parrots like this home and they are all safe.

Depression is a powerful affliction, some of what I went through during this time was thoughts of being a failure and not feeling as if I deserved to live.

I prayed to God recently and apologized for not being thankful. I thanked Him for the life He has given me and his Mercy and kindness. I felt the thoughts I had in my depression hurt God's feelings. I felt this strongly because He has done good by us but I wasn't thankful. I took for granted His care for me and that He included all of which I love the most, He has provided for me and Kylie and all of my animals.

I felt things change immediately after this prayer and He restored my hope. I love the Lord and I am sad that I did not think of Him and that is wrong whether it be the Creator of the world or a person or animal friend. I am happy that He instructs me even now on being a better person.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Swimming against the current

Trying not to get swept under is hard and the effort to keep above water can't be stopped for a moment. I have a headache today, I've been staring at documents for hours trying to work as fast as I can. I was able to work this week as a contract underwriter but it is per loan that I am paid. I am still overdrawn on my account so what little I made won't benefit us this week.

I don't have any other sources of income right now at all. Next week is going to be even more difficult for us. I continue to pray and have faith in God. 

Monday, August 4, 2014

Monday, a horrible day

I got a call from my landlord this morning a 8 am. Terrified I didn't answer the phone and then he texted me. I told him I would call him today or tomorrow to talk, I am in a state of panic and am working on getting up the courage to call him and give him an update.

Last I spoke with him I had the contract job which I still do but there has been now work for the last two weeks and that means no money and no idea when the situation will change. I know I will have to decide what will happen next.

Applied for many jobs over the weekend but is it too late for anything that will save our lives here and where we will live. 

Sunday, August 3, 2014

It would be a perfect day

Today would have been perfect if it weren't for the huge pendulum swinging over me now of will we survive this month. Kylie and I walked the flea market this morning mainly for exercise. Usually we find something great there and usually don't buy anything but it is still exciting. Today was we found nothing of real interest, there is a greenhouse seller there that has terrific flowers and are very low priced but you can't buy things in our situation. I still enjoyed walking around and the sun was behind the clouds and it was cool.

I am behind on my school work this week because my mind and energy is somewhere else right now. I doubt if I will be able to continue school because family trumps all else but I do need to finish these classes with as high a grade as possible. I've managed to stay around -A in all except Medical Ethics which was an excruciating class to be in and I hadn't written a research paper before. I still managed a b+ though.

I have a wonderful friend in British Columbia that messages me daily and keeps my spirits up and I try to stay positive.

I still have the same resolve as yesterday, I will be working on selling some things this week and looking deeper for options I would not have wanted to consider like jobs in a different state. A person I admire gave me advise when we lost the farm and that was that what matters is you are all still together, that is what is important and you have each other. He was right because my life really is the ones I love and nothing else.

I know too that I matter to my daughter and to my surrogate family of animals. There have been times through the years I have asked God why he let me live (I should have died as an infant) and that was a gross slap in the face to God, I have spilled the milk many times and for most of my life felt like a total misfit but there are ones that need me and ones I have made a difference to and that is something to make you want to embrace life and be thankful for.  

A hopeless romantic

People that know me would never guess I am a hopeless romantic, I am to the bone. I have crazy dreams of everyone and everything being good for the most part. I always believe good triumphs over evil and although when I loose my temper and really say pretty blunt things it's because deep down I am hurt. There were very cruel people in my life as a child and to this day I still love them and pray that they are well and happy, I know they have not thought of me since my mother passed away.

I have been through many things especially since Kylie was born and I carried the torch of hope through it all. I've ruined my health, disappointed people, did many things that were humiliating and let people down. No one  or at least most people don't start out with the intention of hurting people or disappointing them, worse still a person can make many mistakes and sometimes life limits a persons choices and you just try to make the best of them.

One huge obstacle for me has been the isolation in my life. I was not raised by my biological family, I was not wanted in my adopted family except by my mother who raised me alone in poverty. When she passed away there was nothing left to build on, no support system and my ex-husband made sure I was not welcome in his family.

All these years I've worked a full-time job raising Kylie except when we were on the farm and the past few months. I never had time to bond with other parents most of which were married and had no concept of what our lives were like.

My biological father who is very wealthy has made a lifetime career of destroying each and every one of his seven children. I have been able to escape their fate because I have chosen to set boundaries with him and I don't play along with him because I know he has money. At this point only one of my siblings even speaks to him and that is for the sake of my other siblings, she loves him but he is toxic and so she does the best she can.

Tonight some realities hit me and hit me hard, asking people for money isn't going to work for me. I told myself it was for the ones I love but things are critical and this is the second time I have had to face this situation in three years. People always say to me, you will be okay it will all workout. I think they say this because it always has and because I've faced it and come through it and many other hard things. I am glad they have faith in me because I sure don't. Next year I will be 50 and I tell you I am getting tired, I don't have the strength and courage I had before. I want to give up and let it all go, that means death to me, in my heart.

I have very little of value in possessions except two things, an antique saddle and my mother's little ring with some tiny diamonds in it meant for Kylie. I know mom would want me to sell it if it came down to something that we needed. I won't get much for either item but whatever I get it will help.

Kylie wants so badly to go to the school in this county because of a special program. If I accepted a job out of state we would be fine and there are plenty out there I could qualify for and make good money. I may have to figure out a way to get a job as far as Columbus or I may have to just take whatever wherever and pull her out to keep us all together.

I don't know what the answer is and I've prayed my heart out for one. I know that I can trust God and I will not waiver from that belief. Outside of my faith in God I know I must face some very ugly things very soon and I will have to do it alone. If I don't we will be homeless soon and the animals especially the horses will have to be given up.

My Cody, mom bought him for me 18 years ago the one time she had money and she said it was to make up for all the things I didn't have as a child. Cody is twenty now, I went to see him this evening and it's tough when you know were things are headed.

I am preparing myself for this, school can no longer be a priority for me I most likely will have to drop it. I really believe a college degree is not in the cards for me. I need to get things in order here and Monday I must start out putting things in place, I am not sure what will happen next but I must set my mind to doing everything and anything I can.

This gives me more peace than asking for help, the only thing worse than asking for help is being rejected, I have had a lifetime of rejection I can do without it now. 

Saturday, August 2, 2014

The most caring and considerate

There is nothing more caring and considerate beings on earth sometimes than our animal friends. When I really down sometimes the only thing I can do is lay down and go to sleep, my dogs stay with me at times like this and sensing how I feel offer their best in way of comfort, many times I have needed their love and comfort through times that seemed unbearable. Since this is the second time our lives have been thrown into uncertainty in three years there have been some real hard days and nights of worry.

I try to maintain normal sleeping hours most of the time, the same as if I were working and I have one special little helper for that, Cooper my Sheltie. He makes sure I wake up on time, I use my phone for an alarm but Cooper is way more effective. He will sneeze, scratch, pace and bark on time every morning until I get up. Occasionally, and especially if it is to early Micah my Collie mix will intervene and keep Cooper away until it is the time to get up. I always wake up with Daniel my Golden laying as close as possible against my back quietly snuggling up to me as Golden's love to do.

When I get up the two parrots that we have are on alert for breakfast. Nana and Lokie like to be pet first and then get their nutritious food, the one with all the vitamins they need for the day and then regular bird food mainly seeds next. Nana will remind me if I don't do this right away, sometimes nicely by talking and sometimes turning her volume up.

Nana will be quiet for the rest of the morning until she hears Kylie stir and then she lets loose until Kylie acknowledges her but if she thinks Kylie is sleeping she doesn't make a peep.

I let the ponies out every morning and before the run out into the field to eat Pony always walks up to me and puts his head in my chest for a petting and then he goes.  All of them know when things are going well, I suppose they are attune to our moods and behavior but they never fail to try and lift our spirits in some way.

Animals are compassionate and always happy, of course the key to their happiness is that they get to be with us and of course there's food and water. Their needs though are simple and they enjoy each moment.

Special thanks to the Cooper Alarm Clock company thought for always being on the job!


Friday, August 1, 2014

My Birthday

Today started out as a very interesting day, it started early and last night was a very late night. I spent my night applying for jobs and trying to think of ways to keep us going until I get a job. My first call this morning was with legal aide, I am going to need some help with the collectors that are hounding me, yes they hound even when you have no income.

The second call was from a very nice reporter from Huffington Post, we talked on the phone several times this week, he was waiting for the unemployment figures to be released to the news to publish his story. I was able to contribute and he used some of my thoughts in his story. Sadly, this nice man informed me that he has done many stories on the topic and people are no longer interested. He also said that based on percentages over 9 million people are still unemployed. There is a great deal of suffering in this country, all around us but no one is interested anymore.

I set up a gofundme.com account at a suggestion of a couple of friends, one of them donated, the one who just a few months ago lost her home. Another friend I've known for a long time and who has a large family and many rescue animals stopped by to share her families groceries with us. These groceries are better than we would have bought for ourselves and she gave us enough to get us through two weeks.

Lastly, a person I have never met and lives in another country who is also a single parent and on disability who is my good friend because we talk to each other everyday on the internet and try to be a comfort to each other sent me help. I ask her not to but she knows first hand what we are going through and also the years of stress and struggle that we have been through and she said she couldn't stand by and not help in some way.

I feel new strength today because of the people who have cared what happens to us, more than anything that is the best part about being in this situation. Many people go through similar things, worse things and when they do they become more complete as people. They take what God has given them and they bless other's with it, that is the beauty of Christ of God as it was intended to be. How fortunate I am to have been the recipient of this marvelous gift from God.

I honestly didn't think anyone would step up and help for two reasons, things are so very tough for people and people don't want to get involved or even maybe they think I am some kind of con artist. I'm really sorry for anyone in any of these categories, you know all this time while I've been on unemployment if God gave me an opportunity to give a few dollars here or there I did, I never told anyone except Kylie.

It has been a good birthday, I've spent it with the ones I love. I will continue to mine for jobs and keep pushing as hard as I can to get one, I will try my best to keep my classes up which is truly difficult right now because my mind is on other things and I will do my best to love and cherish my little family for as long as we are all together.

It's hard to believe we've had to go through this for a second time in three years, it's not like I haven't been tempted to say Lord why, I have but although I haven't heard an answer yet I don't feel alone or forsaken.

So, happy birthday to me and God bless everyone and there families.