Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Home today

I am home today instead of at work. We moved but we are not settled in as things are still packed. I am sitting here enjoying the new place and relaxing before starting on organizing stuff. Litchfield is such a nice place to live and the house is so inviting and bright.

It's been a long year with my life completely turned upside down and taking a different direction. Some stuff was really awful and some pretty good. I feel like God has really worked miracles and I still have a purpose to fulfill in my life.

I was driving home last night and I was thinking of somethings in my life to me that I have a hard time forgiving myself for and that it was so deep for me that that kind of forgiveness doesn't really exist in the human realm. It is an old issue of life and death and the choices I had to make a long time ago. Some circumstances were out of my control and because I am human I did the best I could.

My thoughts were that there are some things that are of such a personal nature that it matters not what the world thinks but my own conscience only and what I can accept as reasonable behavior and consequences. I realized too that to really know and have a relationship with Jesus on a higher level that it His forgiveness for things that are beyond the mundane sins and shortcomings, that only Him I could confess to and share the burden of conscience. The greatness of sin shared with greatness of forgiveness that really solidifies to the highest level His death for my sins, for my failure to overcome the affect of life or death, I as a human might be responsible for.

I am humbled by my shortcomings so that I might be a better person, so that I might need God not because I am a great human being but because I am not. I love God, He is loving, merciful, and powerful but those are not the deepest reasons, I love Him because He loves more than I can love, forgives more than I can forgive, because He is everything I wish to be but cannot be. He has made  a way for me and regardless I am His child, His masterpiece, He chooses to see me as I would never dare see myself because Jesus opened the doors of heaven for me in which I am not worthy to even look upon.

It is humbling to hope to serve such a God even with what small things I have to offer, to say I am a servant of the most high God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, the follower of Jesus. To be among His people, to be accepted.

It is safe to say that human limitations on the capacity to love, for compassion, to forgive is limited at best, perhaps that is why we hurt each other, why we cannot have a mind of God. We must rest in the knowledge that God is there and He is all those things gives hope to all living things, light, and peace so long as we are willing to receive what is so generously given to us. 

I think fear is such an enemy of God, some would be more compassionate, would do more to be the likeness of Jesus if only they weren't afraid. To step out and let go of what is known, comfortable, and complacent is terrifying. To cling to the material, the routine is so safe but it does not compare to the safety of God. You must first let go of what you perceive as yours to reach out and grasp something greater. Even scriptures which people are so fond of are only words unless you act upon them, God gave them as His word to use and put into use not to spill out on someone and walk away.

Really, our God is more demanding than we realize I think. Who are we to judge others? Is it to make sure we are right in the sight of God by comparison. We did not create the Words of God, we are messengers not interpreters of the Word. If the Word has Life then we must first and only live the Word, God will move in us. This is the only way God is revealed to others no matter how many scriptures you memorize.

Today is beautiful and even though things are still not as I wish them to be here I am so happy to see the day and the beauty around me. I have not know peace for many months but I am finding it and I'm glad with all the hard work and long hours that I can think about God, feel Him, talk to Him. I am closer to Him now than ever, in a sense it has all been worth it these past few months.


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