Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Sunday, December 7, 2014

The Holidays

I have fallen behind on updating my blog, today is a good day to write about the past month or so. My job is a great job but I have not taken any loan applications. I have been busy networking and talking to people but it takes time to make the connections and this is the time of year when things slow down. With that said, my employer is very supportive and understanding of the situation, I was apprehensive at first going into sales but now I know I love it because I am out and about meeting different people and learning about them. I am the president of the Working Women's Connection in Montrose which I have never experienced before but the cool part of it is that I meet interesting and independent business women, I kind of feel at home. I also have made connections with the Medina County Chamber of Commerce and I also go to open houses and get to see amazing houses. I meet people at breakfasts and at lunch and evening meetings at different venues. Different situations arise where I can help people and they can help me. I am not tied down to a desk all day which I hate and has caused me health problems and extreme stress.

If I can continue what I am doing till spring, I should start getting referrals and things will look a lot better. I am paid a small salary so it's been very difficult but once I start earning commission we will be okay. It will be one year at the end of December since I was laid off and it has not been easy, I have fallen behind on everything and am still behind but am holding on.

This Thanksgiving was surprisingly pleasant. My brother bought the food for me to cook and although it was a simple meal it all turned out as I had planned. I invited my father to dinner because although he is very difficult to tolerate and has not been kind to me, he is very old now and I figured he'd spend it alone so I asked him and he came. I also asked a friend who had no place to live for the moment and has had a terrible year and was very depressed and he came as well. My friend is a little different but hilarious and very outgoing. Between my brother and my friend my father talked about many things that were all interesting and he wasn't able to say hurtful things to me. We all had a good meal and some laughter and most importantly peace and a couple of people ate well at least for one day.

Now comes Christmas, there will not be any presents under the tree this year but it is not troubling to myself or Kylie. The day has been ruined by materialism and commercialism anyway. The truly beautiful thing for this Christmas is that although we and the animals have suffered and done without this year we are all still together. I have managed to feed them all and keep a roof over out heads in spite of not having an income at all some months.

I have prayed and begged my way through the year, milked goats, helped worm sheep, tried grooming, worked on contract jobs, sold jewelry and anything else I could think of to keep us going. Uncle Gregg and my sister paid things that I couldn't or bought us food. Generous friends have given money through online sites that facilitate donations. I have fought with the county and the state for what benefits we qualified for all to survive. It all took its tole on me emotionally but I am trying to pull myself mentally out of it.

These past few weeks I have had nightmares about my childhood. The interesting thing is I had not thought about the things that happened to me that were very painful in years. I had pushed them down as far as blocking them from my memory all together. When I experienced each dream I felt the feelings I had experienced so long ago as if they had just happened. It was a good thing because I was unaware of their effect on me even now. I have been able to confront those feelings and experiences now as an adult instead of as a child and it has helped me release them. I feel I am beginning to heal and change my internal thoughts to see myself as I am and not how I learned to see myself through the people that abused me as a child. It feels good to be free from those things little by little.

I can't help thinking that God has lead me down this road for a reason, one of them is to free me from the thoughts and experiences that I have carried all of these years that have imprisoned me and kept me from liking myself or being free to be happy.

This winter will be tough for us, thankfully Kylie is doing well in school and has a great future. I am trying very hard to learn to value myself and somehow we've all managed to keep going. I have also learned some things about some of the people in my past that make me realize how fortunate I am and to pray more for them. So many people need prayers and it is good to pray for others and think of others regardless of your own trials.

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