Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Monday, August 18, 2014

An update

We really struggled last week, I struggled. We had to make a choice today between buying food for ourselves or the dogs. It is partly my fault because I didn't go to a food pantry. I will call around tomorrow and find one that is open, we have a little left from what my friend brought us.

I went over today to see the folks I am farm sitting for later this week to go over everything, I told them it would be a good idea to give me some gas money just in case. I have farm sat for them before and they know I am not working so they gave me enough gas money to drive there for two weeks. They'll pay me then for the service once they return.

I had to buy an ink cartridge for our printer which was painful but I needed it for the contract job, I put it in and another cartridge blew out and I can't get another one so that's that. Not sure when I can get it. I thought when it happened that their ought to be a prayer line for printers, when they work they are great and when they are difficult there is nothing more frustrating.

I called my doctor's office and was able to schedule an appointment for late September and that was with the hope that I will have money then, the doctor agreed to give me a 30 prescription so my feet are out of the fire on that for awhile.

Kylie starts school Tuesday, she's terrified but at the same time excited. I told her today that I didn't think I would be able to keep everyone together and that if I can't find a way that I would call her father's family and see if she could go there where she'd have food and get to school, the most important thing is for her to make it, she has dreams and she is so close and I can't stand not being able to provide for her.

I told her too that it may come down to finding a place for the animals. I don't want to give up, I applied for everything I could think of as far as a job but it would take a dang good job to save us now. I prayed to God for guidance, when you feel like you aren't able to take care of animals when it gets so bad they may not have food then it is time to start thinking about saving them in a different way, I've got to make sure they make it. It will kill me if it comes down to it and I wouldn't hesitate to walk a way and live on the streets because there isn't anything in this world that means anything to me except Kylie and these animals.

But I can't bare to see the ones I love go through any suffering because I couldn't get a job and take care of them. I don't mind suffering only I can't bare to see anyone or anything else suffer, I never could.

Kylie took it all well, she doesn't want it to happen but because I love her I have to prepare her for the worst. She knows I'd never abandon her and I love her more than my own life but she's got to have her chance and she's got to be safe.

Right now I couldn't rent a rock to crawl under, that's the way it is. Every Monday I wait for that one phone call that I got the job or anything that would make it all better. I've been through so much in my lifetime but it occurred to me today that I am not sure my metal is strong enough anymore. I am strong, very strong but today I just knew I can't go on being strong. I don't know how to put it into words but I know how I feel.

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