Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Tears

I woke up very early this morning to get in to work early. I woke up thinking about the animals, especially the horses. Cody has been home with me for about 11 years and he isn't anymore. I know he's safe and doing okay but I miss him. He has really bonded to Mare Girl and screams when she is out of sight. Cody didn't do that at the other barn and then I thought he was with Little Bit for all of those years and suddenly they've been separated.

I bawled my eyes out this morning, it was the post trauma of all of this. When you are going through something so devastating and overwhelming you just think about getting through it. Afterwards, even though things are better it hits you I think, sort of like a death.

I'm still scared that something bad will happen or we'll have to struggle again. I have to work on my faith because I shouldn't be worried about that now. God has given us a miracle and I should just trust. It's hard. I've been the sole person caring for Kylie and all of these animals for so long that I don't know how to just accept that they are okay.

I will have to work with Cody and spend more time with him. I should anyway but I think he is scared because unlike other horses who are boarded out he is not used to seeing herd mates come and go. Horses we boarded he wasn't bonded to and they were around for long periods of time but his herd got split for the first time and he doesn't understand. I am not the first person he sees in the morning either. Maybe I took for granted that my presence even if not working him was a fixture and now things have changed.

I know there will be more fallout emotionally to recover from the past year which was devastating and hard to endure it is a process. But, thank God for everyday and every moment and that I still see the faces around me and at the barn that I love. 

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