Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Monday, July 27, 2015

A moment to be thankful

July we moved to the new place, we had to move in two weeks because of the landlord's schedule at the old house and we had to make it fit with the lady moving out of this house. It wasn't easy, I asked friends to help, they said they would but didn't show up because of the holiday weekend. Kylie and I and my brother Greg moved everything. 

I had to rent a truck twice, I rented a small trailer for the mower. We had to try and clean the old house and do what we could in the short time that we had. Kylie's 18th birthday fell right in the middle, I can't say it was much of a celebration. Moving got right down ugly with my landlord hitting me with everything he could even though we didn't have enough time to do everything. Plus, being laid off from a salaried job for a year and half didn't make it easy either. I had a sales job but didn't make enough to survive on, I had exactly three checks under me before we moved. 

By the time we were done I have to say that I didn't care about anything. What was supposed to be really happy just made me feel numb. To add to it anyone I have told about what my dad did for me seems to encourage nothing but resentment. I guess people can't be happy for others, never mind that I was abandoned by both my parents before I was a year old and nothing has come easy for me. 

The blessing is though is the animals are all together, they have a good place. Kylie is warming up to the place and she worked in the barn all weekend, it is safe here and we can eventually have more than just paycheck to paycheck to live on. The last five years have just burned me down to the ground with carrying the weight of trying to keep everyone together and survive, not to mention being destroyed financially twice in that time period. 

A few days ago I felt that this time my spirit was broken and I just felt numb but after some much needed sleep and rest and being surrounded by such beauty I am slowly recovering. The land and the trees here are beautiful and there is a constant peace and seclusion I need to heal my soul. 

I am slowly cutting down the overgrown pastures and the horses are emerging as they graze. I can see them from the back steps. I put a sliding bench seat between two beautiful maples that is just right outside the pasture to sit in the evening and just soak up the beauty of land and horses and the horizon. 

It will take an abundance of work to get things organized after the move and it will certainly take some serious labor to clear the pastures and grounds of weeds and overgrowth but I will chisel away at it and by fall it will be well groomed. 

The horses were out most of the day since the temperature came down and there was a nice breeze. I inherited several cats from the previous owner, two of them are maine coon and they are beautiful. All of the cats are outdoor cats and are all in good health except one elderly one. 

The old owner is an elderly lady and she comes every evening to feed them and check on them. I don't have the heart to not let her come or to give a way her cats. It is an extra responsibility but the world is so full of hard people, so unkind and selfish I am sick about it. I just know I don't want to be like people I've experienced, even if it is a small thing like letting an elderly lady spend time with her cats and caring for the cats themselves who were all drop offs, I want to do it because I have been blessed and also mistreated and I see things differently because of both. 

Work is going well and I will be earning overtime which is much needed. It will be a long time before I am able to catch up and pay everything off. I never thought that not only would my salvation come from God which isn't that hard to believe but also my father. I can only say that life is full of miracles, I can never say that things just happen by chance, no there is a kind and loving God. I can never doubt the existence of God. 

I have been through a war, or many wars really. I feel battered and beaten down but I pray every day for God to restore my strength and passion for life. When I pray I feel the answer is there is a time, like the bible says a time for many things, the cycles of life. This is a time for peace and healing and though I am low I will once again be lifted up. 

All of the animals have adjusted to the new environment, Nana our parrot was a little unsettled but now I can spend time with her and she seems to be reassured. The dogs are happy because they are with us no matter where that is, Tiger Lilly my cat that I brought with me seems to appreciate some cat company. Everyone is okay and the cats who I now have are pretty used to us.

Kylie is doing so well with her internship, she is practicing driving which I wish I were calmer about but it really is hard for me, I am too anxious and just want to faint in the truck. She has to get her license though and that is the only way, I have to just stick with it and let her learn. 

It is times like this when I wish she had a father around, someone who could help her learn to drive that wasn't as anxious as me. I've been there for her though for 18 years alone for the most part and I'll just have to go the distance. It is a shame that her dad can't see her now and know about all of her successes but I am not sure that he would see them as successes. He is a strange one and destructive without knowing. I know things are best as they are but I will be glad when the driving lessons are over. 

Everyone is sleeping, it's peaceful and safe. I am thankful, maybe not joyful but I am thankful. I just want to feel like we are safe and all the scary things are over for awhile. It is sort of like holding your breath until the threat is over and then being unable to breath. 

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