Journaling

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Used to run a stable and live on a farm, now I am back into banking for awhile. Still have horses and love animals.  

Friday, October 1, 2010

I love my family so much

This post will probably appeal more to people who have been abandoned by a parent either emotionally, physically, or both. I'm one of those people. My parents abandoned 6 children and I ended up with someone who was a friend of my grandmother when I was a baby.

The thing about abandonment issues and sometimes abuse issues is that you may understand them and you may feel better at times about them but they are always with you. You carry them with you through your life.

It's late tonight and I am sitting by the fire and looking at my daughter who is sleeping. She is the only person in my life that I have ever been completely apart of. When you don't fit into your biological family or your substitute family it is like standing outside the glass looking in. This was my life until Kylie was born.

The animals are all sleeping and my dogs are always very close. These animals are a comfort to me because I am excepted by them. Abandonment issues lurk even here because in my heart I am afraid to embrace home for fear of losing it. It was so in my old home and now in this one. It is the fear of loss.

Still, I am so thankful for all that surrounds me tonight, the quiet peaceful sleep, the warmth of the fire. How blessed I am as I try to grasp at a small glimmer of hope that here is a place for me and I can allow myself to feel that I belong.

1 comment:

  1. Your post has really touched me. I am lucky to belong to a loving family and am saddened to read of your abandonment. I'm so glad that you now have a daughter who is a part of you - and sincerely hope that one day you can feel the same security about your home.
    I send you my very best wishes, sincerely
    Rose H

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