Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Avoiding the big lie

Somethings been happening lately in my life, I am back to working as an underwriter which is a good job, it pays well, I'm good at it and I like it but.... When I decided to trade in a life of a regular paycheck to do what was the love of my life, animals and working on a farm I was a different person.

It's so easy to be sucked into buying things, to desire the artificial and the superficial. The thing I have always hated about people is their short sighted self centered views, it's very easy to fall into that living a life as I do now to buy into that lie, the big trap.

The house I live in now is pretty, it's pimped out with landscaping, the inside is modern and begs for decorating and things to look at but aren't useful. The community is full of nice, down to earth people that love the outdoors and seem to appreciate it but there is still the plenty of things people own that you could say gee I'd love to have it to.

The land is beautiful here, perfect for horses, my animals are all very happy. The one thing that hurts me is not having Cody and Aubrey at home, it doesn't seem right not to have everyone together like it was for years.

I am in a much better position with work than before the farm, the company I work for and also when I was working for Wells Fargo were much better companies and I have been treated well. I don't have the anxiety or the really bad experiences I endured for years at Third Federal to support Kylie, I am very grateful for that change.

In my heart though I miss the animals, working every day to make their lives better. I miss stopping during my day to watch them live and rejoice in living. I miss nurturing them and even the struggle for surviving, it had value because I was doing it for something more than money.

I am a simple person, I could live in a tiny shack in the woods if all of God's creatures, nature, and my family of animals were all around me. I am beyond material things for the most part to make me happy, it's a test though living here and in this lifestyle. It's easy to get caught up in what the world, our society values more.

I have to splash myself with emotional cold water sometimes to wake up from the big lie, to remember the truth and what is real. Living and dying that is real, what is in between has to mean more than buying things or working for money. When I die I want my life to have made a difference if not I've poured it out like sand and have nothing to show for it.

My legacy to hand down to Kylie is not wealth but knowing she was loved, giving her guidance in right and wrong, and teaching her God's ways so that she will carry them with her. I want Kylie to remember life on the farm and God's miracles in our lives and to honor Him living His love and mercy to all.

I just don't want to live from day to day looking forward to the mundane life of living as a consumer and not be aware of a certain responsibility I have to be a better person, to give, and to make a difference. How I can fulfill these desires now remains to be seen, I pray for guidance and remind myself that although I am not as free as I was on the farm to live as I wished that God has plans for me and I must try every moment to remember what is truly in my heart. To ignore the voices of the temptations around me, to not allow myself to be attached to material things which are here today and gone tomorrow and not let my dreams escape me in the dull drum of daily living.

I remember a song about if I had a million dollars and it's a silly song, I've never wished to be rich but I will say by money or by grace if I had it I'd have a farm with pastures as far as the eye could see, on those pastures would be old horses. Ones that have lost their families or just unwanted, I'd sit and watch them all live and rejoice in the simple pleasures I could give them.

There'd be few old dogs around that people might have dumped at the shelter because they were old. I'd be their mom till their time comes. The barn would be a simple one made just for horses not for people and the house well it would be safe and small and adequate.

I'd like lots of trees and a quiet spring near by to pray by and to look back on my life and question myself... have I done enough? If I were to pass my days and nights in such a place would that be selfish too? Could I help children as well by bringing them to a place where there is peace and renewed hope through the triumph over suffering?

I feel old, for if I had a life to live over again I would have pursued my dreams more fervently, I would have eyed the goal and obtained it early on. Now, I wonder sometimes how many good years are left to make a difference to strive and overcome what is inside me to do, always to do.....


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