Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Solving a mystery

I was sitting in the garage this morning and my mind was very clear as I slept in and it seems like I get mentally recharged to the point a lot of thoughts and information will flood my mind. I looked out the glass door on the back of the garage and I saw a field and the railroad tracks and beyond that an endless field of golden soybeans framed by tree lines that seemed to give the appearance that the gold stretched forever. The picture before me had contrast and beauty.

When I was a child Ic lived with an elderly adopted grandfather whom I loved and still love more than I have ever loved anyone. We lived by the river and the railroad tracks in a cramped trailer park. I didn't have my own room and wasn't permitted to play outside much or have friends over simply because it was me and my grandfather alone while my adopted mother worked.

There were times wen I would just start running as a child and wouldn't come back. I had no where to run to and I just wanted to run, I thought it was running away from the confinement and responsibility I had as a small child to look after my grandfather, we looked after each other of course. For years I have felt guilty for running away and causing my grandfather undue stress. The neighbors would catch me and bring me back of course.

This morning while looking at those fields I had the same feeling I had as a kid, the desire to run but to some place, to the land and the open fields. It wasn't so much running away as a child, I think I was running towards something. I didn't know it at the time but it was to find what I have had for many years at different places, the land, the openness, beauty, and peace.

The railroad tracks near the house most likely jogged my memory, the sound of the trains at night. My grandfather would have loved this place, he was a farmer but when he grew old my mom took him to where she could afford and we lived in poverty but honestly and cleanly. He was a master at growing food and he loved the hills more than flat lands but here there is plenty of land for a garden and to walk and convene with nature.

Like me he would have preferred a more humble home and simpler and it will take some getting used to as far as this beautiful home but the land and the community of people who share the same love of land would have made him welcome and happy.

I don't feel as guilty now, my grandfather was very knowing, perhaps he knew what I didn't. I do know he loved me as I was and saved my life, if not for him  and God I would not have the life I have now or be looking at such beauty, or perhaps be able to appreciate it above all else. 

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