Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Oh My

The week before Christmas was pretty dismal, I was down a bit which happens to people around the holidays. I had friends that tried to lift me up and by Christmas day I was better. A friend left some gift cards, cash and cookies at my door Christmas eve, a friend of Kylie's came and brought us each a present because there was no tree and no presents, he even brought the dogs some toys. I did manage to buy 3 dog toys at the dollar store and two people brought them treats. Kylie had gone to a friends Christmas party and so she did get a couple of gifts for Christmas. My brother brought food for me to cook and gave Kylie a little cash.

Christmas isn't about gifts or money or even a tree, I didn't feel bad about those things but I worry about my little family. I am working but the job is commission and the real estate market is the slowest during this time of the year which equals barely enough to keep the lights on and partial payments on everything else.

My dad came to dinner and behaved, offered to help and when I called him up yesterday he told me what a looser I was basically and that was that. I didn't take it too hard as I have had to deal with him many years and I no longer take to heart his berating.  My other friend came to dinner and I had a good visit with him.

Kylie was sick Christmas day, her hard drive crashed on her computer the day after Christmas so I guess that was the worst thing, I can't replace it and I so she is very depressed. She doesn't have much and loosing the computer was a big deal especially when she needs it for school.

I talked to Kylie's father who's life is up side down right now, there is nothing he is willing to do really and you know I get mad thinking she is a good person and has gotten straight A's at school and it counts for nothing. I hate asking for help because really a parent either cares or they don't but I try to ask for Kylie's sake. It is pointless to explain that it should be asked for but given because that is being a parent but oh well.

The weather was nice for December and thank goodness not too cold as that would stress us even more, we have a small supply of wood and propane. The animals are all okay, it's hard to not think about having to give them up, I have managed to avoid it this long but can only pray that things will get better after the holidays.

Today I seem to have more fight and drive and that is good, I will start the week out tomorrow with working on ideas and ways to increase my income and go from there. 

Monday, December 8, 2014

Parenthood

I really never had a very good example of a parent in my life as a child, my biological parents had six children and didn't feel any responsibility to any of us. We did not bring ourselves into this world and we weren't born adults so we all needed the same any newborn to adulthood person needs from their parents. My parents decided to abandon us all, I was the youngest. God planted me into another person's life who tried to provide some care to me, unfortunately she had her own issues and three grown children that resented me until her death and I have not seen them since her funeral, I was 36 years old. The only stable, unconditional love I knew as a child was from an adopted grandfather. He was stable, strong, protective and very sweet, he gave me all he could to help me survive the life I was born into, when I was 10 years old he passed away at 92.

I never realized what a child should have and what a child needed until I had a baby. When I knew I was going to have a baby from that moment on I was a parent, every decision I made about my health and my life was made with that thought in mind. It is the same even to today.

I stopped living for myself and never looked back, my life became the sole caregiver, the provider, and protector of my daughter. I was determined not to be like my parents or the caregivers I had endured as a child. I read books, I talk to counselors, I let my natural nurturing instincts guide me. It was very hard to do it and her father didn't make it any easier, the reason why was he never once thought about her, whatever he did or has ever done has to benefit him in someway, he himself did not have great parents and unfortunately he never recovered from it. I think of him as a lost soul now that Kylie is older, he doesn't have any real idea of what a parent is or that children are not pawns, chattels, or tools to manipulate others.

Children are helpless when they are born, they are at the world's mercy, they are brought into this world by grownups and we are responsible for them, when someone truly loves their child then they do things for the sake of love. A child does not run up a bill with a parent for receiving the care a parent is obligated to give and we are obligated.  We as parents owe our children love, food, shelter and all basic primary needs at the very least and over and above that a chance in life, education, anything that can help them to grow up, be independent, successful and most importantly, good people with good hearts and character.

It has been a long hard road without an extended family, no grandparents or aunts and uncles except my step brother Greg to help all these years. I've been all these things to the best of my ability to Kylie, I have always felt sad that in that respect she couldn't have had more.

This past year Kylie has gone without many things, she is strong and accepts it, she knows that whatever happens we go through it together as we always had. She has a bright future for school and college now with her tuition pretty much guaranteed. She will need a car which I have no way of getting for her but hopefully that will come when she starts her internship. I had such worry and guilt over how I would get her through college but God has provided.

It has also been hard not being able to share with family or her dad her accomplishments. I have tried to share them but it seems not to matter to him very much, he does not share my pride in her. Over the years there have been many people and children Kylie's dad has given money to, bought things for because of horses, because he had an agenda and I feel he has been used and used others.

It saddens me to know that Kylie has been passed over by her dad, that she hasn't been loved for who she is and punished for not earning or doing things in order to receive what a parent should naturally do. In fact, Kylie has said many times, I wish I could have things but I don't feel right about using my dad. She knows she could do what he wants and go along with things as other people have and get things and money from him but in her heart she knows that is wrong.

The truly sad thing is that love, to be truly loved and cherished by her dad would mean more than anything to Kylie. She has been hurt and disappointed many times by him and so she is not willing to take another chance because she can't endure being hurt again. She also wants to be loved as she is for the sake of love, it is a tragedy when someone feels they must earn love instead of receiving it as a gift.

I will never fully understand parents who withhold their love, leave their children or fail to put them first. My own is included in that puzzle, it is like some people are born with something lacking or void in their souls that they can't capture and they never realize how they destroy children instead of completing the gift of life to them after they are physically born. Children who have suffered abandonment or are unwanted start dying inside from the moment they are born a little each day, some manage to press on and make the best of it like myself and some are consumed by it to point where they no longer want themselves.

If there is one thing that I feel I did to help Kylie it is that I wanted her, I wanted her from the very moment I knew of her. I love her very much as she is and what she has given me in return is her love which I needed very much. When Kylie was born and I held her for the first time she grabbed my finger and held it and looked right into my eyes and that was the first time I had a flesh and blood bond with another human being.

I'm tired tonight with worry about making it and keeping it all going but writing my feelings down and realizing how grateful I am for the privilege of being a mother it all feels better now.  

Sunday, December 7, 2014

The Holidays

I have fallen behind on updating my blog, today is a good day to write about the past month or so. My job is a great job but I have not taken any loan applications. I have been busy networking and talking to people but it takes time to make the connections and this is the time of year when things slow down. With that said, my employer is very supportive and understanding of the situation, I was apprehensive at first going into sales but now I know I love it because I am out and about meeting different people and learning about them. I am the president of the Working Women's Connection in Montrose which I have never experienced before but the cool part of it is that I meet interesting and independent business women, I kind of feel at home. I also have made connections with the Medina County Chamber of Commerce and I also go to open houses and get to see amazing houses. I meet people at breakfasts and at lunch and evening meetings at different venues. Different situations arise where I can help people and they can help me. I am not tied down to a desk all day which I hate and has caused me health problems and extreme stress.

If I can continue what I am doing till spring, I should start getting referrals and things will look a lot better. I am paid a small salary so it's been very difficult but once I start earning commission we will be okay. It will be one year at the end of December since I was laid off and it has not been easy, I have fallen behind on everything and am still behind but am holding on.

This Thanksgiving was surprisingly pleasant. My brother bought the food for me to cook and although it was a simple meal it all turned out as I had planned. I invited my father to dinner because although he is very difficult to tolerate and has not been kind to me, he is very old now and I figured he'd spend it alone so I asked him and he came. I also asked a friend who had no place to live for the moment and has had a terrible year and was very depressed and he came as well. My friend is a little different but hilarious and very outgoing. Between my brother and my friend my father talked about many things that were all interesting and he wasn't able to say hurtful things to me. We all had a good meal and some laughter and most importantly peace and a couple of people ate well at least for one day.

Now comes Christmas, there will not be any presents under the tree this year but it is not troubling to myself or Kylie. The day has been ruined by materialism and commercialism anyway. The truly beautiful thing for this Christmas is that although we and the animals have suffered and done without this year we are all still together. I have managed to feed them all and keep a roof over out heads in spite of not having an income at all some months.

I have prayed and begged my way through the year, milked goats, helped worm sheep, tried grooming, worked on contract jobs, sold jewelry and anything else I could think of to keep us going. Uncle Gregg and my sister paid things that I couldn't or bought us food. Generous friends have given money through online sites that facilitate donations. I have fought with the county and the state for what benefits we qualified for all to survive. It all took its tole on me emotionally but I am trying to pull myself mentally out of it.

These past few weeks I have had nightmares about my childhood. The interesting thing is I had not thought about the things that happened to me that were very painful in years. I had pushed them down as far as blocking them from my memory all together. When I experienced each dream I felt the feelings I had experienced so long ago as if they had just happened. It was a good thing because I was unaware of their effect on me even now. I have been able to confront those feelings and experiences now as an adult instead of as a child and it has helped me release them. I feel I am beginning to heal and change my internal thoughts to see myself as I am and not how I learned to see myself through the people that abused me as a child. It feels good to be free from those things little by little.

I can't help thinking that God has lead me down this road for a reason, one of them is to free me from the thoughts and experiences that I have carried all of these years that have imprisoned me and kept me from liking myself or being free to be happy.

This winter will be tough for us, thankfully Kylie is doing well in school and has a great future. I am trying very hard to learn to value myself and somehow we've all managed to keep going. I have also learned some things about some of the people in my past that make me realize how fortunate I am and to pray more for them. So many people need prayers and it is good to pray for others and think of others regardless of your own trials.