Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Pulling back

I have taken the last week to pull back and withdraw from interaction with friends on the internet. I have made myself have quieter evenings without so much computer and phone activity and I have tried to go to bed earlier.

Towards the end of the week I was exhausted from work as I have a very analytical job that gives me decision fatigue. I can get very burn out depending on how demanding the week is on my mind. I went to bed earlier and even though I did not sleep right away I benefited from the dark and quiet of lying in my bed and just trying to relax.

Another aspect of what I am trying to accomplish is to have a quieter mind and mouth, I am working hard to try and not swear as much and also to stop thinking so negatively. Getting to know my biological family and ancestors I see patterns of both negative thinking and expressing thoughts negatively or too sarcastically.

Things sometimes are not apparent until you take a step back without anyone around and  you start looking inward. I have had difficulty with reversing negativity because it is easy to fall into but the swearing is not so difficult.

I am working on getting estimates for the new flooring for this house and at the same time some things that will have to be done on the new property. There is so much to get done and prepare things for Dusty and his family to move in here and to be able to move in June with all of my animals. There are things to consider for Uncle Greg who will move in after he retires.

Now the nice weather has come the people I am trying to make things happen for seem to have disappeared, I am struggling with this but as I have told others, never do a kindness expecting a reward or anything in return, I now have to practice what I preach.

My daughter I have not heard from in at least two weeks, I had the flu and was very sick with a high fever and asked her to stop by because I was considering going to the hospital but she wouldn't come. Mind you I gave her money just before I got sick and so presto disappearo. I know it is her age and phase partially but that does not make it less hurtful to me.

In the end, I look around at the beauty outside, all of my wonderful animals and having a good job, I realize how blessed I am and it is time for some inner reflection. When I feel alone facing things and dealing with things they seem to workout and in ways that I know God is behind them. I do get tired of being strong and having to make many decisions regarding two properties but I guess I will get through it.

The next week I will continue to work on my thinking and feeling while I have solitude to do so. I have chores to do in the evening now that daylight is longer that relieve some of the anxiety my job brings on. I have been able to complete specific things that need to be done here one little project at a time but there is much more to go.

I had a very good day yesterday as I spent time in the morning on the new farm and the Amish neighbor who is a carpenter. The pond is crystal clear because it is spring fed, the fish come up to the surface so you can see them, there is a duck that has chosen to live there who is very handsome, the trees are filling out so that I can see how they look now that spring has come. I met some neighbors who are really nice.

It is a much quieter place than here, yesterday the neighbors shoot guns off for hours here and the other neighbors who have a lot of outdoor recreational vehicles race around all day. At the new place there will be few cars, mostly buggies and neighbors who are not as close and are very low profile.

My Daniel though has had a bad time with the weather snap from very warm to cold, he is getting to the age where he probably has arthritis and a deteriorating disk in his neck. I have ordered something to make it easier to get onto the couch, I have also started giving him joint supplements. Daniel is a huge dog, it will be difficult at times to make him comfortable and all of this is old age, he still thinks he can run and jump but then he hurts himself. This makes me sad to see as I know it will get worse over time, the blessing is though that I can spend time with him because I work from home, time is precious with pets because they don't live as long as we do.

Daniel will be my last Golden, he has a very pure heart and no matter how painful it is he will follow me and he will not rest unless I am within sight. If I am sick he will not leave my side for anything. We have a deep bond and he will be my last Golden, I love my other dogs, I will always have dogs and save lives but Daniel is my heart.

It is another blessing that after all these years I can make Daniel more comfortable, I can give him more time when he needs me. It was not always so and I am grateful these things are possible. 

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