Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Sunday, March 30, 2014

The belief that holding long enough is hope

I have so much to be thankful for but I am worried about the future. A person cannot help worrying when they are a displaced worker. I have a friend who is going through the possible loss of her home and farm. She calls me to talk about what she is going through and I understand what she feels because I have been there.

A wise man told me when we lost our farm that if you have each other that is all that counts. When all was said and one he was right. God made it possible for us all to stay together and it was a tall order with trying to find a place where Kylie and I could live and keep our family of animals. I don't have much of a family left in the way of people and so the animals are my family. They are my counselors, therapists, comfort and I love them and they need me.

Things and even a house are material but relationships, love and living things you can't put a price on. To me Kylie and the living things around me are what I live for. There is nothing, even my own life that I would put more value on if it was a choice to save them all.

I am at a point in my career life where I feel less capable, when I was in my twenties I wanted to set the world on fire but now I want a good job that I like and cherish some security. I am thinking that is what most people want these days, the job market is terrible in many industries. Many families are suffering, it isn't a question of doing without but survival.

I know we are all blessed to live in this country  because there are poorer countries and people starving and dying in the worst of conditions, there are people in this world rich and poor who have no one to care about them or for them to care about. It is just as important to give and receive love as it is to have an income or air for that matter. A person can die of loneliness, maybe not physical death right away but in their soul.

I pray for people and myself and animals, I wish I could do more for others. I pray to God for His love and to be able to feel His love. Through it all knowing I am loved by God is the desire of my heart. I pray to be a better person and for a way to made for us to survive and stay together.

Right now I don't know what the answers are or see a path cleared for me to continue on but I wait for it. I am sad sometimes but I remember to be thankful too. I have to remember each day that we are together and have a roof over out heads and food to eat that it is a blessing and there is little I can do beyond a day except be thankful and forge a head.

I think often of the times when things were uncertain a couple of years ago and the miracles that unfolded realizing that things aren't so bad that grace can't carry us now. I am tired though, all these years of fighting for survival and the will to keep going through ridiculous circumstances sometimes has made me very tired. I have to admit that I sometimes long for easy, less to worry about, fewer mouths to feed and less effort. Still, I would go down fighting if I were to loose one of my animal family just because of economics.

Kylie is the point of her life where she will need things like a car to drive and college in a couple of years. My mother's heart kicks in and I feel a strong sense of guilt because it will not be easy to get her through these next few years so she can be successful in the world. She will have to do without many things I'd like to do for her but where there is a will there is a way, I'm not finished trying.

In order to keep going I have to believe God has a plan for us, that our steps are ordered and we are heading towards His preferred destination for us. As I am writing this and know that love is so important I realize that hope is as much so as love. Losing hope is death one way or another. As long as I believe I have hope and I pray I will never be too tired to believe.


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