Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Change

Endings, new beginnings, death, and new life... It's all about change. I am no stranger to change, I think I've managed to shove several lifetimes into one. I am guessing some people are born, grow up in relatively the same home with the same people, move out but not to far away from the familiar and basically stay in about the same environment for their whole lives.

Everyone experiences loss, discovery, and the in between but to what extent for the average person I cannot say. I can't help but feel there are many mundane things about people who have generally lived a less eventful life. Shopping, TV, sports, alcohol, and I don't know just things that seem to kill time till the inevitable happens.

I am not criticizing or belittling anyone it's just hard to relate to all the sameness, the self entertainment and lack of action or purpose, I am just a square peg trying to fit in a round hole when it comes to understanding how things are in general for many people I come in contact with, okay most of the rest of the world as I know it.

Kylie and I have been in the process of grieving for the farm, not the old house but the life with horses where we were so much a part of the land and the animals. Now, we have a wonderful home which I am grateful for, a great job, at least enough money to survive. I have basically the American dream, there is some drama as I still owe money on debts I have to repay, the owner's of the old farm are trying to draw and quarter me with a lawsuit in which they feel they are entitled to an enormous amount of money etc. Still, as the average person would see it as I'm doing okay.

There isn't a struggle, nothing to push against, or to fight for life or survival. There is nothing I am passionate about for the first time in my life. I can't just go to work and come home to watch TV or just kill time, it will slowly kill me. From my childhood I've always had a restlessness in my soul, a desire but for what I didn't really know. I think I am like the horses I've taken care of, it's the open gate, the open door I strive for, to burst out of it and run wild and free without thinking of convention or correctness.

I'm not happy completely, I'm still a little lost. I feel sorry for the owner's of the old farm, they are angry and bitter, I wish they could find happiness and go on with their lives. There are friends that weren't there for me when we were going through the worst that want to reconnect but I don't want to drag the old hurts into a new life.

I miss Emmy sitting in the barn waiting for me in the morning or watching me from the rafters. I miss Mare Girl, Rauls, Preacher, Polo and William. It wasn't the place that captured my heart, it was the sound of hoof beats, of the quiet eating of hay and snorts at night in a dark barn. The joy of watching Mare run with her tail in the air, Rauls looking like a beautiful white phantom as he galloped out of the barn, Polo's soft nuzzling and joy at being with other horses that loved him. I miss Preachers stoic charm and his respectful presence. William, sweet William and his cranky disposition.

I miss the soft muzzles and gentle eyes of creatures that accepted me as I am. Kylie grew into almost a young woman and worked side by side with me. Many lives I have lived, always struggling or at the mercy of circumstances, perhaps age has taken some of the starch and grit out of me I don't know but a complaisant life will never do.

Winter is a time when things pass away, the seed is dormant and waits and rests. In the spring nature struggles and forces it's way up through the cold dark days till finally again the sun shines warm rays and life returns. This is a time of winter for me, a time of solitude, reflection, and stagnation. Change is a merciful thing sometimes because it will not always be winter in my life, it will change regardless of what I do, then I'll be pushing at an unseen gate again, trying to break free from imagined chains until I'm able to burst through and feel the deep breath of life again, ready to struggle, to find a purpose to have passion.





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