Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Waiting is the hardest part...

Glad to get the rain so the soil will be softer, everything looks greener. Still no worms though... they have been shipped and they are somewhere out there on their way. I told the neighbors I bought some and they looked at me like I was a three eyed hippo but that's okay, I know not everyone understands, they have a compost pile that will most likely see the benefits too.

Kylie has been using my laptop for school and I haven't had access so much in the evenings which has been difficult for me. It seems writing about things as I feel them seem to be good therapy for me. The past week was really hard for me because I've been hit with some real depression. After going through so much the past 2 years and always being on the brink of disaster I've been in a state of Adrenalin or the opposite of pure exhaustion.

We moved quickly and without much help, basically my brother, Kylie, her dad and a wonderful man who I knew through helping Sheba. No one else helped move all of the animals our things etc. and I might add all of the people I had helped before were not around.

In the middle of the whole chaotic time I interviewed, got the job and started training at Wells Fargo and then had to go to Philadelphia for two weeks instead of having time to pack, we threw everything together in about four days. I left things behind because it wasn't possible to get it all done and the animals were more important than anything else.

When I got moved then it was a long commute, unpacking, Kylie's school had started the day after the move and working 40+ hours and some Saturday's. As soon as the horses got settled at Thea's then she learned she had to move and she needed help and so we were caught up in her crisis and helped on the weekends and went through her troubled months of if she would survive financially which was like reliving the whole thing over again. To top it off the week of the move before we left Mare Girl died and it was the worst thing to see her bleed so badly and struggle, it just to this day is so horrific and such a loss.

Next the horses and ourselves never got settled at the new place, it was one drama after another till it got to be just unbearable, it was winter, work at the end of the year in my business is overwhelming. All of the staff was off except a skeleton crew and I was one of the few underwriters working the last 2 weeks of the year, it just drained me. New Years eve I was working till after 7 in the evening and still had to drive home.

I was already physically beaten with the year previously and I knew that to keep from getting totally sick and breaking down that I had to make some adjustments. First, the horses were moved to where they are now, they had plenty of hay and care through the rest of the winter and it was a tough winter with the hay shortage. Next, I followed a coworker to a new company where I could work from home.

The only catch was 2 weeks straight in Colorado Springs. I survived the training and started working from home. Again, lots of learning and frustration which now I have come a long way and have mastered the different government loan guidelines and regulations and the new company facilitates all kind of classes with the different government agencies who insure the loans.

The blessing was avoiding the long drive through Medina County and then the miles on the highway and traffic, I wasn't so far away from home and Kylie which wasn't good for her. I have time to get things done around here and see my horses.

That brings me to now and being depressed of all things. For the first time in many years I haven't been in the mind set of surviving, of how I will deal with the next first of the month and something goes wrong or the fear of dealing with Kylie's dad.

I never really sat down and grieved over my mom dying years ago, I had a 3 year old to raise alone basically. All the family I knew died when she did, there was no one to share with how Kylie was growing up or to talk to about old times in the culture I grew up in.

With the dust settling and time to breath all of the past 2 years and then some crept up and hit me right in the face like a cannon ball. I feel guilty about being sad when God has done so much for us. How could I not be happy in such a wonderful place he has provided, but like ghosts the memories rise up and cut me to the core of my heart.

The horses, just walking among them, the sounds of the barn late at night when we'd do our last check or throw them hay. The sunrise through the big oaks. Family that has been gone for years, just so much lost.

Kylie's depression happened in the fall, it just devastated her and she fell behind in school and then I took her to counseling. She knows what I am feeling now and has pointed out that it is now just hitting me. All true.

I struggle everyday with anger over what some people did that caused us so much heartache at the farm, they basically caused a good part of what happened at the end. I pray for God to help me forgive. There are the debts that I owe and  being brought up the way I was it is a matter of honor and it eats at me. I know eventually I'll get them paid but still it is hard for me to have them out there. Really in some ways I shouldn't be asked to pay one debt simply because I let them take advantage of me in the first place and they basically took more than they should ever been allowed to. Again, it all added to the demise of a dream.

All in all, when I am thinking sensibly I know that God has His hand on me and what was and what is He ultimately is in control of and will do what is best for me. I know that He knows I hunger yet for the still waters, green pastures, and a farm.

Perhaps the depression and the many tears shed these past few days is a gift from Him, I couldn't begin to heal and enjoy life without stopping and experiencing everything that has happened, sort it out and go forward leaving the past behind. It is very painful, but the pain and sorrow has restored my heart, at least I can feel again. I love to care for animals and have always had a tender heart but these past months it has been hard and I've thought foolishly about things instead of what is most precious, life in all it's forms. You must have a heart to hurt, and you must be vulnerable to experience love. So, I take the pain now, and hope the sorrow lifts and it will be a new day and a new life eventually. 

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