Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Monday, August 11, 2014

A few words about depression

The sad news today is Robin Williams passed away and it is likely suicide. Many people were surprised but I think anyone who has ever suffered from severe depression is saddened but not surprised. I know I wasn't.

Depression runs through my family heavily, my parents and my siblings all suffer from some form of depression and anxiety and even bipolar. The ones who got into drugs and alcohol suffer from bipolar, I did neither so I don't have that affliction.

For me depression manifests itself into deep inconsolable grieving. I suffer from it because of childhood trauma, I fought it for years and didn't know what it was until I finally agreed to take a small dose of anxiety medicine, what a difference. I didn't know what it was like not to live with a heavy cloak of anxiety and grieving and just pushed my way past it to do whatever daily things I had to do to survive.

People may not understand why a brilliant and successful man chose suicide, I think I know part of that answer and it is that you live with it everyday, you work with it, you triumph over it but it is never really gone. Eventually, you grow tired, you just get tired of fighting with it, living with it and you just want to go to sleep where there is peace and the sorrow doesn't come to you.

I know that if I didn't have the ones I love depending on me, if I didn't know that they would not survive without me that I would eventually want that sleep, to rest from the daily task that is never ending of going ahead while suffering every moment.

I also know that God has made a difference, He gives me purpose and even though I don't want to carry on anymore at times I know I must and that He will help me and He does.

I have two or three pills left of my anxiety medication and because it's been so long since I've seen my doctor I have to go to his office to get the refill. I don't have money for a doctor visit and I have applied for help through the county but that takes weeks to process. So, here I am and I go through the process of being angry with myself for letting us get into this situation and being angry for the sake of being angry. I have feelings of I just don't care anymore let it all go and just walk out and live on the street alone, truth is I'm stuck, trapped with nowhere to turn except for God. I have to trust Him that He knows and cares.

For the first time in my life I have another health issue lately and that is my stomach. I have had some real problems with it and I've been throwing up on and off and threw up some blood once. I think it is everything getting to me so I am watching what I eat and that seems to help. I don't care much about that because I can do something about it, the anxiety is a ticking time bomb, I quit taking my pills last year and went down into the pit as far as anyone has and I am not looking forward to it happening again, especially now.

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