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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Faith

I have been agonizing over something since my dad passed away, literally from the day he passed away. Why? because from the first day my family has been obsessed with their inheritance. I loved my dad, we had a very strained relationship all of my life except for the last two years. But.... those two years made up for a lifetime of distance between us. If anyone would have said that dad and I would have had the kind of relationship we managed to have at the end say as recently as three years ago I would have said it would never be possible.

The change came down to two things, dad thought he had kidney cancer and was becoming aware of his frailty at 80 years old and that before we could have a real relationship we needed to clear the air and I expected him to take responsibility for abandoning me as a child. I confronted dad about God and his relationship with God and what God expects us to do as parents and also that he was running out of time. I carefully wrote a letter to my dad, I spelled it all out. That letter changed things and from that point on we started building a relationship. It wasn't me that brought about the change in dad, it was God.

My dad took what I said to heart, he pondered and he didn't doubt my sincerity. I pray and thank God for my dad taking the last two years of his life and doing good things and reconnecting with God. So many people pass away and never have a chance to make things right or better and many have the chance but don't take it. Dad's ability to change with God's help speaks volumes to who he really was.

I have already received a precious gift, more precious than dad's money, I had a dad. I waited for 50  years but I got one. I have the memories, approval, love and understanding of an earthly dad. No one can take this precious gift from me and with six other brother's and sisters I am the only one who bonded with dad this closely. Dad tried harder than they know to deepen his relationship with some of them but I don't think they understood that time was running out and that he had no ulterior motives.

But now we come to the inheritance of tangible things, money. Dad had a huge portfolio of stocks, all of which my siblings have insisted on liquidating immediately. I am the only one who wanted to inherit stocks. It has been agonizing for me because of the pressure from other family members, the disrespect the fights. I myself couldn't understand why it was so important to me to keep the stocks, that is until today. I didn't have the fear of the stock market or the worry of what if I loose a lot of money. The reason why I didn't fear is because I have learned to rely on God. The past 6 years for me financially has been horrible. We lost the farm I loved, God provided a new home, I got laid off for over a year, we ended up moving again into a house my dad bought etc.  

I have walked in faith, by human standards I should have been living out of my car a couple of times and I should have lost all these animals years ago. We have gone hungry, utilities turned off and yes evictions but here I am and we are all safe. When you live like it could all be over in a matter of a day and that hangs over you for awhile you either crumble or you learn to rely on God. He has never let me down, I can remember Him providing for me hour by hour and it was like a series of small miracles one right after the other.

So, today I realized that I wasn't driven by fear, that whatever my inheritance was I had already put it in God's hands. I don't have to sit and obsess over money, I am not driven by fear or greed. If I lost it all in the stock market it was only a backup anyway because God has carried me this far without it and His love and provision is enough.

Everything as far as I know has been sold though, because of fear and greed. That pretty much covers my family except they all had to raise themselves to a degree, they have learned to rely on themselves, control is security to them. There is no discussion of faith, I have never heard one of them even consider faith and letting go. The scariest thing to them I think is not having control and being vulnerable. This puts a huge distance between us.

Like many families when a parent dies there is things you learn about your family that is not so nice. I've seen somethings that have been very hurtful and at the same time sad. I am left with stepping out of the situation entirely for my own sake. I don't want to experience anymore hurt, I want to be able to grieve for my dad in peace. I also don't want to be in a place in my life where fear and greed are my mainstays.

It took me a while to understand myself but I get it now, I learned to live by Faith more and to worry less about the stock market and the things that no one has control over. It sounds foolish to people who don't get it but once again I am so blessed. Besides having an earthly dad I also have had a Heavenly Father, He has been with me all of my life.


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