Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Monday, February 24, 2014

Sunshine in darkness

Yesterday, one of the nicest things happened, a friend read my blog and saw that Dusti had passed away and they called and came over and brought us dinner. My friend Cindy understood that it was like loosing a family member because she too had lost her beloved dog. Kindness, should never be taken for granted, someone cared how I felt and that was the true gift and a precious one.

I also had an old friend stop by, one I hadn't seen in years and he is doing well and is the person, sometimes silly but a good person and he made me laugh.

Still no job leads which worries me because I worry about keeping Cody and Aubrey at the boarding barn. We can get by on very little but I have to be able to pay the horse board.

Saturday, all three dogs got bathed, groomed and dried. They were all really happy to get cleaned up and I missed Dusti, he was the hardest to groom because he was so old and couldn't stand up for me to do him right, he'd have to sit down after awhile. Dusti loved to be brushed and he had a beautiful coat of light gold with long feathers on his legs. Dusti had a marvelous tail and I would trip it up and he was just beautiful.

Even vacuuming is hard because when I would vacuum Dusti would lay down somewhere and then have to move and I'd direct him to where he could lay down and not have to get up. Every night at bedtime the three dogs get up but there is not the fourth and I miss him. He always got up next to me because he hated thunderstorm, I know I will always think of him when it thunders. It's hard to see the snow too because he loved to roll in it. I see him when it snows in my heart just loving it.

We are almost out of wood and will have to buy some more because the cold is back and will be here for awhile longer. I don't have the truck now so the wood and hay will have to be delivered.

Cooper looks like he gained 20 pounds, he's a Sheltie wtih a beautiful full coat that I fluffed and used the dryer to blow the loose hair out and he is just a little puff ball. He's so proud of his clean fluffy coat, all the dogs have been strutting, I know they feel better and now there won't be so much loos dog hair in the house.

I have to clean the pony stall today which I hate, there is no drainage so it is always harder to clean. We put the coats back on the horses because the nights again will be in teens. I love all the animals so much, Nana had a great meal yesterday, she had a taste of everything we ate. I pray for us all to make it through this winter and I get a good job and that we will all be safe and together.


Tuesday, February 18, 2014

My beautiful old gentlemen is gone

February 10th I awoke to find that Dusti could no longer walk, he lost the use of his two hind legs. We tried to get him up but it was clear he couldn't move them at all. We found a large bump on his spine and of course the fear was that something was terribly wrong, the kind of wrong that cannot be fixed.

We carried Dusti from the bedroom to the family room and laid blankets out and a pillow so that we could take turns laying down with him and comforting him. I made the call to the vet and to a friend that owns a place where pets are cremated. The vet could come early but I asked them to come later in the afternoon so that we could hold him a little longer and say goodbye.

Dusti wasn't panicked about his situation, he was very tired but alert. He put his paw on Kylie's head when she lay with him, petting him. He still ask for pets, but I know he was feeling pain, probably from the tumor on his spine. The vet confirmed it was a tumor and probably cancer.

I held him till it was over, it was so hard letting go. I knew it was part of loving Dusti to do the right thing and to have it done at home where he felt safe and to stay with him till the end. It broke my hearth though, certainly I am overcome with sadness. 13 years is a long relationship, Dusti came to me when he was 4 months old. I still see him as a puppy.

Dusti was a very unique and special dog, he was quiet but he made a huge impact on our lives, all of our lives. Goodbye old friend and confidant, I will miss you for the rest of my life. Dusti loved the snow and he rolled in it every time he went out. The last puppy snow angel has been covered with new snow, every time it snows I will still see Dusti rolling in it like he was still a puppy, till the day I die.

Joe, who owns Paws Awhile and has the facilities to cremate pets came and got Dusti, he died at approximately 2:00 p.m. on the 10th. I picked up his ashes on Valentines Day and put them in a trunk I have with Courage's ashes and last toys and collar.

I started this post on the tenth but am finishing it today. I was too overcome with grief to finish writing, Daniel my other Golden misses Mr. Dusti, and Micah has stepped up and is now comforting and sleeping next to him.

The first night was horrible because Dusti always waited for me to tell him it was okay to go through a door or up and down stairs. Dusti never ran in front of me, I had trained him from a puppy to wait at the top of the steps so when Kylie who was only 4 when we got Dusti wouldn't get knocked down a flight of stairs in our old house. Dusti would wait to drink or eat until I said it was okay and even though he was slow at getting upstairs to the bedroom I'd call him and he would come and ask permission to get on the bed.

There isn't anymore waiting, how many times I have turned around to tell him go ahead boy, now many times I have went to bed without him in his spot of 13 years. That is the worst part, not death but going on living without the ones you love.


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

The rough start to 2014

January 1 was celebrated because all I could think of is winter passing by faster and daylight lasting longer. January 3 I was laid off. Of course it was like a terrible blow of absolute fear and terror after going through so much barely a year earlier with loosing the farm.

I've submitted resume's to many companies and no calls or interviews yet but I do have unemployment and a little savings and so we are still able to survive for a time.February started out with Kylie and I getting the flu, I got it really bad and had to break down and go to the doctor and almost thought I'd have to go to the hospital.

A couple of nights ago the brake peddle on the truck seemed low and then of course the brake warning light comes on. The breaks had gone completely out on the truck about 3 years ago scaring me half to death, I had the whole thing redone and thought that would be the last thing that would go on the truck.

January was a month of below zero temps, snow and ice. I religiously went to the barn late at night to make sure the horses had hay to keep them warm, I took care of the ponies and dealt with the outside weather.

I have debated why God would allow me to be laid off, I know that sometimes changes or loss happen to make way for bigger and better things. It has taken me weeks for my mind to settle, being really sick forced me to lay down and shut up and rest. Rest, after maybe the hardest 2 years I can remember and finally my thoughts are quiet and I feel better and healthier.

A very good friend who has a friend that has his own private little garage took the truck tonight to fix it. The cost will be a lot less than taking it to a local mechanic shop, it has to be fixed or no wood and no hay, plus the four wheel drive is good for late night trips to the barn.

I am not sure about the future, I know I'll get a job when the mortgage season picks up or I'll get another job in banking. Maybe I'll be charged up and ready for a new job, but one thing is for sure, God is all that I have that is for certain and I am going to hold Him to His promises and that is where my hope rests.