Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Friday, September 5, 2014

Just a tough week

I have mastered my goat farm job, I can milk a goat now but still a little slow at it. I will improve with practice, the goats are a variety of sizes with some babies thrown in, they are cute but tenacious in their pursuit of food. They have all been hand raised so they are very sweet and cuddly once you get past the goat smell. I care for the goat herd, two mini's, chickens, two peacocks and on occasion two dogs. I like the job because the people are nice and although very busy with their professional lives they provide well for their animals. They are new at the whole mini farm thing so I will help them with some of the pasture care etc.

I went to a horse barn today to see about a job and to be able to work off board for our two horses, unfortunately it wasn't the right fit. All of the horses there were showing hip bones, even the younger ones and they were either standing in the back of their stalls with their heads down or were angry or very negative as I walked past the stalls. The owner was very likable but the horses told me all I needed to know. I felt that if I came to see my horses and they acted or looked like any of the horses there I'd be very concerned so I can't work in a place where I don't have a good feeling about the environment for my horses or others horses. I will continue to look for the right place and although I don't have much time for our horses right now I know they are happy and they are safe. Boarding is never something I ever wanted to do, I want them home but since that isn't possible I will work as many jobs as I have to in order to keep them safe.

The contract job is very difficult, there is so much detail and there is a huge amount of documents to review and they are not standard loans, it is very time consuming and accuracy is a challenge because of the requirements for each batch of loans from different lenders.

I feel I have reached a point in my career where I question if I have what it takes anymore and also there are no jobs in mortgages locally, I have been approached by other companies to relocate. I am hesitant for several reasons because I could move and if I were laid off what then, also Kylie is in school and very determined to succeed in the program she is in and I feel it is important to try and hold out until she graduates.

I really don't know from day to day just how things will work out for us. I don't have money for the rent or the car or many other things although we now have food at least. It is very difficult to keep going but I am reminded by the ones I love that I need to keep going for as long as I can, Kylie and the animals have no one else to care for them.

The week was tough because of the work both the farm and the contract job, the heat, trying to be a supportive parent, the work around here, and trying to study. The other part is trying to keep mentally going, it is so difficult to do anything when things look so bad.

I think sometimes how nice it would be to go swimming or just sit down with friends and enjoy some comfort and relaxation. From every waking moment until I go to bed at night my mind is on survival, I am in a constant state of working or searching for work or fending off bill collectors. At times I feel I am in a prison. I try to sit with the dogs or pet the ponies and take time to just focus on them but it isn't easy to do without thinking what will become of us.

I pray and even though it feels like my prayers are met with silence in my heart I feel God has a plan and I asked Him to lift the burden I carry and carry it for me for awhile. Although it seems that I may have little left when this is all over I will keep faith in God, I know He is my friend and has cared for me, I just have to keep trusting Him.

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