Relationships have not been my strong suit in my lifetime. The older I get the more independent and set i my ways I get and I most often want to be alone. I have two dependents right now, my daughter and my step brother, they both need me to provide for them in different ways.
I care for numerous animals and the farm but both are almost always a pleasure to me. The difficulty with people is they are more complex and in ways more emotionally demanding. I don't have anyone to lean on, to be strong for me and in some cases share the burden of making decisions and fielding the problems and demands that my family sometimes needs help with.
When I am completely alone and the static noise of people is not present I am calm and I do not feel alone, it is when I am not alone that I feel my loneliest. It is hard to understand, part of it is I am driven to work, to do and to accomplish and I feel impeded and defeated with clutter and static in my environment. The other part of it is I never completely relax in the presence of others.
Probably a large part of the feelings I am experiencing is I think mostly of others comfort and needs. I will more than likely try to go above and beyond to meet the needs of my two human loved ones and then feel left out in a way. The feeling of being left out equates to I have not my own needs and desires in caring for myself or doing things I enjoy.
I do live to make the animals safe, healthy and happy, it maybe that I need to be cared for also. I know I can't look to or expect the people in my household right now to be strong and supportive to me because they need it more than I do.
Still, sometimes there is a feeling of hopelessness, of loneliness. It is a melancholy that takes hold of me. I want to cry, I want to be held for a moment, I want encouragement and even surprises. It will pass as it always does, there will be a sunny warm day and I'll be free from working at my job and I'll be outside and enjoying everything around me. I'll feel free and alive and I won't desire anymore than just the simplicity of it all.
I care for numerous animals and the farm but both are almost always a pleasure to me. The difficulty with people is they are more complex and in ways more emotionally demanding. I don't have anyone to lean on, to be strong for me and in some cases share the burden of making decisions and fielding the problems and demands that my family sometimes needs help with.
When I am completely alone and the static noise of people is not present I am calm and I do not feel alone, it is when I am not alone that I feel my loneliest. It is hard to understand, part of it is I am driven to work, to do and to accomplish and I feel impeded and defeated with clutter and static in my environment. The other part of it is I never completely relax in the presence of others.
Probably a large part of the feelings I am experiencing is I think mostly of others comfort and needs. I will more than likely try to go above and beyond to meet the needs of my two human loved ones and then feel left out in a way. The feeling of being left out equates to I have not my own needs and desires in caring for myself or doing things I enjoy.
I do live to make the animals safe, healthy and happy, it maybe that I need to be cared for also. I know I can't look to or expect the people in my household right now to be strong and supportive to me because they need it more than I do.
Still, sometimes there is a feeling of hopelessness, of loneliness. It is a melancholy that takes hold of me. I want to cry, I want to be held for a moment, I want encouragement and even surprises. It will pass as it always does, there will be a sunny warm day and I'll be free from working at my job and I'll be outside and enjoying everything around me. I'll feel free and alive and I won't desire anymore than just the simplicity of it all.
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