Tiger Lilly

I found a tiny kitten in an old barn 19 years ago, her mother had been killed on the road. I picked her up and took her home, she was very small and sickly, I named her Tiger Lilly.

This week I had to make a very difficult decision, Tiger has been failing for awhile, she ate ravenously but kept loosing weight. Tiger Lilly was as sharp as ever but she was incontinent and was becoming a little skeleton.  I knew she could not be feeling well, I knew she would just keep going no matter what though.

I thought with the warmer weather she would still like to go outside, that I would just wait until I knew it was time. I let her out for a little while and I looked out my office window, I saw her outside but she looked so frail, so unhappy, always hungry.

I knew the situation would continue and get worse with every day that passed, I hate having to make a decision to end a life, I absolutely hate it. I realized when I saw her from my window that I would have to love her now more than ever and end the suffering for her.

Tiger Lilly had an accident when she was a couple of years old, she ran under the pony and it cracked her skull, her eyes crossed and stayed that way for a year. In those days I didn't have the money to rush her to the emergency hospital, I called the vet and he advised that I should keep ice on her head to relieve the pressure and wait and see. I held ice bags on her little head for hours, she survived.

Tiger Lilly moved with us wherever we went, she never ran away, she always stuck close to me, she lived mostly outside but she knew where she belonged.

19 years is a long time, she stuck to me like glue all those years, and she was very sweet but she was tough. Tiger was smaller than most cats and for some reason she wasn't liked by most other cats. Nothing stopped her though, she kept living and going.

The day the vet came I held her close to me, she was so emaciated but regardless she purred and she rubber her little face against mine. I ask the vet to come to the farm, I didn't want her to pass in an office and have to go through the stress of being in a crate and transported.

The vet gave her a shot to make her sleep first, of course she refused to go to sleep and she was mad she got a shot, she was feisty even at the end. My heart was torn to pieces but I held her and the vet gave her more of a sedative and then the final shot,

Tiger will be cremated and return home, her ashes will be placed in the cabinet that hold my three dogs ashes and our ponies ashes. When I pass I will be cremated and all of us will be placed in the soil together. 

Many memories have come flooding back that Tiger Lilly was a part of. I had her all of her life and a huge part of mine. It is never easy to decide when it is the right time, there are always doubts and guilt. I can only say I knew could not turn away from it, there was no way to allow the suffering any longer. 

-Tiger Lilly, you were a sweet and precious little girl. No matter what  you loved me, you always loved me. I love you very much and although your body could no longer go on, your little soul can and I hope you will always be near and someday I will see you again.

Time just flew

I haven't signed in for awhile but didn't realize it has been almost a year. Last spring, summer and fall were dominated by my job, I worked long hours for months. We are busy again even with the virus that has shut many businesses down.

Having a farm and all the animals and working full-time is a real challenge,  of course my heart is in the farm but I have a lot of mouths to feed. My brother moved out in March which made things a little easier, he wasn't the neatest person and sometimes made more work for me. I love my brother but I don't necessarily want him to live here.

My brother moved back to Cleveland where he has more access to the things and services he needs, living out here a way from everything wasn't the best thing for him either.

All of the animals are doing well, the barn cats keep having kittens. I have caught as many as I can and taken them to spay and neuter places but right now there are no clinics that will do it for a reduced price or if the cats are trapped. I expect there will be more kittens soon, I have been able to finds homes for some but it is still an ongoing problem.

Last summer we ended up with cats that were feral but being fed by a neighbor and they had kittens and the neighbors moves so the Mommas brought them here, one momma is a little crippled cat, she only has three legs. We bottle fed 2 of crippled momma's kittens because she couldn't care for all of hers, one kitten made it and one did not. I never can not grieve when life is lost, it hurt a lot to loose that little one.

It was a mild winter, we really didn't get the freeze we normally do and the animals outside and nature bounce back and forth trying to adjust. Spring is early and the farm is changing to a sleeping landscape to a lush, budding green one.

The fish are up in the pond and hungry, I have started feeding them already. During the winter months I miss their little faces, I am still waiting for the snapping turtles to reappear. The geese have spend most of the winter on the pond since it hadn't frozen for very long this winter.

My mind is clearer now that spring has come and I have more time alone to contemplate things. I have decided to work on my animal communication skills. I have known for a long time that I could communicate with animals through feelings and seeing pictures and just knowing things. I haven't tried it with anyone else's animals but I am certain now I can do it with my own.

I am not sure where this will lead other than bring me closer to my own animals, I miss Daniel too and think of him every day, I am hoping that I will be able to connect with him in some way.