Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Oh Happy Day

I'm off for a week,  a long week in the coming. Since starting back to work in June last year I faced losing the farm, being dragged into court and fighting with the people I leased the farm from, had to go to Philadelphia for a whole month and then coming home and having one weekend to pack and move everything. The following Monday going back to work, Kylie started school and our whole lives were scattered everywhere.

The next six months were hell with working overtime commuting 2 hours a day and Kylie suffering from an extreme depression. Going through Mare Girls horrible death a month after we moved and having to endure the barn manager being thrown out of her stable and moving with her to a new one which just after moving and going through the same we had to help her and then face months of frustration and listening to the same financial issues we had suffered before.

The long winter, going to Colorado for two weeks in February, more court fights then finally, I started working from home, and the case was dropped. All these months still trying to mop our other financial issues, working through things with Kylie and maintaining the home, land and animals.

Okay so I am whooped, I just want to take a deep breath and stop for a moment and get my head and life clear. I want to focus on actually enjoying this new home, getting myself cleaned up and in a better routine. Just stop for a few days and see that I am in a better place, a better life, take the battle gear and the armour off and just be a human, a woman, like everyone else.

Kylie went to the fair last night with a friend and her family, I was invited but I just felt to tired and sick to go. I'm glad I didn't, she had a great time and actually ended up walking past her dad who she hasn't seen since almost a year. Kylie as she walked out the door all fixed up looked more like a woman than a child. Betty at the Oaks has been working with Kylie through all of the horror of the previous year, the loss of the farm, a home, the abandonment by her father and Mare Girl passing. She looked so happy and confident last night. I thanked God that she had come through a stronger person with her thoughts confident and happy.

Kylie's dad changed jobs last year and failed to inform the child support bureau, being that we had just moved and everything was so tough I wasn't happy even though it's only $250 a month which really only paid for the horse he gave her, food and board. It's never really been enough to take care of Kylie but I refuse to fight for something that a father should feel compelled to do for his child. It's on his head right or wrong. Because he didn't want to face me over the child support he just dropped off the planet basically, leaving Kylie without an explanation. He wouldn't return her calls, she needed him when Mare Girl died, she just needed him.

It was months before child support was paid again because I called the child support bureau to find out what was going on and enough payments had been missed for them to take action. I will say had I not been given a raise after a few months and then getting an even better paying job I would of had to pursue the money and more or we would not have made it. God provided though and so it wasn't necessary. It's interesting but if he would have paid the amount based on his wages all along we probably wouldn't have lost the farm, but... I won't sell my daughter for money, again it's falls on his head.

The most important thing though is even though I would have been very frustrated with him I would have never interfered with his seeing Kylie, I would have supported it because she is more important than anything. The fool, the pitiful fool, if he had just talked with me about it and stayed close to Kylie. Now it's too late, Kylie survived the horrible hurt and although it still hurts she has made her peace with it, and she's moved on. Although she may see her father in the future it won't be the same for her, she knows that she doesn't deserve to be hurt, she deserves much better, she has learned to protect her heart. I feel pity for him, he missed the beauty of his daughter growing into a young lady. All of the girls he's sponsored in showing etc. but his very own little girl he's missed, dismissed, abandoned, marginalized, and rejected.

The girls all call him dad, he buys them things because they show, he's adopted one (not legally) as his daughter and displayed her to Kylie when they spent some time together. How cruel to pierce a child's heart so casually. I often thought how ignorant it all was, did the thought ever occur to him that these young girls had their own fathers, and even the one he adopted, he ran her real father off for being a loser. He ran him off but abandoned his own child, is he really better than the girls father? Didn't he realize that these other girl's parents bought them things, that they had grandparents, and people who took care of them. Did it never occur to him that his own daughter had none of those things, that in struggling through the farm that his own daughter went hungry, lost her home, did without so much at times and did so alone except for me.

There are medical bills still unpaid, they are supposed to be paid by him but I will pay them. Kylie's dad has never taken her to the doctor, never showed up at the emergency room when he should have, the things he has done he feels she owes him something for, that she owes him. Did it never occur to him that children don't choose to be born, that they come into this world at the mercy of world. What does she owe him? Must a child repay a parent for the right to live or does a parent have a responsibility to care for that life by providing the very basics? Should Kylie repay him for being partially responsible for bringing her into the world and unfortunately having needs in order to continue living.

I have a wonderful daughter, for all the hard times, the years of struggling alone, I have a wonderful daughter. I'm the one blessed, there is no monetary amount that can be traded for that, I'm rich. I am happy that the years of threats and intimidation are over, that I am free, I've raised a fine daughter and I can forgive, forget and get on with life. God has been a good Father and Husband, He has provided and I thank Him for it. 

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