Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Nana on Facebook

Nana's Facebook page and other news updates

Nana finally got her own Facebook page called Nana's Universe- world wasn't big enough for her it had to be universe, silly bird. I have started documenting her craziness now for her Facebook page.

I am still feeling bad about the horses not being home, I am really focusing on finding a way to fix that, I guess I've made up my mind what I want for my future. I have to admit when I see people working with animals I start to miss what I did, not all of it of course but somethings that were really good.

The week has gone by really quick and this weekend I will be working to get things done outside. My work at my job comes first during the week, then the horses that are boarded.

I called the career center today and Kylie and I talked to the administration office, next year she will be taking some courses there. It will be good for her to take advantage of some of her programs to help bolster her for a future in college. She also needs to get out into the world more and may elect to go full time there next year.

She is worried about what she wants to do for her career, she has a lot of interests and talents and it can be overwhelming. I always tell her the most important thing is to be a good person, do the right thing, and live a good life. I know she will choose a good career and hopefully one that she will enjoy and of course have security. 

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Hard to type with a cut finger

I reached in the drawer for a spoon and ended up cutting my finger on a sharp blade, it stopped bleeding but it's going to be touchy for a couple of days.

This weekend was a productive one, I did sleep a lot yesterday, just tired but today I worked outside all day. I mowed everything and cleaned up the garden and picked beans, got a whole pot full. They are pole beans so I had to string and snap them, they are cooking now with bacon grease, the old fashioned way.

I pulled apart the swing set and found a bunch of bees nests, didn't get stung but I will have to spray it before I can finish taking it apart and getting rid of it. The ground is as hard as rock with no rain. We sure need some for a few days to set things right.

Kylie moved the fence for the ponies so they have more grass through the fall, I mowed where they grazed before and cleaned it up. We have huge white pumpkins growing in the pasture where we threw out some parrot bird seed, they are really something.

I guess I've been pretty depressed the past few weeks, I finally realized it is because I am not living on a farm. I don't know if I'll put a barn here or not, or in 3 or 4 years when things are better, buy a little farm and this time the right one and it will be the way I have always wanted it to be. I can't give up my dream or I just can't go on.

Cody got a pretty bad bite or scrape this weekend being out with several other horses, he is getting old and it hurts me deeply that I don't have him home for him to live out his years in peace. All the hard work and care for other senior horses for their owners and poor Cody, it isn't fair.

I prayed about it and I leave it to God, I know things will turn out the right way, I don't know how exactly but I know I can trust God. 

Sunday, August 18, 2013

A nice family weekend

Saturday I did something I used to love to do, I went fishing. My brother came down just to go fishing and he and I and Kylie went and spent a few hours at Spencer Lake. He caught two little fish and Kylie and I barely got a nibble but it was still peaceful and relaxing. The water was smooth and sparkling, there were little birds and wildlife all around. It wasn't too hot, it was just right.

Today was the horses day. We groomed them, played with the and rode them. Of course they got treats and that was the excitement for them. It was a little humid and they were feeling kind of lazy. We put a PVC pipe down and they both jumped it. Cody used to love to jump and once he got started he seemed to enjoy it. It felt good and afterwards we took them outside for a few minutes before we quit for the day.

I forget how to have fun instead of working all the time and that's not good for anyone. It was a good weekend and I was really happy to spend real family time with Uncle Gregg and Kylie. 

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Trails, the horror of the shower and flat pennies

Kylie and I took a really short trail ride but it was great. Cody led, the barn owner followed on foot with her horse (he wasn't accustomed to trails at all and then Aubrey. We hit a little path that wound up a little through the trees and there were things scattered around. Cody walked straight that and through the mud and Aubrey danced around them but he did well. I am so proud of Cody, he would have went anywhere and led the other horses or gone on alone like the old days. He loves trails and I know he has perked up since we have started them.

Nana's white feathers were looking pretty dingy and her spray bottle broke. She was being pretty load the past few days and cranky so Kylie decided it was time for a shower. Nana is not a big fan of water or baths. I have a walk in shower with glass doors and it is a good thing to have when a large parrot doesn't like water. Nana wrapped in a towel was set down in the shower with the shower head laying on the floor and the door promptly closed. Nana climbed half way up the door and Kylie opened it grabbed the shower head and let the water (on low) flow over Nana.

Nana didn't get mad but did want out so after being affronted with a good soaking, Kylie slid the door open and she walked out on her own into a towel. The sunroom is hot in the day time and we put her out there on a nice perch and she enjoyed the sun and preening.  Her feather's are still a little gray on the top of her head but the rest of her body and skin looks much better, her white feathers are pure white and fluffy like they should be. She preened with the oil gland at the base of her tail getting them all in order. She is a tropical bird and should be bathed regularly, especially when it is hot weather. Tomorrow she may get another round to get her head completely clean. We both love her so, she is precious except her cage is next to the fridge and she is always trying to see over the fridge door to see what comes out, she has a veracious appetite.

Today we went to the railroad tracks and collected the pennies Kylie and her friends had put on the track a few days ago, the kids get such a kick out of the flat pennies. We collected some firewood for the fire pit and had a little fire this evening too. The yard work is getting caught up and the dishes are getting unpacked slowly. Next the rest of the books and pictures and we'll be done with getting the garage cleared out.

Tomorrow is the last day of my vacation, there were good days and bad days. I did get a chance to rest and to enjoy the house some, I also had some time to think and process. I have to say the best thing I did was spend the afternoon at the barn and riding Cody. It just helped me as I sorely miss the barn and having the horses at home. I miss the lifestyle and even though this place is awesome, the house and all, my soul pines for a farm and the horses just the same. 

Monday, August 5, 2013

Absolute joy

One of the few pleasures in my life that I truly feel relaxing is fishing. It's not catching fish that I love, it's sitting on the banks of the water watching the water and the little bobber swishing up and down on the little waves while the fish tease and nip at the bait.

We stopped by Spencer Lake today on the way to see the horses, it was beautiful and peaceful. I will be fishing there soon. It's a welcome recreation for me. It is a close get away from responsibility, cleaning, working and a cluttered mind full of daily worries.


Sunday, August 4, 2013

A peaceful Sunday

I got up around 8 this morning, Cooper had to potty and woke me up and so I stayed up. I relaxed for awhile and watched a movie and then decided to run up to the flea market. We walked around and looked, there were some things I was tempted to buy but didn't. I found an old book for a $1.

I have a small collection of older editions of books like Ben Hur, The Robe, The Keys to the Kingdom and I found a copy of Gone with The Wind. Books, are a treasure, I have bought and sold old books over the years, beautiful old books.

I came home and just relaxed and enjoyed the house and later in the afternoon we went to the barn and rode the horses. Cody wasn't really in the mood, he was tired and he stopped at the gate every time we passed it. I am hoping tomorrow to ride him outside as he will like that a great deal more and maybe we'll do a short trail ride.

When we came home I finished mowing and sprayed weeds. I ate a couple of ripe blackberries growing in the yard and a tomato, there's nothing that can compare with fresh food grown at home. I really don't have that much left to do outside, I'll clean up the garden tomorrow and get started on the garage.

In between the little things that need to be done I hope to have pleasure in just relaxing and clearing my thoughts and mind, taking time for myself and getting into a healthier routine. It doesn't sound like much fun but it's what I need to do, I guess it's my down time and a way to reset myself. 

Saturday, August 3, 2013

A productive Saturday

I don't want to waste any time while I am off, I started today in the yard with some trimming and I mixed up some more weed killer. This week it took me three days to find the right belt for the mower but I found it and John the neighbor put it on. I hadn't been able to mow grass in a week and was really frustrated as I am OCD about it.

I cut grass after the belt was replaced and all is right with the world. I got grocery shopping out of the way, cut some more grass and went to see the horses. A friend gave us a big bag of really good treats and the horses were delighted.

I trimmed out the strawberry bed as the plants are just so think and growing out of the above ground bed, we had a couple of apples on a young apple tree and some huge blackberries on our bush. I will have to tie up the blackberry bush as it has grown too big and also clean up the garden there's weeds and beans growing wildly.

We dumped the bedding from the birds and bunnies in one spot last year and now we have what I believe a huge pumpkin vine growing which should be interesting. I have plenty more trimming and cutting to do, I really cut into the huge pussy willow bushes because I couldn't mow close enough, I trimmed then I will spray around them so I don't have to trim every week.

Tonight I hit the yellow jacket nest that is between the house and the chimney, they've managed to find a hole in the mortar and have found their way into the house. I foamed them tonight with a big can of spray and temporarily plugged the hole, I will fix it permanently this week. I will also spray the nest from the other side some night this week.

We have a lot of clover here and I see honey bees all of the time, I am delighted and I will never treat the lawn because honey bees are so important. I wish I knew someone who was a bee keeper, I'd let them set up a bee hive here at the back of the property.

I look forward to working outside tomorrow and I will take a break and maybe go for a ride on Cody. I hope the weather stays the way it is now, it will be a nice end of the summer if it does. 

Oh Happy Day

I'm off for a week,  a long week in the coming. Since starting back to work in June last year I faced losing the farm, being dragged into court and fighting with the people I leased the farm from, had to go to Philadelphia for a whole month and then coming home and having one weekend to pack and move everything. The following Monday going back to work, Kylie started school and our whole lives were scattered everywhere.

The next six months were hell with working overtime commuting 2 hours a day and Kylie suffering from an extreme depression. Going through Mare Girls horrible death a month after we moved and having to endure the barn manager being thrown out of her stable and moving with her to a new one which just after moving and going through the same we had to help her and then face months of frustration and listening to the same financial issues we had suffered before.

The long winter, going to Colorado for two weeks in February, more court fights then finally, I started working from home, and the case was dropped. All these months still trying to mop our other financial issues, working through things with Kylie and maintaining the home, land and animals.

Okay so I am whooped, I just want to take a deep breath and stop for a moment and get my head and life clear. I want to focus on actually enjoying this new home, getting myself cleaned up and in a better routine. Just stop for a few days and see that I am in a better place, a better life, take the battle gear and the armour off and just be a human, a woman, like everyone else.

Kylie went to the fair last night with a friend and her family, I was invited but I just felt to tired and sick to go. I'm glad I didn't, she had a great time and actually ended up walking past her dad who she hasn't seen since almost a year. Kylie as she walked out the door all fixed up looked more like a woman than a child. Betty at the Oaks has been working with Kylie through all of the horror of the previous year, the loss of the farm, a home, the abandonment by her father and Mare Girl passing. She looked so happy and confident last night. I thanked God that she had come through a stronger person with her thoughts confident and happy.

Kylie's dad changed jobs last year and failed to inform the child support bureau, being that we had just moved and everything was so tough I wasn't happy even though it's only $250 a month which really only paid for the horse he gave her, food and board. It's never really been enough to take care of Kylie but I refuse to fight for something that a father should feel compelled to do for his child. It's on his head right or wrong. Because he didn't want to face me over the child support he just dropped off the planet basically, leaving Kylie without an explanation. He wouldn't return her calls, she needed him when Mare Girl died, she just needed him.

It was months before child support was paid again because I called the child support bureau to find out what was going on and enough payments had been missed for them to take action. I will say had I not been given a raise after a few months and then getting an even better paying job I would of had to pursue the money and more or we would not have made it. God provided though and so it wasn't necessary. It's interesting but if he would have paid the amount based on his wages all along we probably wouldn't have lost the farm, but... I won't sell my daughter for money, again it's falls on his head.

The most important thing though is even though I would have been very frustrated with him I would have never interfered with his seeing Kylie, I would have supported it because she is more important than anything. The fool, the pitiful fool, if he had just talked with me about it and stayed close to Kylie. Now it's too late, Kylie survived the horrible hurt and although it still hurts she has made her peace with it, and she's moved on. Although she may see her father in the future it won't be the same for her, she knows that she doesn't deserve to be hurt, she deserves much better, she has learned to protect her heart. I feel pity for him, he missed the beauty of his daughter growing into a young lady. All of the girls he's sponsored in showing etc. but his very own little girl he's missed, dismissed, abandoned, marginalized, and rejected.

The girls all call him dad, he buys them things because they show, he's adopted one (not legally) as his daughter and displayed her to Kylie when they spent some time together. How cruel to pierce a child's heart so casually. I often thought how ignorant it all was, did the thought ever occur to him that these young girls had their own fathers, and even the one he adopted, he ran her real father off for being a loser. He ran him off but abandoned his own child, is he really better than the girls father? Didn't he realize that these other girl's parents bought them things, that they had grandparents, and people who took care of them. Did it never occur to him that his own daughter had none of those things, that in struggling through the farm that his own daughter went hungry, lost her home, did without so much at times and did so alone except for me.

There are medical bills still unpaid, they are supposed to be paid by him but I will pay them. Kylie's dad has never taken her to the doctor, never showed up at the emergency room when he should have, the things he has done he feels she owes him something for, that she owes him. Did it never occur to him that children don't choose to be born, that they come into this world at the mercy of world. What does she owe him? Must a child repay a parent for the right to live or does a parent have a responsibility to care for that life by providing the very basics? Should Kylie repay him for being partially responsible for bringing her into the world and unfortunately having needs in order to continue living.

I have a wonderful daughter, for all the hard times, the years of struggling alone, I have a wonderful daughter. I'm the one blessed, there is no monetary amount that can be traded for that, I'm rich. I am happy that the years of threats and intimidation are over, that I am free, I've raised a fine daughter and I can forgive, forget and get on with life. God has been a good Father and Husband, He has provided and I thank Him for it. 

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Honoring your mother and your father - and it's my birthday

Today is my birthday, no plans to celebrate but I got a lot of well wishers on Facebook, it means a lot to me to see friends post.

I was thinking this morning about some kids I've know that talk to their mothers like they were dirt, that bothers me. Then I realized the commandment of honoring your parents and thought about my adopted mom and family. I've talked badly about them because I suffered some pretty bad stuff from them as a child but... I love my mom so much, I know and it needs to be said, that she did the best she could and many things I suffered were because of circumstances she could not change. A large part was caused by my birth parents, then the extreme poverty and the generation gap. She was born in 1919, she had a rough life herself, she also had old ways of thinking and was very naive about somethings.

It wasn't her fault that her grown birth children hated and resented me either. They also,  in spite of their feelings took care of me when they had to and I should be grateful because gratitude and being thankful is what God expects of me regardless of the bad so I am blessed and not bitter.

My mom loved me more than anyone besides God, she felt guilty about what I endured and later in life tried to make it up to me. She found new respect for me and was the best grandmother to Kylie that any child could have, she mourned having to leave Kylie because she had cancer and she was 83 and knew her time with Kylie would be short.

All parents make mistakes, they don't intentionally mean to hurt us, and maybe some do like my birth parents who are still vicious to me and my birth siblings but they are an exception and not the majority of parents.

My adopted mother deserves honor because she made me strong, she is responsible for the parent I am today by learning from the mistakes, to be loyal and committed and to protect my child with my life. She taught me to work hard by example, to love God and that He is able to hear me and respond.

My mom taught me the value of cleanliness, healthy food, and even with very little you can live a clean and moral life. The people around us growing up were in poverty, they lived in filth and acted like filth but my mom refused to do the same. Our home was always presentable, always clean and guests were welcome and we shared what little things we had, especially good food.

My mom taught me to endure the hardships of life, she taught me to tolerate pain physically and to keep going, Moms words were you have to just get up and keep going no matter what. She did, she worked herself into the grave taking care of everyone except herself.

I have prayed about my birth parents which I feel don't fall under the honor thy parents commandment simply because they are not anything to me except the physical event of being born. Prior to birth I wasn't wanted nor welcome and afterwards there has been nothing but more of the same.

My grandfather, my adopted mother's dad was and is the person I love more than anyone besides Kylie. I honor him everyday, I would almost do anything to see him only for a moment. My love for him is as strong as it was when I was a child, when we were together. I still feel peace and security thinking about him, he was my anchor in a terrible storm of childhood. Tears are flowing down my face now just thinking about him and the long road I have walked without him.

My mom and I had a special relationship, we quarreled a good part of the time when I grew up, normal quarreling, not with anger and hate but just two strong headed individuals hacking out life. In spite of my stubborn ways and the mistakes I made myself she loved me as a mother and honored me. She always sent me flowers on my birthday because she thought I deserved them.

She bought Cody years ago to make up for my lost childhood, she wanted me to have one dream, one thing she couldn't give me as a child. She didn't know the gift she gave me of my beloved grandfather and the strength and perseverance she instilled in me, those gifts are priceless.

I have not seen my adopted family since my mom's death, it has been a hard road raising a child without family. Dave persecuted us for years before he moved on and stopped. I never pursued support on the level I should have from him because he would take it out on Kylie. There were times where I didn't know how we were going to survive and the work at home and on a job and balancing Kylie's care and the threats from employers when she was sick and I had to stay home with her.

No, many years were tough, even ugly, it's taken it's tole on me physically for sure but I never gave up, I never quiet, I never turned my back on God. Kyie is a good daughter, I have raised her without drugs and alcohol and strange men being around, I've fought to give her all I could and will continue to do so. I have brought us before the Lord so that she can see where to find strength and help, I have given God the Glory when He has brought us through so she can see He is real and His hand is upon us. She must always have Him to turn to when I am gone, she must always remember for that is her birthright, and her inheritance.

And so, I honor my mom today by all that I have said, I honor her with Kylie and all that was passed down to me and that I have tried to pass down to Kylie.

Mom, I love you as a child loves their mother, with all my heart and I haven't forgotten your love, your kindness and sacrifice. Your sacrifices have not gone unnoticed, your love not in vain. You saved my life and gave me a future, a legacy and broken the generational curse of my birth family, you healed the broken heart of a child, tried to replace the incredible loss of a mother and father, God Bless you mom.