Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Oh My

The week before Christmas was pretty dismal, I was down a bit which happens to people around the holidays. I had friends that tried to lift me up and by Christmas day I was better. A friend left some gift cards, cash and cookies at my door Christmas eve, a friend of Kylie's came and brought us each a present because there was no tree and no presents, he even brought the dogs some toys. I did manage to buy 3 dog toys at the dollar store and two people brought them treats. Kylie had gone to a friends Christmas party and so she did get a couple of gifts for Christmas. My brother brought food for me to cook and gave Kylie a little cash.

Christmas isn't about gifts or money or even a tree, I didn't feel bad about those things but I worry about my little family. I am working but the job is commission and the real estate market is the slowest during this time of the year which equals barely enough to keep the lights on and partial payments on everything else.

My dad came to dinner and behaved, offered to help and when I called him up yesterday he told me what a looser I was basically and that was that. I didn't take it too hard as I have had to deal with him many years and I no longer take to heart his berating.  My other friend came to dinner and I had a good visit with him.

Kylie was sick Christmas day, her hard drive crashed on her computer the day after Christmas so I guess that was the worst thing, I can't replace it and I so she is very depressed. She doesn't have much and loosing the computer was a big deal especially when she needs it for school.

I talked to Kylie's father who's life is up side down right now, there is nothing he is willing to do really and you know I get mad thinking she is a good person and has gotten straight A's at school and it counts for nothing. I hate asking for help because really a parent either cares or they don't but I try to ask for Kylie's sake. It is pointless to explain that it should be asked for but given because that is being a parent but oh well.

The weather was nice for December and thank goodness not too cold as that would stress us even more, we have a small supply of wood and propane. The animals are all okay, it's hard to not think about having to give them up, I have managed to avoid it this long but can only pray that things will get better after the holidays.

Today I seem to have more fight and drive and that is good, I will start the week out tomorrow with working on ideas and ways to increase my income and go from there. 

Monday, December 8, 2014

Parenthood

I really never had a very good example of a parent in my life as a child, my biological parents had six children and didn't feel any responsibility to any of us. We did not bring ourselves into this world and we weren't born adults so we all needed the same any newborn to adulthood person needs from their parents. My parents decided to abandon us all, I was the youngest. God planted me into another person's life who tried to provide some care to me, unfortunately she had her own issues and three grown children that resented me until her death and I have not seen them since her funeral, I was 36 years old. The only stable, unconditional love I knew as a child was from an adopted grandfather. He was stable, strong, protective and very sweet, he gave me all he could to help me survive the life I was born into, when I was 10 years old he passed away at 92.

I never realized what a child should have and what a child needed until I had a baby. When I knew I was going to have a baby from that moment on I was a parent, every decision I made about my health and my life was made with that thought in mind. It is the same even to today.

I stopped living for myself and never looked back, my life became the sole caregiver, the provider, and protector of my daughter. I was determined not to be like my parents or the caregivers I had endured as a child. I read books, I talk to counselors, I let my natural nurturing instincts guide me. It was very hard to do it and her father didn't make it any easier, the reason why was he never once thought about her, whatever he did or has ever done has to benefit him in someway, he himself did not have great parents and unfortunately he never recovered from it. I think of him as a lost soul now that Kylie is older, he doesn't have any real idea of what a parent is or that children are not pawns, chattels, or tools to manipulate others.

Children are helpless when they are born, they are at the world's mercy, they are brought into this world by grownups and we are responsible for them, when someone truly loves their child then they do things for the sake of love. A child does not run up a bill with a parent for receiving the care a parent is obligated to give and we are obligated.  We as parents owe our children love, food, shelter and all basic primary needs at the very least and over and above that a chance in life, education, anything that can help them to grow up, be independent, successful and most importantly, good people with good hearts and character.

It has been a long hard road without an extended family, no grandparents or aunts and uncles except my step brother Greg to help all these years. I've been all these things to the best of my ability to Kylie, I have always felt sad that in that respect she couldn't have had more.

This past year Kylie has gone without many things, she is strong and accepts it, she knows that whatever happens we go through it together as we always had. She has a bright future for school and college now with her tuition pretty much guaranteed. She will need a car which I have no way of getting for her but hopefully that will come when she starts her internship. I had such worry and guilt over how I would get her through college but God has provided.

It has also been hard not being able to share with family or her dad her accomplishments. I have tried to share them but it seems not to matter to him very much, he does not share my pride in her. Over the years there have been many people and children Kylie's dad has given money to, bought things for because of horses, because he had an agenda and I feel he has been used and used others.

It saddens me to know that Kylie has been passed over by her dad, that she hasn't been loved for who she is and punished for not earning or doing things in order to receive what a parent should naturally do. In fact, Kylie has said many times, I wish I could have things but I don't feel right about using my dad. She knows she could do what he wants and go along with things as other people have and get things and money from him but in her heart she knows that is wrong.

The truly sad thing is that love, to be truly loved and cherished by her dad would mean more than anything to Kylie. She has been hurt and disappointed many times by him and so she is not willing to take another chance because she can't endure being hurt again. She also wants to be loved as she is for the sake of love, it is a tragedy when someone feels they must earn love instead of receiving it as a gift.

I will never fully understand parents who withhold their love, leave their children or fail to put them first. My own is included in that puzzle, it is like some people are born with something lacking or void in their souls that they can't capture and they never realize how they destroy children instead of completing the gift of life to them after they are physically born. Children who have suffered abandonment or are unwanted start dying inside from the moment they are born a little each day, some manage to press on and make the best of it like myself and some are consumed by it to point where they no longer want themselves.

If there is one thing that I feel I did to help Kylie it is that I wanted her, I wanted her from the very moment I knew of her. I love her very much as she is and what she has given me in return is her love which I needed very much. When Kylie was born and I held her for the first time she grabbed my finger and held it and looked right into my eyes and that was the first time I had a flesh and blood bond with another human being.

I'm tired tonight with worry about making it and keeping it all going but writing my feelings down and realizing how grateful I am for the privilege of being a mother it all feels better now.  

Sunday, December 7, 2014

The Holidays

I have fallen behind on updating my blog, today is a good day to write about the past month or so. My job is a great job but I have not taken any loan applications. I have been busy networking and talking to people but it takes time to make the connections and this is the time of year when things slow down. With that said, my employer is very supportive and understanding of the situation, I was apprehensive at first going into sales but now I know I love it because I am out and about meeting different people and learning about them. I am the president of the Working Women's Connection in Montrose which I have never experienced before but the cool part of it is that I meet interesting and independent business women, I kind of feel at home. I also have made connections with the Medina County Chamber of Commerce and I also go to open houses and get to see amazing houses. I meet people at breakfasts and at lunch and evening meetings at different venues. Different situations arise where I can help people and they can help me. I am not tied down to a desk all day which I hate and has caused me health problems and extreme stress.

If I can continue what I am doing till spring, I should start getting referrals and things will look a lot better. I am paid a small salary so it's been very difficult but once I start earning commission we will be okay. It will be one year at the end of December since I was laid off and it has not been easy, I have fallen behind on everything and am still behind but am holding on.

This Thanksgiving was surprisingly pleasant. My brother bought the food for me to cook and although it was a simple meal it all turned out as I had planned. I invited my father to dinner because although he is very difficult to tolerate and has not been kind to me, he is very old now and I figured he'd spend it alone so I asked him and he came. I also asked a friend who had no place to live for the moment and has had a terrible year and was very depressed and he came as well. My friend is a little different but hilarious and very outgoing. Between my brother and my friend my father talked about many things that were all interesting and he wasn't able to say hurtful things to me. We all had a good meal and some laughter and most importantly peace and a couple of people ate well at least for one day.

Now comes Christmas, there will not be any presents under the tree this year but it is not troubling to myself or Kylie. The day has been ruined by materialism and commercialism anyway. The truly beautiful thing for this Christmas is that although we and the animals have suffered and done without this year we are all still together. I have managed to feed them all and keep a roof over out heads in spite of not having an income at all some months.

I have prayed and begged my way through the year, milked goats, helped worm sheep, tried grooming, worked on contract jobs, sold jewelry and anything else I could think of to keep us going. Uncle Gregg and my sister paid things that I couldn't or bought us food. Generous friends have given money through online sites that facilitate donations. I have fought with the county and the state for what benefits we qualified for all to survive. It all took its tole on me emotionally but I am trying to pull myself mentally out of it.

These past few weeks I have had nightmares about my childhood. The interesting thing is I had not thought about the things that happened to me that were very painful in years. I had pushed them down as far as blocking them from my memory all together. When I experienced each dream I felt the feelings I had experienced so long ago as if they had just happened. It was a good thing because I was unaware of their effect on me even now. I have been able to confront those feelings and experiences now as an adult instead of as a child and it has helped me release them. I feel I am beginning to heal and change my internal thoughts to see myself as I am and not how I learned to see myself through the people that abused me as a child. It feels good to be free from those things little by little.

I can't help thinking that God has lead me down this road for a reason, one of them is to free me from the thoughts and experiences that I have carried all of these years that have imprisoned me and kept me from liking myself or being free to be happy.

This winter will be tough for us, thankfully Kylie is doing well in school and has a great future. I am trying very hard to learn to value myself and somehow we've all managed to keep going. I have also learned some things about some of the people in my past that make me realize how fortunate I am and to pray more for them. So many people need prayers and it is good to pray for others and think of others regardless of your own trials.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Life changes

The past few weeks I obtained my Ohio Loan Officer's licenses, went to Indianapolis for training, got my own company webpage set up and have started marketing myself. It will not be easy starting into the slower months of the year for the mortgage business but I am excited to get my first loan application and start working with people again.

I met with Kylie's teachers last week and it was a wonderful experience. First, the teachers at the career center are the most up beat positive teachers I have ever met. Kylie made the honor roll with a 4.0 gpa and her precision machine teacher has already been approached by a company that wants to offer her an internship with the understanding that they would pay for her college, even sponsoring her for becoming an engineer. Kylie has been chosen by her teacher to learn the CNC programming that normally only the seniors would learn and he is expecting her to compete regionally, at state level and at national level.

Kylie's science teacher brought her in during the conference and told her that she should be in a higher science class and she will be taking physics next year. All of her teachers knew she was being considered for an internship and were so excited to speak to me about her. Kylie is the treasurer for the Key Club and she is also working with the teacher that heads up peer tutoring and is helping others in the school. Kylie has found the perfect place to blossom.

Sadly, many people look down on kids that go to the career center, not all students take advantage of what is available and there are some students that just want to as little as possible but the career center is a wonderful place where the teachers care about the students and will do everything they can to help them succeed. The kids get real life experience at the career center and I am so happy Kylie made the choice to go there. She will start her internship in the summer and then will work half days and go to school half days for her senior year, she will also get college credits while she is working.

I was so worried that I would not be able to help Kylie get through college, she loves her precision teacher, she loves learning and has taken to all that has been shown to her and it has all fallen into place. I have to thank God for watching over Kylie.

My new job is a challenge because I am not the typical sales person and it's an adjustment but I do love helping people and especially helping them buy a house or refinancing and easing the financial burden. Times have been extremely tough for me and I have great pleasure at the thought of making it easier for others.

I do hope to make connections in my own community and in the surrounding rural communities. There are many programs available to help people. 

A new career

Sunday, October 12, 2014

An Exodus back home and current events

I got a job and it's amazing because it all started with a caring friend who I have met only once. It is amazing how God uses good people. I really think the job which is a change from what I have been doing is the right job and will be better for me for many reasons. I have a new boss and she has horses and has been through tough times but is successful and cares about people. Her boss is awesome and the company was willing to take a chance on me and that makes me feel great.

I decided that I wanted to take Kylie back to Charleston on a weekend trip. I wanted to be able to get a way for a day just me and her and to go back to a place I spent a lot of time when I was younger. I wrote my dad and told him I wanted to come down and to see him, he sent me enough money to make the trip and to pay for the hotel room for one night.

It was a good trip, we arrived before noon and met up with my dad, he's 82. He looked great and he bought us lunch and then I drove him around all over Charleston and listened to all of his stories about when  he was a boy. We visited graves of my grandparents and a few other places important to him. My dad has issues, he is very bitter and mean at times but we got though it.

Dad drove back to another area of WV Saturday evening leaving us a little bit of Sunday to go do some things I wanted to do. I wanted to visit the farm that had been in my family for years, it is the only place I had good childhood memories and as a young adult I loved. Dad hates the place because of his stepfather and old slights he perceived. The farm went outside the family after my step grandfather died and no one has gone back since. I felt from the time I arrived at Charleston this overwhelming pull to the farm. I felt a sort of beckoning. I resisted Sunday until I was on my way back on the highway about 10 miles from Charleston, tears started pouring down my cheeks and I knew I had to turn around.

As soon as I got back on the road headed towards the farm I felt a release and well being. I remembered the way although it has been years. The farm is over 60 acres with a big white approximately 150 year old home sitting in the middle of the acres and it sits on a rise about the pastures and looks majestic from the little country road as you come out of the turn in the road. I rounded that turn and there it was as it has always been. I meant only to drive by it and keep going but when my car came to the drive I stopped and turned in, I had too.

I drove down the winding dirt drive and stopped. The old house is in terrible disrepair, the flowers and beautiful old shrubs and bushes that were there form many years were gone. The buildings were equally in bad shape, someone is living there and renting but it is clear that everything is being used not cared for. My grandfather's old tractor sat out, left to the elements to reclaim it. Next to the barn there was always a shinny passenger car, the kind pulled by a train. My grandfather used it for the tack and it was such a cool place, I played in it when I was a child, it was gone.

I have a scar on my finger the one you put a wedding ring on, on the underside of my finger at the first joint, it is a in the shape of a Y, I got it on the gate that led to the back of the farm because it had bobbed wire on it and I got my finger caught. The gate was still hanging but had not been closed in many years or so it appeared.

I got in my car and drove through the gate and stopped at the foot of the hill where the road continues and got out and walked. Kylie and I walked up the hill which is steep to the top and we walked along the tree line till we found the graves. My grandfather is buried up there, others have been and it is a small graveyard that is part of the farm. I found his grave and then we walked around the top of the hill to the point that overlooks the entire farm. We came down after that and started the trip back home.

I did not see the inside of the house which was magnificent at one time with the original wood beams and built in book shelves and french doors, I knew that would be too much for me. The house was filled with beautiful things my grandmother had furnished it with but I knew that even instead of selling the antique items the new owners had burned or thrown out the items not even know there value.

I wasn't sad when I left the farm though because returning I had learned about land and farms and I looked at the farm with new eyes and I knew that the land was resting and the land will heal and someday someone will clear it again and restore the fencing and the buildings. The house has stood for many years and someday it will be restored by someone and loved.

I wanted to know if my heart was still there and if I felt tied to it still but when I got home I saw my animals and the joy they had and the land surrounding where I live now and I was content. I still have the best part of the farm with me, I have the words my grandfather shared with me on how he took an old broken down farm and made it beautiful like I remember as a child. I have followed his advise where ever I have lived and there is land and one day I will have my own farm again and there I will do the same.

I have two acorns and a chestnut Kylie found for me from the trees on the old farm, we will start them and plant them up here and they will be a little piece of that place for me. I will return to the farm to put flowers on a grave next year and perhaps from time to time. My dad called to see if we made it home and got very angry with me for going to the farm, there are very bitter feelings for him about it and he thought it was trespassing. Maybe it was but there are graves up there and when I would spend a few days at the farm when my grandfather was living it was understood that people came to the farm and cleaned up the area up there and brought flowers and no one ever had an issue with it. All I know is had to go and I did and know one said a word to me while I was there.

Getting home I did feel such happiness, the next morning I watched out the sunroom window while Micah our part Collie dog ran to the fence and barked at the ponies and Little Bit walked up and sniffed him through the fence, Micah started walking away and Bit started chasing him, Micah was miffed and I laughed and laughed.

I started the job that Monday and I loved the people and the place the first day, it all felt right. I am waiting for my state license to be approved through the state to take loan applications and will be going for a couple days training in a week. I will be out meeting people soon and getting involved in the community which takes me away from being chained to a desk which is something that is important for me.

I will have to go to thrift shops to improve my wardrobe which is just barn clothes and I will need to get my hair cut and start wearing makeup and fixing myself up. It is all good because I needed to get out of the barn clothes funk I have been in for years. I don't feel good about how I look and now I will be forced to make changes that are for the better.

I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet, my sister paid our rent this month and I am behind on board but I have talked to everyone and worked out a plan. I sold some small pieces of gold jewelry for a decent price and got paid for feeding the goats and some labor on a little farm and we've had money for gas and dog food. This past week it hasn't been as tough as it's been for so many months which is good because mentally I don't think I would have survived another month.

I hope to share more positive stories going forward. I ended up quieting the goat farm job because I couldn't make the mornings but the people haven't found anyone yet and I agreed to do the weeknights until they find someone. The buck goat ended up in the trashcan that holds the feed with his feet sticking up in the air the first night I went back. I turned the can on it's side and grabbed his behind and pulled him out farm enough to grab his horns and then pulled him the rest of the way out. He was not about to give up getting the food out of the can without a tussle. I got him out and got the can secured and grabbed him by his goat beard and told him that would be enough of that and he just looked at me like wanna bet and walked away.

It is all an adventure now I am hoping.    

Monday, September 29, 2014

Almost October

I know that most of the spring and summer was pleasant as well as the sunny days of fall but I have not enjoyed these three seasons. I am tired, there aren't many moments where our situation isn't heavily on my mind. There are better days than others of course and Kylie doing well in school is uplifting, the animals are all fine and I continue to try and maintain a productive life to the degree that I can.

I have been promised a job but have waited for several days for an offer letter, I am not sure this job will pull us back from the brink of collapse because it will be largely commission based, I will try my very best to make something of it. School for myself is going okay, programming is interesting but difficult for me mainly because of the amount of focus it takes, my mind is overwhelmed with our situation and I struggle with focusing on anything else.

My sister pledged to help me with the rent and so I know we will be able to stay through October, the horses board is behind and I don't know how I will cure it. We truly are teetering on the very edge of the precipice of becoming homeless.

I have contacted as many agencies as I can, received some help with groceries, my sister is on the second month of paying the utilities. The contract job has not provided any real income and I have taken a job on a hobby farm doing chores in the morning and evening.

I've applied for jobs outside of my recent work experience at all ranges of salaries within reason, I've had interviews in my line of work and have not been hired.

One bright spot is I made a long distance friend who is a wonderful person and has experienced many of the same things I have in my life. Other friends have also stepped up and sent money and provided recommendations for jobs, one of which I am still waiting to receive an official offer letter.

Another bright spot is doing farm chores again and caring for creatures like I used to on our little farm. It keeps me sane, grounded really. There is something within my very soul that needs to be a part of the land and the earth, without it I wither inside.

If I had one dream, one hope or perhaps I have always known that I should have lived a life on a farm or ranch of some kind. My childhood did not permit me to have an opportunity to do what I have always been drawn too, as a tiny child I wanted it so badly. Life happens and you do what you must, it took me a long time as an adult to realize truly where my heart's desire was, it took many years for me to work through things that happened to me as a child.

I don't know what will happen in the coming weeks, I know I will do whatever I can to keep a roof over Kylie's head and continue to try and keep our little band of animals from the shelter or the slaughter. God help me, I don't know how but I'll keep believing and keep trying. 

Saturday, September 20, 2014

September flies by

I've been busy, first with the little job I have taking care of a herd of goats, then helping my hay farmer unload hay wagons, school, and of course job searches and interviews. A very kind person referred me to a friend of hers who works for a mortgage company and they were hiring. The position is for loan originator, I interviewed and like the person I called and I liked her manager and also after investigating the company I like them too.

They are doing a background check on me and when the results come back they say they are going to make me an offer. It is a little scary because it is a base salary plus commission, on the other hand it has great earning potential. I have thought about it and I actually think I will enjoy this more than underwriting. There is a thrill in helping people buy a home, by helping them get financing. It is also a good feeling to help them along the way until they can be in a position to buy a home.

Since things have been so tough these past few months and in my opinion the world and people's hearts have gotten harder there may be room for me to not only make some income but also to reach out to people that I can help. It would be great to start a group that helped single mothers get closer to buying a home or other things that could be a comfort to them.

I would like to be successful and be able to take my daughter on one little vacation, we have never been able to do that, I'd like to make sure that all of my animals are safe and secure. After that, I'd like very much to help others, I'd like to be in a position to share my blessings. I am so tired of the hardness and the greed in this world, I really don't care what other people do or think but I'd like to make a difference. Lots of dreaming here though, the most important thing is I can provide and save us from the homeless shelter and the animals going to God knows where. I hope it all turns around and then making a difference, that would be grand. 

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Building my farm resume

Within the last two weeks I have learned about chickens, goats, and sheep. Today I helped my hay farmer worm his sheep, there were about 20 all together. I liked the sheep they were timid but I understand herding and moving herds and they were easier to worm than horses who don't like to be wormed. The farmer caught them and held them and I wormed them with a syringe like lightening. Three of them looked pretty bad because they weren't as immune to the worms but they will perk up now that they got a full dose of medicine and are sectioned off so they won't have to compete for food with so many others.

I don't like to see animals of any  kind overcrowded or in distress, I was happy to help and he will give me hay for our ponies if I go and lend a helping hand. I have to clean a chicken coop out tonight which will be interesting I am sure.

I am pretty good at milking a goat now too. I am sure the goat is happy I am getting better and faster, she is a very sweet and patient goat and I like taking care of her.

I am wondering what will be next on my agenda of learning to care for different varieties of animals.   

Friday, September 5, 2014

Just a tough week

I have mastered my goat farm job, I can milk a goat now but still a little slow at it. I will improve with practice, the goats are a variety of sizes with some babies thrown in, they are cute but tenacious in their pursuit of food. They have all been hand raised so they are very sweet and cuddly once you get past the goat smell. I care for the goat herd, two mini's, chickens, two peacocks and on occasion two dogs. I like the job because the people are nice and although very busy with their professional lives they provide well for their animals. They are new at the whole mini farm thing so I will help them with some of the pasture care etc.

I went to a horse barn today to see about a job and to be able to work off board for our two horses, unfortunately it wasn't the right fit. All of the horses there were showing hip bones, even the younger ones and they were either standing in the back of their stalls with their heads down or were angry or very negative as I walked past the stalls. The owner was very likable but the horses told me all I needed to know. I felt that if I came to see my horses and they acted or looked like any of the horses there I'd be very concerned so I can't work in a place where I don't have a good feeling about the environment for my horses or others horses. I will continue to look for the right place and although I don't have much time for our horses right now I know they are happy and they are safe. Boarding is never something I ever wanted to do, I want them home but since that isn't possible I will work as many jobs as I have to in order to keep them safe.

The contract job is very difficult, there is so much detail and there is a huge amount of documents to review and they are not standard loans, it is very time consuming and accuracy is a challenge because of the requirements for each batch of loans from different lenders.

I feel I have reached a point in my career where I question if I have what it takes anymore and also there are no jobs in mortgages locally, I have been approached by other companies to relocate. I am hesitant for several reasons because I could move and if I were laid off what then, also Kylie is in school and very determined to succeed in the program she is in and I feel it is important to try and hold out until she graduates.

I really don't know from day to day just how things will work out for us. I don't have money for the rent or the car or many other things although we now have food at least. It is very difficult to keep going but I am reminded by the ones I love that I need to keep going for as long as I can, Kylie and the animals have no one else to care for them.

The week was tough because of the work both the farm and the contract job, the heat, trying to be a supportive parent, the work around here, and trying to study. The other part is trying to keep mentally going, it is so difficult to do anything when things look so bad.

I think sometimes how nice it would be to go swimming or just sit down with friends and enjoy some comfort and relaxation. From every waking moment until I go to bed at night my mind is on survival, I am in a constant state of working or searching for work or fending off bill collectors. At times I feel I am in a prison. I try to sit with the dogs or pet the ponies and take time to just focus on them but it isn't easy to do without thinking what will become of us.

I pray and even though it feels like my prayers are met with silence in my heart I feel God has a plan and I asked Him to lift the burden I carry and carry it for me for awhile. Although it seems that I may have little left when this is all over I will keep faith in God, I know He is my friend and has cared for me, I just have to keep trusting Him.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

What it takes to survive

We got a card for groceries finally, I went and got groceries and stocked up. On Facebook I saw a post running down people for getting food assistance, whining about being middle class and making it seem like people who get assistance are some kind of low lives. Well, I've worked hard all my life, I've gone starving for weeks and worst of all my daughter has starved too and I am auditing files of people who have lost their jobs and are trying to hold on to there homes and it's a problem in this country and good hardworking people are forced to take help when they'd rather not.

So many people in this country hate the poor and struggling, it makes me sick. Okay so you can work and have enough to live on which is becoming more and more a privilege these days and judge everyone else. I wish people would just be thankful for what they have and have compassion for those who don't. It's an ugly society we live in today. The last two companies I have worked for outsourced service jobs to other countries, if someone wants to blame someone to make themselves feel better they need to start with the large corporations who have sold them out and forced people to turn to assistance just to survive.

There are dishonest people in this world that work the system with welfare and unemployment but every job I have ever had someone was cheating there too so it is hypocrisy to kick around people who are down on their luck unless you can clean house from the top down.

Anyway, our assistance won't last long because I can earn very little with the contract job before we loose it which is okay, we'll get by, at least we won't starve for a month. I took a job at a little farm down the road to work morning and evenings feeding and chores, later today I am going to talk to another farm which has horses to see if I can work there too. It will be tough balancing 3 jobs and college coursework but it is what it is.

I will gladly do what I can to keep our little band of animals, the house and Kylie safe. I am asking God to give me strength and determination to do these things and to keep everyone safe. Kylie is feeling better about school now that she is settling in and making friends. There's lots of changes going on in her life and she is at an age where there is a lot of stress and perceived worries.

I am helping her a little with studying at night too but for the most part she is doing well and I am glad she is able to go to the career center. The one thing that is difficult is not having a car for her and it is also hard not having a truck, I could do so much more with a pick up truck but maybe if we can make it through this winter Kylie will be working and we can get a beater truck which will give her transportation and me something to haul things with like hay and sawdust.

The weather is hot and that gets to me these days, hopefully it will cool down again which will make the labor outside easier. Besides all of the work for others I have plenty here to do which I will space out to get things cleaned up before winter. It would be so much easier if the horses were here, I wouldn't have to worry about board and could do the chores here and just do one extra job on the side but no money for fencing or an outbuilding for them at this time and so we will do the best we can, I love them and I will do my best with what I have and leave the rest to God. 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Friday was a terrible day but it turned around Saturday

I finally called my brother and asked him to come down which he did Saturday. He bought us much needed groceries and talked to Kylie giving her the support she needed about school and her decision to go into a masculine profession. I never realized how bad you can feel when you aren't eating enough or the right kinds of foods. I feel 100% better now, we have enough groceries until we receive help from the county.

My sister made me go up to the gas station and she gave them her card information and she put gas in my car. We had no gas either. I talked to the feed store and got a bag of horse feed and will bring them the money next week, we had no feed or cat food either.

Saturday I went to meet a family that needs to hire someone to feed their goats and horses while they travel and work so it's a 6 day a week job, an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. It isn't far from here and will bring in some much needed cash. I also have a date next weekend to help a farmer worm some sheep in exchange for some hay.

I am working the contract job every day and adding to my income by doing these side jobs, if I can just get a decent sum together to get us caught up we might be able to make it from this point on, problem is getting the rent payment all together at one time without letting everything else go. I will be working on what to do about it this week.

I am on the look out for a job at a stables that will let me work off board for our horses saving me $500 a month. I think I will be working 14 hour days soon but it is better than loosing everything and everyone.

I started my programming class and I really like it, I think it will be something I enjoy and eventually it will turn into a good job. The rates are going to go up and I think the mortgage jobs are going to be dead and there will be more layoffs to come. I am very happy I decided to start working on a plan to get into a better career. For now though I will be hustling 24/7 anyway I can to make things workout.

Funny, I thought I was through working with animals and farms, seems I've been led back to it. With decent food and rest I'll be able to do this. Yes, eating does make a difference!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I hate this

I don't think I've said it out loud but I hate this. I hate waking up every day wondering if anything will improve or if it will be another day of trying to keep everyone going. Will have money for gas or food, will I be able to feed Kylie and the animals, will I be able to pay any of the bills.

I am just getting to the point where I feel like I can't live one more day like this, it's been agony over the now 8 months and especially the last 4 weeks. I am exhausted trying to stay brave. Just had to say it, I am so tired and I hate this all so much. 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Interviews and help with Groceries

I had an interview with the human resource representative for a big company Monday, I am waiting to hear about a second interview. I haven't heard anything yet from the one I had a couple of weeks ago but they said they'd be interviewing for awhile.

I spoke to the county today and we got approved for some help with groceries, I have to wait till we get something in the mail which will be 7-10 days. We will have to struggle through it till then. I was able to buy dog food with some money someone sent us, we went to the dollar store and picked up a few items that will last till the weekend.

I've been very tired today, I think it's the heat but that is supposed to subside soon. Kylie is doing okay in school and adjusting, it will be better when I have food in the house and can send her to school with something for lunch.

It looks like she is on her own as far as her father, the county is unable to verify any income or collect child support. I know he is doing something in Jackson, Ohio but I won't be passing that along to the county it isn't worth it. There are so many things he could have helped her with but it is useless to try and reason with him, it always ends up hurting her and she doesn't need to be hurt anymore. Somehow we will get through this and when things are better I will give her everything I can to help her with her future. She's determined to make something of herself and I know she'll do it. 

Friday, August 22, 2014

A note about hunger

I was rummaging around for food in the kitchen today and thought about how people put things together, sometimes healthy sometimes not. I could stand to loose some weight so I don't mind not having a lot of food in the house because I'll eat more being so anxious and worried. Kylie on the other hand needs to eat, she has a high metabolism and she needs energy.

Boxed processed food is what most people eat when they don't have much money for groceries, it's okay to a point but it isn't very healthy. One thing that I have to watch out for is processed food or too much of it because my stomach will erupt and I will throw it up and suffer for days. With that said I try hard to find ways to get something more nutritional thrown together.

Now you would think dill pickles would kill my stomach but they don't, I eat one or two a day and my stomach actually feels better plus the vinegar wards off the hungry feeling I get from nerves. I try to use eggs, milk, and beans as much as possible and if I can I try using some frozen vegetables even in mac and cheese to get some vitamins in it.

Kylie is a big bread eater and more of a protein person than fruits and vegetables so I have to doctor them up to get her to eat it.

One good thing is that we don't buy pop, we do get a bag of chips when we can because Kylie likes to graze on them. Nana has taken the limited food issue a little hard, she loves to eat a variety of things when I eat but she loves chips and so at least that's a treat for her.

My biggest concern is really Kylie, she tries to go without food and that's not good. I have my pickles though and so that is something. I am grateful we have not run out of toilet paper, it sounds funny and it is, I guess it is silly except when you are on a very slim budget.

I think soon the food issue will be solved either by a food pantry or some help from the county, we don't really need a lot it's just the two of us plus a few fur mouths to feed as well.     

God blesses us

These past few days have been very busy because Kylie started school at the career center. Saturday was a wonderful day for Kylie, I took her to drop off something she had borrowed from a friend and we stopped by to see another friend of hers on the way back. Her friend want to giver her a birthday present, I was exhausted and worried sick and I didn't go in with Kylie but when Kylie came out she had a very emotional expression on her face and I asked what was wrong. Kylie was on the verge of tears because her friend gave her an Apple laptop that she didn't need anymore so Kylie would have it for school. Kylie was so moved but so was I because all of these years I have always provided for Kylie, I can't right now and it was the first time someone stepped in to help with something like this and it took a huge weight off my shoulders, I felt terrible about not being able to get her one and thought she'd have to go without until I could but it is all taken care of and that gave me a great deal of peace.

It's terrible to not be able to provide basic things for your child, we have never lived extravagantly, Kylie doesn't have a game system or any of the electronics most teenagers have but she needed a computer for school and I just didn't have a way to meet that need.

Saturday her friend's mom gave me some money to buy groceries, it is always hard accept help for me or even to ask for it, I've been supporting us since Kylie was born, there is very little that her dad has done and now the county can't even collect child support from him because he moved employment. I was glad this time to accept the money and the help I have received from others as well, I just reached a point where I couldn't do anything to make our situation better and I was grateful for having a week that I wouldn't have to worry about feeding Kylie and the animals.

I thank God for giving people a giving and compassionate heart and I ask Him to bless everyone mightily for what they have done for us. There has been times these past two weeks where I just thought everyone would be better off without me, these things that people have done have raised me up and given me hope and so I thank God and them for it.

I got paid today, I earned $212 after taxes, all of it will have to go towards the horse board and a little extra I had saved in my account, we are short $145 which I promised to pay at my next pay. The lease payment to my landlord is $1350 which I will have to come up with at the first of the month, how I do not know. My sister has helped with the utilities and friends have sent us money too to cover different things.

The contract job is getting more and more work in and next paycheck should be much better but I am sure it won't be enough for the lease payment, so I will pray for God to find a way for us next month. I have sent all of our paperwork to the county and I will be going to a food pantry tomorrow. If I can get help with groceries then every dime I get can go towards keeping us in this house.

For now I am okay in my mind and heart, as the days pass I know I will feel panic again as each issue becomes urgent. I am still looking for a job that will cover our monthly expenses and also looking for another job to work while working the contract job. I wish the contract job hadn't lagged so many weeks before picking up it really has made things critical.

On an up note, Kylie started her Precision Machining class at the career center, she is also taking her high school classes there as well. I sent my little girl off to school in her steel toed boots on Tuesday. Not what you'd imagine sending your daughter to school in but she is determined to get certified in precision machining because she loves making things and metal and she wants to go to college and this will help pay for it. She was pretty nervous until yesterday when the teacher had them read blueprints and work with clay to see if they understood them, she said she caught on right a way and did her project to the specifications and the teacher approved her work. That kind of made her feel like she made the right choice.

She feels very alone at school though because she doesn't have a friend there yet but she will soon. She is anxious to get a job again, her teacher told her if she has a good employment record she could get an internship opportunity this year. As soon as we are able I need to get her something to drive, if she gets another job or internship she will earn enough money to have one and she will need it to get to the job.

I'm so glad Kylie went back to a regular school, she is more mature now and she needs to get experience and get out of the house and prepare for life. I don't mean I want her out of the house as in grow up and move out, I mean it is better for her to have a set schedule and teachers face to face and be around other teenagers. I want her to be happy and to be secure when she does move out some day and this is a good thing for her even though it took a little getting used to with it being more of a male program. I can't wait till she makes something in class, it will be very interesting. 

Monday, August 18, 2014

An update

We really struggled last week, I struggled. We had to make a choice today between buying food for ourselves or the dogs. It is partly my fault because I didn't go to a food pantry. I will call around tomorrow and find one that is open, we have a little left from what my friend brought us.

I went over today to see the folks I am farm sitting for later this week to go over everything, I told them it would be a good idea to give me some gas money just in case. I have farm sat for them before and they know I am not working so they gave me enough gas money to drive there for two weeks. They'll pay me then for the service once they return.

I had to buy an ink cartridge for our printer which was painful but I needed it for the contract job, I put it in and another cartridge blew out and I can't get another one so that's that. Not sure when I can get it. I thought when it happened that their ought to be a prayer line for printers, when they work they are great and when they are difficult there is nothing more frustrating.

I called my doctor's office and was able to schedule an appointment for late September and that was with the hope that I will have money then, the doctor agreed to give me a 30 prescription so my feet are out of the fire on that for awhile.

Kylie starts school Tuesday, she's terrified but at the same time excited. I told her today that I didn't think I would be able to keep everyone together and that if I can't find a way that I would call her father's family and see if she could go there where she'd have food and get to school, the most important thing is for her to make it, she has dreams and she is so close and I can't stand not being able to provide for her.

I told her too that it may come down to finding a place for the animals. I don't want to give up, I applied for everything I could think of as far as a job but it would take a dang good job to save us now. I prayed to God for guidance, when you feel like you aren't able to take care of animals when it gets so bad they may not have food then it is time to start thinking about saving them in a different way, I've got to make sure they make it. It will kill me if it comes down to it and I wouldn't hesitate to walk a way and live on the streets because there isn't anything in this world that means anything to me except Kylie and these animals.

But I can't bare to see the ones I love go through any suffering because I couldn't get a job and take care of them. I don't mind suffering only I can't bare to see anyone or anything else suffer, I never could.

Kylie took it all well, she doesn't want it to happen but because I love her I have to prepare her for the worst. She knows I'd never abandon her and I love her more than my own life but she's got to have her chance and she's got to be safe.

Right now I couldn't rent a rock to crawl under, that's the way it is. Every Monday I wait for that one phone call that I got the job or anything that would make it all better. I've been through so much in my lifetime but it occurred to me today that I am not sure my metal is strong enough anymore. I am strong, very strong but today I just knew I can't go on being strong. I don't know how to put it into words but I know how I feel.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Last night was horrible, today a small ray of hope

I wasn't going to post anymore, I just felt it was hopeless but today I got a little good news. First, we received a donation which will help pay for gas money. I have a farm sitting job next week for two weeks and didn't have money for gas. The folks I do this for are awesome people and it will turn into some much needed funds.

Second, I talked to my school counselor and I am only taking one class this semester which is a programming class. I will take only one class the next semester that will be a programming class, that will be enough to apply for entry level jobs in IT. That will open up a world of job opportunities for me by January. They may not pay much at first but it's a start and will lead to a new career faster because experience counts in IT and I don't want to wait for years to get it.

Third, I got some really good feedback on my contract job which is really hard and takes a lot of concentration. I am reviewing loans as far back as 2000 and most of the loans are modified or in foreclosure which means reams of paperwork and changes in terms. Some things that lenders have done in those years I have never seen before and I have to be fast and accurate, yesterday I had a loan with 2,000 documents to review. It is time consuming and I will  not earn much unless I get faster and that will take time but I am trying to master it as quickly as I can.

People have suggested some minimum wage jobs which I am not apposed to, I couldn't do it while I was receiving unemployment because it would have been less income. This contract job pays a minimum of $20 a file and that is why I am holding out for it, the work didn't come right away but if it continues to come in and I get faster it will be a tremendous help.

I should hear something next week about the job interview. I pray I get it and I can pull us out of this pit we are sinking into before loosing the ones I love and a secure place for my daughter.

Anyway, it was a little bit of hope today. 

I'm done

It's 5am in the morning, I've worked furiously on the contract job but it isn't going to be enough. The cutoff for next Friday's pay is tomorrow and it just isn't going to cover the horses. I am not going to go into the morbid details as to just how bad things are right now.

I know that I am done, this is the second time in three years I've gone through this hell and I can't do this anymore. My brother is sick in Cleveland and he can't help us, I haven't even heard from him in a month and he doesn't need to be burdened anymore than he already is.

My sister in California takes care of a bed ridden husband, my other sister who is a terrible alcoholic, my uncle who has been unemployed for two years now and my disabled brother. She does not need to be burdened with my problems either.

I just can't do this anymore, I've tried everything I can think of and I am forced now to face reality. I can't save these animals or myself or Kylie. I can't stop this from happening. It is time I went underground, no more blog posts or Facebook. I have to accept what is happening and live through it, I'm alone except for God and I am at the point where I question Him and I wonder if He has heard my prayers or if this all is His will for me, I will have to let the horses and animals go. There is no other way and soon we will have to move.

I just can't go on anymore, I'm finished. 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Nothing = Nothing

Nothing good this morning, every day I wake up I think maybe today something will happen or this will all be over and we'll be okay. Tomorrow is the day I need to pay the board for the horses, they won't let us work it off. I have nothing to give them.

Kylie starts school on Tuesday, I'll be lucky to have gas to get her there.

And, then there is the rest of the things that I can't do anything about.


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Just feeling bad today

Yesterday I felt really good in my mind and body. Last night I had a bout with stomach, avoided throwing up but I was up in the middle of the night twice. I am sick at my stomach now, I just feel awful.

I feel groggy, angry, and just bad right now. I've been applying for jobs on the computer, trying to track down information and all of the desperate things I do every day but I don't feel like getting up off the couch.

My stomach is so torn up right now and I'm in pain and I'm exhausted from it. I am taking Kylie for her orientation this evening and then to check on the horses because it isn't good to skip more than one day to make sure they are okay. I know I'll feel better soon but I really do feel awful right now. I think it is time to lay down for a little while with the dogs who are taking a nap right now and see if I will feel better when I get up. 

Pulling at straws

I called the child support bureau today to find out if there was any hope of receiving a payment anytime soon. Of course the answer was no, Kylie's dad is no longer working at whatever job he had and they have been looking for new employment for him but haven't found anything. It will be months before anything comes of it.

I have to skip pills now because I only have a couple left, when I hung up the phone the memory of things that happened years ago brought me to tears. When I was caring Kylie it was a constant roller coaster with Dave, he'd leave, on Christmas Day of course while I was pregnant and when I say leave that meant he left me and disappeared for months.

I started getting sick with my pregnancy, I ended up with Toxemia, I moved in with my parents because I was still working full time downtown Cleveland. Right after Kylie was born I needed time alone and I went down and stayed in a house Dave owned at the time but didn't use. Two weeks after Kylie was born he had his attorney send me a letter notifying me that he would evict me and the baby.

We were fifty miles from a hospital, Dave disconnected the phone at the house too. I had Kylie's clothes in a cardboard box and a changing table and a little carrier for her and that was it. I had a C-section so I needed some time to heal. Once I was able to drive I found an apartment and moved into it. As soon as I moved Dave hounded us there with threats.

It is crazy to think of all these things but things are bad right now but remembering this stuff reminds of worse times, I really don't know how I survived some things I went through.

Child support has always been an issue with Dave, he hates it, he ran up attorney bills for years fighting over $360 a month and one day I said to him, what do you want to pay and he said $250 and that was that. He stopped his continual harassment. He could afford a lot more and people have said it's Kylie's money but she would have paid for every penny with the abuse she would have had to suffer, it wasn't worth it.

Dad's not all but a great many have an issue with child support like the ex-wives are trying to be greedy. Any money paid most assuredly goes towards the things a child needs, it isn't easy to raise a child alone, mother's don't refuse their children food or care because they don't have the money or don't get child support, it isn't an option not to pay when you are the custodial parent.

I wish with all my heart that I never needed any support, that I could give Kylie all that she needs without giving it a thought or asking for help. Most of the time I managed this but this is not one of them. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

A more up day

I hounded the contract company for more work and may get some tomorrow, also I went to an interview this evening. It went very well and it will come down to the competition, I should know something next week.

The fuel light came on while driving to the interview, haven't had money for gas and I hadn't eaten but was able to focus anyway.

I had a baked potato when I got home and am feeling better. God was gracious to me today getting me there and back and also not letting me get the shakes from not eating. We have some groceries but I am trying to make them last as long as I can.

Talked to the county about some help, lots of red tape and it will take weeks for them to process the paperwork. All I can say is I know there are families in a worse situation than we are in and I truly feel for them. It is so hard to get help for families these days that are in need. I am going to pray extra hard for the families out there even though I don't know them.

Let's hope good things come soon.

Monday, August 11, 2014

A few words about depression

The sad news today is Robin Williams passed away and it is likely suicide. Many people were surprised but I think anyone who has ever suffered from severe depression is saddened but not surprised. I know I wasn't.

Depression runs through my family heavily, my parents and my siblings all suffer from some form of depression and anxiety and even bipolar. The ones who got into drugs and alcohol suffer from bipolar, I did neither so I don't have that affliction.

For me depression manifests itself into deep inconsolable grieving. I suffer from it because of childhood trauma, I fought it for years and didn't know what it was until I finally agreed to take a small dose of anxiety medicine, what a difference. I didn't know what it was like not to live with a heavy cloak of anxiety and grieving and just pushed my way past it to do whatever daily things I had to do to survive.

People may not understand why a brilliant and successful man chose suicide, I think I know part of that answer and it is that you live with it everyday, you work with it, you triumph over it but it is never really gone. Eventually, you grow tired, you just get tired of fighting with it, living with it and you just want to go to sleep where there is peace and the sorrow doesn't come to you.

I know that if I didn't have the ones I love depending on me, if I didn't know that they would not survive without me that I would eventually want that sleep, to rest from the daily task that is never ending of going ahead while suffering every moment.

I also know that God has made a difference, He gives me purpose and even though I don't want to carry on anymore at times I know I must and that He will help me and He does.

I have two or three pills left of my anxiety medication and because it's been so long since I've seen my doctor I have to go to his office to get the refill. I don't have money for a doctor visit and I have applied for help through the county but that takes weeks to process. So, here I am and I go through the process of being angry with myself for letting us get into this situation and being angry for the sake of being angry. I have feelings of I just don't care anymore let it all go and just walk out and live on the street alone, truth is I'm stuck, trapped with nowhere to turn except for God. I have to trust Him that He knows and cares.

For the first time in my life I have another health issue lately and that is my stomach. I have had some real problems with it and I've been throwing up on and off and threw up some blood once. I think it is everything getting to me so I am watching what I eat and that seems to help. I don't care much about that because I can do something about it, the anxiety is a ticking time bomb, I quit taking my pills last year and went down into the pit as far as anyone has and I am not looking forward to it happening again, especially now.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Just feeling anxiety today

Yesterday I was tired, I don't really have a reason for being tired but I was and I slept for awhile in the afternoon. I woke up tired, it might be that the weather is getting hot again. I sometimes just need to shutdown for awhile to recharge mentally and maybe that's it.

I am a little panicky, I am almost out of coffee and gas for the car. I don't indulge in many things but I like coffee and I live on caffeine, we don't buy pop anymore and mostly drink juice, milk and water but I do drink coffee and it's going to be terrible without it.

I don't mind not having money except for when we don't have enough for basic needs. Of course there is the issue of having a roof over our heads and whether we loose our two horses.

Today is supposed to be a pretty hot day, I have enjoyed the milder weather and cooler nights but I am really worried about the winter. It was a very hard winter last year and I drove out late at night most nights to make sure the horses had water that wasn't frozen and some extra hay to keep their body temperatures up through the long nights.

This has been a very hard year in general and another bad winter is just overwhelming to think about. I pray it isn't as bad as last winter, it hurt a lot of animals, we lost our sweet Dusti too. Nature is tough sometimes, I love it but it's tough.  

Saturday, August 9, 2014

How things are today

I worked earlier this week but the employer I am working for as a contract underwriter has not yet completely turned me loose on my own. The process is very slow and it will cause me to loose any earnings I would have in two weeks.

The job started at the end of the pay period so I won't see any money for two weeks. I have an interview next week at a local company and I am going to try and impress them. Employers don't care about people, I will have to come across as life is great and I am the best thing since white bread.

In the meantime the internet bill is paid for, the car payment will be paid but I am one month behind, horse board is due next week and I do not have it. At the end of the month it is the phone and electric bills and they will be shut off if I don't pay.

I am mentally better than I was a week ago simply because of people helping me. I have always found a way to land on my feet but this time I haven't found a way yet and I have asked for help which is hard for me to do.

I carry on though day by day trying to deal with that particular days challenges. I know when I do get a job I am going to put money aside regardless of any demands by bill collectors or otherwise. I know I have to make plans to keep us safe if at anytime we are in a situation like this again.

One things besides savings is using some of whatever I get to help people on a monthly basis. I think it is important to give to someone else because that was God's original plan. Those of us He blesses greatly is wise to bless other's so that the Lord is glorified. It gives me great pleasure to give to someone or to a rescue to  know that someone are something will have something they need. 

God has feelings too

I thought about the past year and how good things were when I was working and I remembered the deep depression I had just before Christmas. I thought of how I wanted all of the horses to be together and I was very unhappy that Cody and Aubrey aren't here with us and boarded out. I thought about I wish I had a home with a barn instead of this big house and land with no fences.

I thought about these things again from the perspective of where we are now in our lives. I realized that all of us have a beautiful home and even though the two bigger horses aren't here now they are very well taken care of where they are at. I also thought about horses that aren't so fortunate. I thought about how fortunate the two little horses are with what I have been able to fence in for them. They have fresh grass a place to be free and not stalled up all of the time. Kylie and the dogs and parrots like this home and they are all safe.

Depression is a powerful affliction, some of what I went through during this time was thoughts of being a failure and not feeling as if I deserved to live.

I prayed to God recently and apologized for not being thankful. I thanked Him for the life He has given me and his Mercy and kindness. I felt the thoughts I had in my depression hurt God's feelings. I felt this strongly because He has done good by us but I wasn't thankful. I took for granted His care for me and that He included all of which I love the most, He has provided for me and Kylie and all of my animals.

I felt things change immediately after this prayer and He restored my hope. I love the Lord and I am sad that I did not think of Him and that is wrong whether it be the Creator of the world or a person or animal friend. I am happy that He instructs me even now on being a better person.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Swimming against the current

Trying not to get swept under is hard and the effort to keep above water can't be stopped for a moment. I have a headache today, I've been staring at documents for hours trying to work as fast as I can. I was able to work this week as a contract underwriter but it is per loan that I am paid. I am still overdrawn on my account so what little I made won't benefit us this week.

I don't have any other sources of income right now at all. Next week is going to be even more difficult for us. I continue to pray and have faith in God. 

Monday, August 4, 2014

Monday, a horrible day

I got a call from my landlord this morning a 8 am. Terrified I didn't answer the phone and then he texted me. I told him I would call him today or tomorrow to talk, I am in a state of panic and am working on getting up the courage to call him and give him an update.

Last I spoke with him I had the contract job which I still do but there has been now work for the last two weeks and that means no money and no idea when the situation will change. I know I will have to decide what will happen next.

Applied for many jobs over the weekend but is it too late for anything that will save our lives here and where we will live. 

Sunday, August 3, 2014

It would be a perfect day

Today would have been perfect if it weren't for the huge pendulum swinging over me now of will we survive this month. Kylie and I walked the flea market this morning mainly for exercise. Usually we find something great there and usually don't buy anything but it is still exciting. Today was we found nothing of real interest, there is a greenhouse seller there that has terrific flowers and are very low priced but you can't buy things in our situation. I still enjoyed walking around and the sun was behind the clouds and it was cool.

I am behind on my school work this week because my mind and energy is somewhere else right now. I doubt if I will be able to continue school because family trumps all else but I do need to finish these classes with as high a grade as possible. I've managed to stay around -A in all except Medical Ethics which was an excruciating class to be in and I hadn't written a research paper before. I still managed a b+ though.

I have a wonderful friend in British Columbia that messages me daily and keeps my spirits up and I try to stay positive.

I still have the same resolve as yesterday, I will be working on selling some things this week and looking deeper for options I would not have wanted to consider like jobs in a different state. A person I admire gave me advise when we lost the farm and that was that what matters is you are all still together, that is what is important and you have each other. He was right because my life really is the ones I love and nothing else.

I know too that I matter to my daughter and to my surrogate family of animals. There have been times through the years I have asked God why he let me live (I should have died as an infant) and that was a gross slap in the face to God, I have spilled the milk many times and for most of my life felt like a total misfit but there are ones that need me and ones I have made a difference to and that is something to make you want to embrace life and be thankful for.  

A hopeless romantic

People that know me would never guess I am a hopeless romantic, I am to the bone. I have crazy dreams of everyone and everything being good for the most part. I always believe good triumphs over evil and although when I loose my temper and really say pretty blunt things it's because deep down I am hurt. There were very cruel people in my life as a child and to this day I still love them and pray that they are well and happy, I know they have not thought of me since my mother passed away.

I have been through many things especially since Kylie was born and I carried the torch of hope through it all. I've ruined my health, disappointed people, did many things that were humiliating and let people down. No one  or at least most people don't start out with the intention of hurting people or disappointing them, worse still a person can make many mistakes and sometimes life limits a persons choices and you just try to make the best of them.

One huge obstacle for me has been the isolation in my life. I was not raised by my biological family, I was not wanted in my adopted family except by my mother who raised me alone in poverty. When she passed away there was nothing left to build on, no support system and my ex-husband made sure I was not welcome in his family.

All these years I've worked a full-time job raising Kylie except when we were on the farm and the past few months. I never had time to bond with other parents most of which were married and had no concept of what our lives were like.

My biological father who is very wealthy has made a lifetime career of destroying each and every one of his seven children. I have been able to escape their fate because I have chosen to set boundaries with him and I don't play along with him because I know he has money. At this point only one of my siblings even speaks to him and that is for the sake of my other siblings, she loves him but he is toxic and so she does the best she can.

Tonight some realities hit me and hit me hard, asking people for money isn't going to work for me. I told myself it was for the ones I love but things are critical and this is the second time I have had to face this situation in three years. People always say to me, you will be okay it will all workout. I think they say this because it always has and because I've faced it and come through it and many other hard things. I am glad they have faith in me because I sure don't. Next year I will be 50 and I tell you I am getting tired, I don't have the strength and courage I had before. I want to give up and let it all go, that means death to me, in my heart.

I have very little of value in possessions except two things, an antique saddle and my mother's little ring with some tiny diamonds in it meant for Kylie. I know mom would want me to sell it if it came down to something that we needed. I won't get much for either item but whatever I get it will help.

Kylie wants so badly to go to the school in this county because of a special program. If I accepted a job out of state we would be fine and there are plenty out there I could qualify for and make good money. I may have to figure out a way to get a job as far as Columbus or I may have to just take whatever wherever and pull her out to keep us all together.

I don't know what the answer is and I've prayed my heart out for one. I know that I can trust God and I will not waiver from that belief. Outside of my faith in God I know I must face some very ugly things very soon and I will have to do it alone. If I don't we will be homeless soon and the animals especially the horses will have to be given up.

My Cody, mom bought him for me 18 years ago the one time she had money and she said it was to make up for all the things I didn't have as a child. Cody is twenty now, I went to see him this evening and it's tough when you know were things are headed.

I am preparing myself for this, school can no longer be a priority for me I most likely will have to drop it. I really believe a college degree is not in the cards for me. I need to get things in order here and Monday I must start out putting things in place, I am not sure what will happen next but I must set my mind to doing everything and anything I can.

This gives me more peace than asking for help, the only thing worse than asking for help is being rejected, I have had a lifetime of rejection I can do without it now. 

Saturday, August 2, 2014

The most caring and considerate

There is nothing more caring and considerate beings on earth sometimes than our animal friends. When I really down sometimes the only thing I can do is lay down and go to sleep, my dogs stay with me at times like this and sensing how I feel offer their best in way of comfort, many times I have needed their love and comfort through times that seemed unbearable. Since this is the second time our lives have been thrown into uncertainty in three years there have been some real hard days and nights of worry.

I try to maintain normal sleeping hours most of the time, the same as if I were working and I have one special little helper for that, Cooper my Sheltie. He makes sure I wake up on time, I use my phone for an alarm but Cooper is way more effective. He will sneeze, scratch, pace and bark on time every morning until I get up. Occasionally, and especially if it is to early Micah my Collie mix will intervene and keep Cooper away until it is the time to get up. I always wake up with Daniel my Golden laying as close as possible against my back quietly snuggling up to me as Golden's love to do.

When I get up the two parrots that we have are on alert for breakfast. Nana and Lokie like to be pet first and then get their nutritious food, the one with all the vitamins they need for the day and then regular bird food mainly seeds next. Nana will remind me if I don't do this right away, sometimes nicely by talking and sometimes turning her volume up.

Nana will be quiet for the rest of the morning until she hears Kylie stir and then she lets loose until Kylie acknowledges her but if she thinks Kylie is sleeping she doesn't make a peep.

I let the ponies out every morning and before the run out into the field to eat Pony always walks up to me and puts his head in my chest for a petting and then he goes.  All of them know when things are going well, I suppose they are attune to our moods and behavior but they never fail to try and lift our spirits in some way.

Animals are compassionate and always happy, of course the key to their happiness is that they get to be with us and of course there's food and water. Their needs though are simple and they enjoy each moment.

Special thanks to the Cooper Alarm Clock company thought for always being on the job!


Friday, August 1, 2014

My Birthday

Today started out as a very interesting day, it started early and last night was a very late night. I spent my night applying for jobs and trying to think of ways to keep us going until I get a job. My first call this morning was with legal aide, I am going to need some help with the collectors that are hounding me, yes they hound even when you have no income.

The second call was from a very nice reporter from Huffington Post, we talked on the phone several times this week, he was waiting for the unemployment figures to be released to the news to publish his story. I was able to contribute and he used some of my thoughts in his story. Sadly, this nice man informed me that he has done many stories on the topic and people are no longer interested. He also said that based on percentages over 9 million people are still unemployed. There is a great deal of suffering in this country, all around us but no one is interested anymore.

I set up a gofundme.com account at a suggestion of a couple of friends, one of them donated, the one who just a few months ago lost her home. Another friend I've known for a long time and who has a large family and many rescue animals stopped by to share her families groceries with us. These groceries are better than we would have bought for ourselves and she gave us enough to get us through two weeks.

Lastly, a person I have never met and lives in another country who is also a single parent and on disability who is my good friend because we talk to each other everyday on the internet and try to be a comfort to each other sent me help. I ask her not to but she knows first hand what we are going through and also the years of stress and struggle that we have been through and she said she couldn't stand by and not help in some way.

I feel new strength today because of the people who have cared what happens to us, more than anything that is the best part about being in this situation. Many people go through similar things, worse things and when they do they become more complete as people. They take what God has given them and they bless other's with it, that is the beauty of Christ of God as it was intended to be. How fortunate I am to have been the recipient of this marvelous gift from God.

I honestly didn't think anyone would step up and help for two reasons, things are so very tough for people and people don't want to get involved or even maybe they think I am some kind of con artist. I'm really sorry for anyone in any of these categories, you know all this time while I've been on unemployment if God gave me an opportunity to give a few dollars here or there I did, I never told anyone except Kylie.

It has been a good birthday, I've spent it with the ones I love. I will continue to mine for jobs and keep pushing as hard as I can to get one, I will try my best to keep my classes up which is truly difficult right now because my mind is on other things and I will do my best to love and cherish my little family for as long as we are all together.

It's hard to believe we've had to go through this for a second time in three years, it's not like I haven't been tempted to say Lord why, I have but although I haven't heard an answer yet I don't feel alone or forsaken.

So, happy birthday to me and God bless everyone and there families. 

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Hitting the bottom, almost

Hitting bottom or getting to the end of the rope, I am not sure which one is best suited for my situation. I don't really care what happens to me if it were just me but there are other's who depend on me and the worst thing for me is that they will all be hurt and possibly lost.

I have exhausted all of my unemployment benefits, was hired by a company as a contract underwriter for a big project that was cancelled and now have no income. When I say no income I mean just that, even child support has not come in for a month. It is $250 which in the past I have not relied on, if we got it I considered it as a bonus, Kylie has always been fed and clothed and her needs met primarily through my income.

I am one month behind on rent, I paid the horse board till the 15th of August and after that there will be no money to continue boarding them and nowhere to take them. We have almost no food in the house. All of the animals will have to be surrendered soon unless a miracle happens.

Kylie will be starting school in August with all of the dreams a young girl could have, she wants to be an engineer and will be going to the Career Center to work towards that goal.

I have prayed night and day for help, still I have arrived at absolute desperation. I am willing to beg for all of these dependent on me, to feed them and keep them safe. I would beg on the street, on the internet, I would do any job or task that would help them. Basically, I would give my life for them.

With the facts laid out my Paypal account is reagolden@aol.com. If my crisis interests you, if you feel compelled please help us. It is humiliating to do this, I am just so crushed inside but there are the ones I must take care of and so I am willing to do this or anything to save them all. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

The straw that broke the camels back

I haven't posted in weeks, the job I thought I had fell through and I was partially to blame. I scrambled around and got a contract job underwriting but you only work when they have files and this week there has been nothing. Unemployment ends this week. Surviving on unemployment is far from comfortable, it's been a struggle every week to eat and take care of the animals and bills. You can't apply for any other assistance because if you get any income you don't qualify for anything and so you do the best you can.

Kylie told me something that made me very angry today, I realize now I need to pray for people. We may be hungry, we may be fighting for our lives right now and maybe out on the street soon but we are not nor have we ever been beggars. I have raised Kylie to have compassion and empathy and if she ever knew anyone that needed help that it was her duty to try and help or least have compassion.

Kylie informed me today that the topic of not having food one week was discussed with one of her friends, her friends curt reply was if food was an issue why didn't you tell your other friend because her family does charity. Interesting, Kylie has her little part time job and she knows of a teenager in our neighborhood where her father is not working, she bought this girl some candy and gave it to her so she would feel like someone cared for her. The girl is new to the neighborhood and has been through some things and Kylie understands how it feels.

Child support has not come in two weeks, it is not unusual for this to happen. It is pointless to talk to Kylie's dad, she won't talk to him because he always thinks that he should get something for his money and so strings are attached. My father who could help believes we should just go to a homeless shelter. Maybe more prayers are in order, not for us but for these two.

I am venting right now, I have done everything in my power to try and get a job that will keep us here. I have not called people begging for money or food and I won't. I do know one thing, when and if I do get a good job again I will be seeking out people who are suffering and in need. I also might be telling a few people to kiss off although I will still pray. Mostly right now I thank God for His goodness, I thank God that I have a daughter that I can be proud of, she is a good person and she has character, all the material things and college and big houses and new cars can't buy that and I think some parents would do well to think about that.

Another thing, I don't suppose it ever occurs to anyone unless they have been through it how demoralizing and humiliating it is to have to take help from anyone including unemployment or any other assistance. It doesn't matter that I never had a real mother and father, never had anything handed to me, never finished high school but yet I worked my way up, I never hooked up with men to pay my bills or have some creep hanging around Kylie. I know plenty of women who have done this, I don't go get my hair done or buy fancy clothes or do anything except try to take care of Kylie and keep the animals because they are all I've got. Another thing, I am not selling the horses, I'll die first trying to make it. They'd end up at an auction, sorry but I can't let that happen. That is the real world, animals get put down or killed if they don't have a home. People need to wake up.

While I'm venting I might as well add that Kylie has been taught not to throw away food when she eats out, especially meat. The reason why is because an animal was slaughtered, it was killed and all life should be respected. Once again the real world, people don't want to hear about how animals are kept and then slaughtered and the monstrous suffering they go through so that we can order food at a restaurant and then eat half of it and throw it away instead of boxing it up. That is not only a slap in the face the animal that was slaughtered but the people in this world who die every second from starvation. I like to see people have to go out and kill their food maybe then they wouldn't be so ignorant.

The last thing is I have felt for a while that some parents that know me don't think I am a very good parent because I tell Kylie the truth. What do they think I should tell her that the food or rent fairy will be here soon? To go as far as to tell Kylie it isn't her responsibility to worry about me or what is happening here at home. Kylie and I are very close and we worry about each other because we are a family. Life is not a fairy tale, Kylie will be able to succeed in life because she has been taught to meet life's challenges and to know what is important and guess what it isn't money or vacations or expensive crap.

Kylie has been taught to respect life, to respect herself, to have dignity and she will do fine. I have given her more than I ever had, I would have given her more if it were in my power to do so but I am proud of her, I sit back now and I see that she is okay and that she is going to be okay and that she believes in God and He will be with her.

I will pray for her friends and their families and my dad and others. Although we are not financially well right now we are still rich in ways that maybe people just don't understand.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Easter is upon us

I got a call from a company that one of my previous co-workers gave my name as referral, I had to take an assessment, one of those kind of tests that you have to problem solve. The tests are timed and I always get nervous, I don't know if I passed or not. Going through the interview process is getting harder and harder, I feel like I am really feeling intimidated because I am up against younger applicants. When you are laid-off of course your spirits can get pretty low and you feel like you are stuck in a deep rut.

I am still working on the fence, it is never fun putting up fence or easy either. Kylie road Aubrey yesterday and really for the first time in a long time enjoyed it. I finally found out about my college credits and I have 40 although not all of them will apply to this degree, I will have to take college algebra again, I am not looking forward to it.

Today Kylie worked and will be off tomorrow which is nice, the guy who owns the little store she works doesn't ask his employees to work holidays like Easter, his store will only be open a few hours and he will work them. I thought that was very nice, Kylie doesn't know how fortunate she is because most retail jobs demand you work holidays.

The weather is really nice and one morning I went on my farm sit and there was still snow in some places and by the end of the day the grass had burst into vibrant green. I wish I could say it made me feel better but I am kind of down because of the work situation and nothing is shaking it.

Kylie had a sleep over during the week and her friends family sent some Easter gifts and even a small ham home with her. I appreciated it very much because neither of us were much in the holiday mood. When Kylie was little I used to hide Easter eggs all over the house and in the yard, I bought her a stuffed bunny every year, she still has big bunny which was a huge stuffed bunny I got her when she was little. I have reflected on Christ and the real meaning of Easter the past few days. It is so easy with how commercial things are now to forget the meaning of the holiday and what we should celebrate.

Tomorrow I will do my farm sit and we will go to the flea market, we'll have a nice dinner and maybe see the horses. It will be a quiet day, I am not even sure that my brother will come down and visit. I have cleaned a couple of rooms this week, I need to vacuum upstairs and dust the rest of the house.

I will be grooming my dogs within the next few days so the house will stay cleaner longer, they are shedding and the ponies and horses are too. Soon it will be time to cut the grass, it will be a challenge this year because our mower is on it's last leg. I had intended to replace it this year but that isn't going to happen now.

I will move the pony fence around some to let the ponies mow the grass for me so maybe I'll just have to cut the front yard, that is plenty all by its self. I have been able to spend time with Kylie and I start school at the end of April but I am scared, I just don't know how much longer we can keep going without finding a job.

I pray and hope that God has a plan for us and that it will all be well. 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The horror

Beautiful warm weather and then this morning the first thing I see is snow on the ground, the horror. Of course it will be gone in a day but still after the winter we had it's hard to look at. Yesterday I picked up the last of the fence and will start installing it this week on a warm day.

I feel bad for the horses and other animals outside, it's going to be really cold tonight. Kylie rode Aubrey yesterday and there were three other horses in the arena, he did really well. Kylie was frustrated because she was almost saddled up when others showed up and sort of took over the arena, she wanted to work on some of Aubrey's issues under saddle but couldn't do it. They still had a good ride and like in all boarding barns there are always some people who don't respect others. We will work around it coming out earlier or at night to make sure we have some alone time to do more work with both Aubrey and Cody. Hopefully soon it will be hot enough to give the horses a bath.

The farm sitting is very therapeutic, the animals are really sweet and I am enjoying the trees and land too. I wish I had more farms to sit, it is a nice way to earn some money and at the same time allow people to go on vacation without having to worry.

Later today I have to pick up the check from the grooming I did and take Kylie to Home Depot, I plan on doing some housework since it's cold outside and gloomy. 

Sunday, April 13, 2014

End of a busy weekend

Litchfield sprung to life this weekend, the warm sunshine seemed to bring everyone outdoors. I have to admit I enjoyed it myself. I finished my job today with a Newfoundland that had been partially dried without his coat being blown out and with what was dried the hair was knotted from the dryer. I was thankful that he was a sweet gentle giant and I worked on him till I got him straitened out. A good bather is worth their weight in gold, it is more than just giving a dog a bath, it is using the right products, washing and working in the shampoo and most importantly dry the dog with skill while brushing out the coat.

I did not have the advantage of having a good bather and if I plugged in more than one dryer the breaker would shut off and I'd have to stop and flip it back on. It was a challenging day to say the least. I drove over to where Kylie works afterwards and bought her a late lunch and stayed with her for awhile. I came home and then we went to the farm sit and finally home for the evening.

Tomorrow I will start getting things cleaned up around here and get the posts in for the fence. I am hoping to spend some time with our horses too. I am also praying for a good job opportunity to come along since things are picking up. 

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Going from nothing to total chaos

I picked up fence on Monday and started grooming on Tuesday. The week went well, I started the farm sitting on Thursday. I like farm sitting the best, it's peaceful going to a farm and I see to seniors, a horse and a mule, some cats and two dogs. They are great animals and know their routine very well.

Kylie worked Friday evening, Saturday and she will work tomorrow. I am really proud of her, she gets ready for work on time and has integrity. I took her to a steel shop this week to look at metal sheets for her projects, she was really fascinated by it all.

The old truck sold at auction and did really well which is good news, we need the money this month to keep the lights on, food, board, and the lease payment. I did get some calls and emails from some of the jobs I submitted my resume to and that means are starting to pick up.

Our bunny Theodore went off of his food and had a flare up of snuffles, it's a bacterial issue that causes an upper respiratory infection that if not treated can be fatal. I picked up some antibiotics and started giving him spinach and cleaned his cage. Theodore is better now even without the antibiotics and I am relieved. I just couldn't go through another death right now, he is such a sweet bunny and we've had him for a few years.

Towards the end of the week the grooming didn't go so well. There is no bather and the dogs are big and have long full coats. I would bet that most of the dogs I have done have been roughed up by the previous groomer and that makes it tough. Today there were too many dogs booked and I had a bather for a couple of them but bathed the rest myself. One person wanted me to cut her elderly dogs nails till they bled to get them short enough and I refused. I was able to sand the down without hurting the dog and get the nails shorter.

To do a good job grooming and for the dog to feel relaxed there needs to be a bather and a groomer when there are more than three or four dogs in a day unless they are small and short haired. I doubt if the owners of the place will agree with me that is why I think the dogs were roughed up. When I see such fear in dogs that are groomed regularly something is not right.

I told the owner's of the place I wasn't comfortable and I will work tomorrow and that's it. I worked in a great grooming shop before and they did 8 or 10 dogs a day minimum but there were two bathers and one groomer. The dogs loved going there and they were washed dried and groomed to perfection. I am a much better groomer just from working at the other shop, I learned so much and it's a shame things aren't going to work out but I won't put dogs through it or myself.

I start school at the end of the month and if I don't pick up a good job this month will continue dog boarding here and pet sitting. I also have to finish putting up the fence and redoing the pony fence before the grass starts growing tall.

Tomorrow is going to be a tough day, I will be glad when it is over. I will take Kylie to work in the morning go to the farm sit and head to the shop and finish it up. I have to pack up my equipment and bring it home. I think I will be relieved really.

I am so grateful for the sunshine and the warmth, I realize that I felt very down and it may have been mostly the weather, of course getting some interest in my resume didn't hurt either. I try and thank God everyday and remind myself not to complain, it's not easy sometimes but I feel better when I drive the negative thoughts away and keep being thankful.