Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Putting things in perspective

When you first wake up it's the best time to reflect and take time to pray and talk to God, if you take the time or can take the time. I always wake up and take a little time in the mornings to think about things. With Kylie being gone  last night I also had time to reflect. I stumbled upon a huge folder of pictures on my computer of the farm and all the animals I got to know, dogs, horses etc. It was tough to look at because all of the memories came back and it was like looking at a virtual journal of some very happy times.

When you look at old pictures it seems like life at that time was something special and happy but I thought about it and realized that the in between those pictures where some very sad and hard times as well. I just felt for a moment I had failed and had lost something precious to me. I thought about it more this morning and asked God why he would pick us up and bring us here where it isn't a farm when he knows my heart is in the land and caring for His creatures. The answer came pretty quick, He did this for me, to stop the merry go round of life long enough for me to focus on Kylie, my own animals, and myself.

I am almost 50, I never go to the doctor, I don't eat right, I don't take care of myself, I have for the past few years got up and started running for one reason or another to work for or take care of something else. I don't go get hair cuts, my glasses were like five or six years old, I never slept the way I should, I could go on forever about it actually.

The past couple of weeks I have been trying to make better choices, retrain myself to organize my life, enjoy what God has given me and to take care of things I have let go for myself. It's hard and it feels unnatural. But I know I have to go to the doctor and get checked out and live better if I want to live longer.

A friend found a farm in Ashland with 18 acres and a barn that was very affordable, it bothered me, and I prayed about it. God reminded me of the hard work and the equipment needed to take on such a place. I guess He didn't say never again, just not now.

I cried last night looking at those pictures but some of the tears were joyful ones because I had some really good life moments and it wasn't all bad. Some real memories for Kylie and I to cherish. I have a picture of a very senior German Sheppard we pet sat for a couple of weeks, she passed not long afterwards and I always felt connected to her, she was a grand soul. I cherish that photo of her even though I can picture her face without it.

None of what we did was in vain, and we had a very special experience, not many people throw everything in the wind and just live a dream, even if it doesn't last it was worth it. Now, is another time in my life and my animals are so happy to have my attention and so is Kylie. This is a healing place, a place where there isn't as much stress or work and their is some comfort and security. I have to say if I fell on my face there is no person that would rescue us, no parents or family, only God. He's done a good job looking out for us. Like a good parent He doesn't always hand over what we think we want but what is best for us.

Like I said, early in the morning is a good time to talk with Him, He is waiting for us then, it is an intimate time. Those that have never experienced that close relationship I know may not understand, it took years for me and lots of pain, loosing my mom was a big factor but it has come to me and is easy now. You have to open your heart and mind and just feel sometimes, He's there and as magnificent as you can imagine, but loving like a Father too.

At this time in my life I feel sheltered by Him, as if he where a Father saying everything is going to be alright, rest awhile. 

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