Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Sunday, August 3, 2014

A hopeless romantic

People that know me would never guess I am a hopeless romantic, I am to the bone. I have crazy dreams of everyone and everything being good for the most part. I always believe good triumphs over evil and although when I loose my temper and really say pretty blunt things it's because deep down I am hurt. There were very cruel people in my life as a child and to this day I still love them and pray that they are well and happy, I know they have not thought of me since my mother passed away.

I have been through many things especially since Kylie was born and I carried the torch of hope through it all. I've ruined my health, disappointed people, did many things that were humiliating and let people down. No one  or at least most people don't start out with the intention of hurting people or disappointing them, worse still a person can make many mistakes and sometimes life limits a persons choices and you just try to make the best of them.

One huge obstacle for me has been the isolation in my life. I was not raised by my biological family, I was not wanted in my adopted family except by my mother who raised me alone in poverty. When she passed away there was nothing left to build on, no support system and my ex-husband made sure I was not welcome in his family.

All these years I've worked a full-time job raising Kylie except when we were on the farm and the past few months. I never had time to bond with other parents most of which were married and had no concept of what our lives were like.

My biological father who is very wealthy has made a lifetime career of destroying each and every one of his seven children. I have been able to escape their fate because I have chosen to set boundaries with him and I don't play along with him because I know he has money. At this point only one of my siblings even speaks to him and that is for the sake of my other siblings, she loves him but he is toxic and so she does the best she can.

Tonight some realities hit me and hit me hard, asking people for money isn't going to work for me. I told myself it was for the ones I love but things are critical and this is the second time I have had to face this situation in three years. People always say to me, you will be okay it will all workout. I think they say this because it always has and because I've faced it and come through it and many other hard things. I am glad they have faith in me because I sure don't. Next year I will be 50 and I tell you I am getting tired, I don't have the strength and courage I had before. I want to give up and let it all go, that means death to me, in my heart.

I have very little of value in possessions except two things, an antique saddle and my mother's little ring with some tiny diamonds in it meant for Kylie. I know mom would want me to sell it if it came down to something that we needed. I won't get much for either item but whatever I get it will help.

Kylie wants so badly to go to the school in this county because of a special program. If I accepted a job out of state we would be fine and there are plenty out there I could qualify for and make good money. I may have to figure out a way to get a job as far as Columbus or I may have to just take whatever wherever and pull her out to keep us all together.

I don't know what the answer is and I've prayed my heart out for one. I know that I can trust God and I will not waiver from that belief. Outside of my faith in God I know I must face some very ugly things very soon and I will have to do it alone. If I don't we will be homeless soon and the animals especially the horses will have to be given up.

My Cody, mom bought him for me 18 years ago the one time she had money and she said it was to make up for all the things I didn't have as a child. Cody is twenty now, I went to see him this evening and it's tough when you know were things are headed.

I am preparing myself for this, school can no longer be a priority for me I most likely will have to drop it. I really believe a college degree is not in the cards for me. I need to get things in order here and Monday I must start out putting things in place, I am not sure what will happen next but I must set my mind to doing everything and anything I can.

This gives me more peace than asking for help, the only thing worse than asking for help is being rejected, I have had a lifetime of rejection I can do without it now. 

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