Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Monday, December 8, 2014

Parenthood

I really never had a very good example of a parent in my life as a child, my biological parents had six children and didn't feel any responsibility to any of us. We did not bring ourselves into this world and we weren't born adults so we all needed the same any newborn to adulthood person needs from their parents. My parents decided to abandon us all, I was the youngest. God planted me into another person's life who tried to provide some care to me, unfortunately she had her own issues and three grown children that resented me until her death and I have not seen them since her funeral, I was 36 years old. The only stable, unconditional love I knew as a child was from an adopted grandfather. He was stable, strong, protective and very sweet, he gave me all he could to help me survive the life I was born into, when I was 10 years old he passed away at 92.

I never realized what a child should have and what a child needed until I had a baby. When I knew I was going to have a baby from that moment on I was a parent, every decision I made about my health and my life was made with that thought in mind. It is the same even to today.

I stopped living for myself and never looked back, my life became the sole caregiver, the provider, and protector of my daughter. I was determined not to be like my parents or the caregivers I had endured as a child. I read books, I talk to counselors, I let my natural nurturing instincts guide me. It was very hard to do it and her father didn't make it any easier, the reason why was he never once thought about her, whatever he did or has ever done has to benefit him in someway, he himself did not have great parents and unfortunately he never recovered from it. I think of him as a lost soul now that Kylie is older, he doesn't have any real idea of what a parent is or that children are not pawns, chattels, or tools to manipulate others.

Children are helpless when they are born, they are at the world's mercy, they are brought into this world by grownups and we are responsible for them, when someone truly loves their child then they do things for the sake of love. A child does not run up a bill with a parent for receiving the care a parent is obligated to give and we are obligated.  We as parents owe our children love, food, shelter and all basic primary needs at the very least and over and above that a chance in life, education, anything that can help them to grow up, be independent, successful and most importantly, good people with good hearts and character.

It has been a long hard road without an extended family, no grandparents or aunts and uncles except my step brother Greg to help all these years. I've been all these things to the best of my ability to Kylie, I have always felt sad that in that respect she couldn't have had more.

This past year Kylie has gone without many things, she is strong and accepts it, she knows that whatever happens we go through it together as we always had. She has a bright future for school and college now with her tuition pretty much guaranteed. She will need a car which I have no way of getting for her but hopefully that will come when she starts her internship. I had such worry and guilt over how I would get her through college but God has provided.

It has also been hard not being able to share with family or her dad her accomplishments. I have tried to share them but it seems not to matter to him very much, he does not share my pride in her. Over the years there have been many people and children Kylie's dad has given money to, bought things for because of horses, because he had an agenda and I feel he has been used and used others.

It saddens me to know that Kylie has been passed over by her dad, that she hasn't been loved for who she is and punished for not earning or doing things in order to receive what a parent should naturally do. In fact, Kylie has said many times, I wish I could have things but I don't feel right about using my dad. She knows she could do what he wants and go along with things as other people have and get things and money from him but in her heart she knows that is wrong.

The truly sad thing is that love, to be truly loved and cherished by her dad would mean more than anything to Kylie. She has been hurt and disappointed many times by him and so she is not willing to take another chance because she can't endure being hurt again. She also wants to be loved as she is for the sake of love, it is a tragedy when someone feels they must earn love instead of receiving it as a gift.

I will never fully understand parents who withhold their love, leave their children or fail to put them first. My own is included in that puzzle, it is like some people are born with something lacking or void in their souls that they can't capture and they never realize how they destroy children instead of completing the gift of life to them after they are physically born. Children who have suffered abandonment or are unwanted start dying inside from the moment they are born a little each day, some manage to press on and make the best of it like myself and some are consumed by it to point where they no longer want themselves.

If there is one thing that I feel I did to help Kylie it is that I wanted her, I wanted her from the very moment I knew of her. I love her very much as she is and what she has given me in return is her love which I needed very much. When Kylie was born and I held her for the first time she grabbed my finger and held it and looked right into my eyes and that was the first time I had a flesh and blood bond with another human being.

I'm tired tonight with worry about making it and keeping it all going but writing my feelings down and realizing how grateful I am for the privilege of being a mother it all feels better now.  

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