Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Friday, April 13, 2012

Time to reflect can be dangerous

My daughter had a sleepover tonight so I have time to reflect. I am seldom alone and seldom sitting down for long but here I am. I, for a moment felt lonely and then I thought a little more about that issue.

When I was a young girl I only dreamed of getting married and having a family. I wanted a family more than anything. My biological dad and mom skipped out on myself and five other children (I was the youngest and a baby), The person that raised me loved me very much but her natural children did not so I always felt like I didn't belong. I wanted a place to belong and I wanted more than anything to be loved and accepted. Fast forward, here I am today and things didn't happen the way I thought they would as a kid.

I had relationships and tried hard to find my place and understand relationships but that was hard for me. I do have a family now though, I have my daughter, my stepbrother, and many good friends who care about me. My animals of course are my children and where I feel I am accepted the most.

Now back to the thought of being lonely, I think what if I met someone and what if they wanted a relationship (dare I utter the word marriage). There was a time in my life when I would have wanted someone in my life more than anything but this evening walking through the barn I realized my true love. I could never give up the life I have now, I can't say I desire companionship more than I desire the farm or the life and certainly the animals.

I'm okay with just me, I am a woman and maybe it's odd to want this more than a man in my life but it is what it is. Part of my soul is here, I feel this was the life I was meant to live. I know another person can't make me happy, like myself, or validate me. I've taken the journey of life and searched for my place and I know I've found it here not only physically but spiritually as well. The best part is I am okay with myself, what I can do, and that I am content being alone.

1 comment:

  1. It's an inner peace that we must share as I too am happy 'in my own skin' and thank goodness that I am contented with my life. My 89 year old Mom is certainly not happy in her skin, and I don't think has EVER been contented, she is still seeking that.....

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