Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Honoring your mother and your father - and it's my birthday

Today is my birthday, no plans to celebrate but I got a lot of well wishers on Facebook, it means a lot to me to see friends post.

I was thinking this morning about some kids I've know that talk to their mothers like they were dirt, that bothers me. Then I realized the commandment of honoring your parents and thought about my adopted mom and family. I've talked badly about them because I suffered some pretty bad stuff from them as a child but... I love my mom so much, I know and it needs to be said, that she did the best she could and many things I suffered were because of circumstances she could not change. A large part was caused by my birth parents, then the extreme poverty and the generation gap. She was born in 1919, she had a rough life herself, she also had old ways of thinking and was very naive about somethings.

It wasn't her fault that her grown birth children hated and resented me either. They also,  in spite of their feelings took care of me when they had to and I should be grateful because gratitude and being thankful is what God expects of me regardless of the bad so I am blessed and not bitter.

My mom loved me more than anyone besides God, she felt guilty about what I endured and later in life tried to make it up to me. She found new respect for me and was the best grandmother to Kylie that any child could have, she mourned having to leave Kylie because she had cancer and she was 83 and knew her time with Kylie would be short.

All parents make mistakes, they don't intentionally mean to hurt us, and maybe some do like my birth parents who are still vicious to me and my birth siblings but they are an exception and not the majority of parents.

My adopted mother deserves honor because she made me strong, she is responsible for the parent I am today by learning from the mistakes, to be loyal and committed and to protect my child with my life. She taught me to work hard by example, to love God and that He is able to hear me and respond.

My mom taught me the value of cleanliness, healthy food, and even with very little you can live a clean and moral life. The people around us growing up were in poverty, they lived in filth and acted like filth but my mom refused to do the same. Our home was always presentable, always clean and guests were welcome and we shared what little things we had, especially good food.

My mom taught me to endure the hardships of life, she taught me to tolerate pain physically and to keep going, Moms words were you have to just get up and keep going no matter what. She did, she worked herself into the grave taking care of everyone except herself.

I have prayed about my birth parents which I feel don't fall under the honor thy parents commandment simply because they are not anything to me except the physical event of being born. Prior to birth I wasn't wanted nor welcome and afterwards there has been nothing but more of the same.

My grandfather, my adopted mother's dad was and is the person I love more than anyone besides Kylie. I honor him everyday, I would almost do anything to see him only for a moment. My love for him is as strong as it was when I was a child, when we were together. I still feel peace and security thinking about him, he was my anchor in a terrible storm of childhood. Tears are flowing down my face now just thinking about him and the long road I have walked without him.

My mom and I had a special relationship, we quarreled a good part of the time when I grew up, normal quarreling, not with anger and hate but just two strong headed individuals hacking out life. In spite of my stubborn ways and the mistakes I made myself she loved me as a mother and honored me. She always sent me flowers on my birthday because she thought I deserved them.

She bought Cody years ago to make up for my lost childhood, she wanted me to have one dream, one thing she couldn't give me as a child. She didn't know the gift she gave me of my beloved grandfather and the strength and perseverance she instilled in me, those gifts are priceless.

I have not seen my adopted family since my mom's death, it has been a hard road raising a child without family. Dave persecuted us for years before he moved on and stopped. I never pursued support on the level I should have from him because he would take it out on Kylie. There were times where I didn't know how we were going to survive and the work at home and on a job and balancing Kylie's care and the threats from employers when she was sick and I had to stay home with her.

No, many years were tough, even ugly, it's taken it's tole on me physically for sure but I never gave up, I never quiet, I never turned my back on God. Kyie is a good daughter, I have raised her without drugs and alcohol and strange men being around, I've fought to give her all I could and will continue to do so. I have brought us before the Lord so that she can see where to find strength and help, I have given God the Glory when He has brought us through so she can see He is real and His hand is upon us. She must always have Him to turn to when I am gone, she must always remember for that is her birthright, and her inheritance.

And so, I honor my mom today by all that I have said, I honor her with Kylie and all that was passed down to me and that I have tried to pass down to Kylie.

Mom, I love you as a child loves their mother, with all my heart and I haven't forgotten your love, your kindness and sacrifice. Your sacrifices have not gone unnoticed, your love not in vain. You saved my life and gave me a future, a legacy and broken the generational curse of my birth family, you healed the broken heart of a child, tried to replace the incredible loss of a mother and father, God Bless you mom. 

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